The End of My Rope

Do you ever feel like you've come to the end of your rope?
I feel like I've reached mine. There's two things fighting in me.

 The romantic side screaming for a dream to cling to... you know like those hopes and dreams for the future - that job I'm fundraising for is going to be it! That man who I'm slowly becoming friends with and failing to keep a secret I wish we were better friends already. (i guess if i don't post this one on fb that last line will be okay right?) The romantic in me is optimistic, she's a go getter, she's bright and happy and when she's made up her mind there ain't no one not even cracking family can changer her mind... though she's sad they don't agree and being a romantic she's good at crying. But'cha can't keep her down for long because she has dreams! She knows how escape the pain and dream big, plan big and numb away her impatience until that moment arrives when that dream comes true.

The spiritual side is silent. But only for a little while silent. Weeping. "Oh Lord we cast down our idol's! Give us clean hands and give us pure hearts! Let us not lift our souls to another!" Here I am again realizing and being convicted once again of an idol. But this time it's success... but who's defining it this time? Not the God of the world but family, comfort, and my world around me.
Why am I sitting here feeling like I'm sitting yards and yards under the end of my rope with nothing left to give. I have pride that is struggling to hold me up but it stifling. I can't be my own hero.That's Jesus, Jesus is the best hero. He has real power.
 I can't hold it in and keep a straight face or appearance.  
Fundraising for a church plant admin job is what God is currently using to kick me in the butt.
But it's kinda a good thing, God has gotten me to this point again where I don't have anything to fix my situation. I don't have the power or the good self imposed reason to move things forward.

Where are my dreams? What am I doing with my life? Why should I keep going... doing fundraising? Why not stop now?
Why not? Because He (Jesus/Holy Spirit) has brought me thus far and He has plans for my future. Why not? Because of love for