Heart and Mind Battles

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I need to learn to make my mind is lead my heart instead of vis versa. You know. Mind is the more sensable one. I guess if my heart and mind were their own little charactors Mind would be a sensible creature that thought through and questioned everything. Though pridefullness gets her into quiet a lot of trouble. Heart would be the dreamy, happy, laughing sort that rushes into anything that sounds like an adventure and great fun, but when things don't go her way she falls into the depths of despair! Oh drama queen know yourself!

So you can quiet imagine now the fights that happen between Mind and Heart and how hard it is to allow Mind to lead.

Yesterday Heart was leading for a large portion of the day with high hopes, incessant giggles, daydreams of what could be and "if only's" which all completely distracted me from work. While Mind was yelling down “Mayday! Mayday! Ships going down! You need to listen to me!”, “You know you always do this and you always get hurt. Stop! Just stop the endless chatter. You need to listen! Jesus is more important!”

But Heart was roaring with dreams and fears and soaring so high it couldn't hear Mind. After a while Mind gave up and just drummed her fingers on my desk and waited for one of the fears to pop up to squeeze in a reality check. Reality came by reading some scriptures on Who God is and the armor that I wear as a Christian. My heart is covered by the breast plate of righteousness and my mind is helmeted by salvation. Both very well protected by Jesus and His blood. If Jesus was the source of my joy why was I not thinking about Him? Why not wistfully dreaming about my love for Him? Awe but you know the adventure of unrequited love must come every once in a while.

Heart did start to listen around 3pm yesterday. My feet returned to the ground from the clouds they'd been dancing on and the fog in my mind started to began to separate. Constant reminder that being present with Jesus is better then being absent and only have pretend friends. 

This morning I finished up Joshua and was encouraged to write down the things that I found God to be in this book. I thought that I would do that on breaks at work however I discovered that Heart is awefully whiny and doesn't want God very much. Mind knows that I need Him and want Him but my heart is still very far off and is happy to whore after other things. Yesterday I told a friend in the hight of Hearts frolic that I would be intentional about loving Jesus most... sigh.

Friend, loving Jesus with my heart intentional is harder then I thought it would be yesterday. I'm much more stable today, but my heart still strays quiet far, not to an adventure but to a different idol. Idol of self and I can do this without You. I'm not sure this idol is much different from the idol of "if this were different or if I were this - I would have value". It appears I don't trust Jesus to be the best thing for me. But yet isn't that what I'm learning everywhere?

Lord please teach to my wandering heart to trust and love you as I ought. My mind knows it can love and trust You but my heart hasn't a clue. Please change me!

Faith and Swords

     I was watching the moving Prince Caspen a few days ago. During the sword fight between High King Peter and the usurper King Mares and it struck me that the shield that God gives us is our only defense weapon. I know you hear that all the time in Sunday church gatherings but it just really struck me.
     Faith. Trust in Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, the Bible. Faith that God is Who He says He is. That the Bible is His Word.
Faith is a shield. Shield against what? Anything and everything that goes against God, goes against what He says is true and right.
We pray for faith but we don't always live it. When we're not living it, we're not using it.
If we're not using our shield then we're probably not using our sword much either.

     So if are shield and sword are in our hands then we're either about to go out into battle or we've surrendered. Or we've dropped them and we fighting with our fists against a man with two swords! We're in trouble unless we get that sword of ours back - but wait!
Doesn't that terrify you? If your Enemy has your sword that means he has the Bible and he's using it against you! That means your not using it... like your losing your knoweldge of it because your not checking things out for yourself! Yikes!
     I guess the other idea would be that your in the dugout not even in the battle, without your sword and shield think you don't even need to go out. There's a WAR happening all around you, you have the skills to go out there and fight for your King but nope. Here you are sitting comfortably in your jammies thinking "Let somebody else fight!" or cowarding hoping no one finds you.
     We'll all gone die, either before, after or during the battle. Death is coming for us all. So we have options... Pick up that shield and sword and learn how to wheeled it, then go out and fight or teach others to fight. Or stay in the dugout, let the double swordsman cut you to bits with he's sword as well as yours.

    I really need this reminder. I'm really good at putting down my shield and sword. The sword goes first, while I moan that I don't have time to practice, I don't know what I need to know but I know God is good. And then after a few days or weeks I'm a practicing atheist. But God in His mercy continues to pursue and fight for His own. He continues to win me back to Himself and reteach  me through His grace how to use this sword of the Spirit and this shield of Faith.

Forgiving Simple Things

It's way easier for me to see how I do to Jesus just the same as those who have hurt me deep
But when it comes to these simple things - like poor communications - I'm quick to forget that I'm just like you. I'm quick to forget to give grace like I ask of you!
I holler like no other, and whip out my sword sharp pen
and I draw your blood like your the Enemy

My apologizes are lame and unhelpful like I'm not really sorry.
Maybe I'm not or maybe I don't want to humble myself beneath the dirt to show you I know how wrong I've been. I'm afraid to show you vulnerability.
Maybe if you see me big and tough you'll think highly of me and you'll never laugh at me when I cry.

But I guess this shows that in simple things I'm more concerned about a human's eye
then my Lover's gaze.
Here I stagger to save face before a man, when my Creator is waiting to catch me in His arms.
Lord, is it difficult to wait for me to fall apart in You? Am I getting any faster at turning to You for my identity in this life?
Why do I forget Your love so easily in the little irritance and why do I blow You off like You cannot see my heart? 

As far as it depends on me...

story#1:
     Yesterday a friend pointed out that I carry around a lot of weight. I didn't get it so Larr's explained that sometimes when I'm trying to do stuff with people and it doesn't work out I hold it like its a guilty heavy thing, he said some more stuff that I can't remember now but it finally started to click... friendship only work as a two way street but when I'm trying to make friend moves and the other gal isn't budging I forget that that's on her - that's her decision, instead I say that its my fault that this friendship thing isn't working. I end up condemning myself in the process which adds guilt to my process of trying to build a friendship so the friendship isn't free happy thing anymore.

story#2:
     Driving to lunch today I was imaging getting in trouble with my head boss for working from because I didn't get direct permission from him. I got permission from my sorta boss, Curly-Joe, because the office internet was out. I honestly probably won't get in trouble, but I realized in my imaginings that if my head boss were to ask why I'd worked from home and I said Curly-Joe said I could then if there was trouble Curly would take the blame. But I didn't like that at all and decided that Head Boss and I are adults I should take the blame not Curly-Joe, even if he's decision was the one I'd followed, and he's decision needed questioned.

story#3:
     Today I overheard Curly-Joe say something like "I hate that the internet out. Nobody can work, it's my responsibility and I feel the weight of it".
'But you've done all you can! It's the At&t's fault, it's their weight.' I called out to him.
"Yeah!" busted in Nacho, "if it's their fault not yours. Seriously, don't feel bad!"
"I know, but I still do" sighed Curly-Joe.

Notice any similarities? Three stories, three times just can't let someone else hold the blame, can't let someone else bear the consequences for their own actions. Can't move past the fact that it didn't go as hoped or planned.
But wait self! You know how when you've sinned against someone and the Bible says "as far as it depends on you live at peace with one another"? Like when I'm wrong or have wronged a friend it's up to me to make it right and how they respond is between them and Jesus. I did what Jesus called me to do that's all I can do. In this situation if I asked for forgiveness and they don't forgive it will hurt but that's on them... I've done what I can and am living in obedience to God so in my heart I have peace.
I get to take responsibility for my actions, but also allow others to own their responsibilities. Curly and I get to live in peace when we've done our part.

There's this thing that I keep thinking. When I carry the weight that is someone else I'm sort of saying I have to be the hero. So what does that look like when it comes to my sin? Who bears the weight of my sin? Who washes me clean?
If it's Jesus then I have to allow Him to take the full weight of my sin. I will never be able to save myself. It's too much, too heavy.
When Curly and I carry the weight of others failings we're basically telling God "hey, I don't need Jesus to die for me or others. I got this. See I'm putting myself up on the cross." But in the mean time we crush ourselves, thinking too highly of ourselves.
We get to repent of trying to save others. We get to run back to Jesus and praise Him that He is strong enough to take our weights, take the weights of our friends and redeem our hearts for His glory and our joy. Jesus has made a way for me to live at peace with Him through His blood. Jesus is the only One that paid a suitable price.

Anytime I try to bear someone else's failings, I make myself god and worship me. I'm broken and fail my high expectations everyday. I make a terrible god.

Single

Hello,
I'm feeling the twinges of being single this week. It doesn't really help that every night I keep dreaming that I get married. Where do those dreams come from anyhow?
I went to a 4th of July party with my Mom tonight and was enjoying sitting with silver haired folk, some of whom watched me grow up from 2end grade. Everybody asked me what I do with my time and I was telling them about Midtown Residency...
Friend, I kept finding myself discouraged because here I am at 28 doing an internship with a question mark at the end of the year. I don't know what I'm going to do next year, I just know that God called me to it. Which made me start thinking "now if I were almost engaged then this decision would be easier at the end of the year. I'd have someone to walk through this story with." But that not really true, I guess. Yes, I'd have someone to talk things out with and live life with but a husband won't be able to make decisions for me, just help with some direction.

So here I am back again to looking up at the sky asking Baba God to plan my future for me and lead each foot step without a fall. 

Pride

I wish i could write a book
write a story
I wish i could write a poem
but i'm just not that clever.
so i'll write lots of thoughts
hit the 'enter' make it look
like a long column here
just so i can pretend i can
write a poem. lol!

has anyone ever told you something that made you mad
and then God took the time to unwind your head
And when you think that you've learned everything
from that painful word, Baba God shakes His head
"Now your idolizing the tool instead of your Creator"
So i'm down once again with a drobble on my head
Oh no i've done it agaaaaaaaaaaain!

What do I doooooooooooo?
Am I an outcast again?
Will I walk with a frown hanging
DOWN on my heeeeeeeeeeeead?
and the guilt condemnation's blanket friend
come to crush my heart again. (boy, do i like the word 'again' a lot tonight or what?)
(come to crush my heart to the ground)
with no hope to be found!
(yes, Shawnie. i do have a dramatic flare.)

But WAIT! Why was I getting shown the error of my ways again?
What was the resolve?
Surely there's Hope!
God makes good things!
Oh!
God is the creator.
Need Jesus most, best, and always.
Why?
Because nobody can be for me (us) what Jesus is.
Savior. Grace giver. Life. Comfort And SO MUCH MORE!
(I mean, you've. never met another human who can do that much less, raise a dead person, right?)

uh, but'cha know - the Holy Spirit can
convict and unravel
and I can be in awe
but if i'm still unwilling to come to my
Father,
humble and ready
trusting that He is right
and get real honest
say 'I'm sorry, Baba
I've been wrong, You're right'
the joy in repentance won't be found
and my analyzing will just turn
to self righteous airs
thrown in front of my audience
puffing up my pride
making me the hero once again
 of a story I cannot write
without this life that i couldn't give.

thank You Baba for this life.
For the truth I'm more wrong
when it comes to us disagreeing
You're the True King
i am not.
Thanks.

ramblings

lying on my couch crying
wishing the stories were different
different for a 3yr old with cancer and her family
different for a couple who lost their baby
different for a girl who lost her mom
questioning is God real
different for a pessimistic family
I can't make things better for us
and when i pray i'm distracted by so many things
There's so much to talk about with my Savior. but it seems like there is so little time and so much more that needs to be done.
So
where do we find the time to preach the gospel over our lives.
when do we study the only truth that will give us the streghth to fight
strength to live
refreshment to laugh and enjoy the glory of the Lord?
where do we take our tire
broken
busy
hearts?

Jesus. We take our hearts for comfort, direction, healing, freedom, for a friendship with our Creator Who truly sticks closer then a brother. Who pulls us out of a slimy pit and sets our feet on a solid rock.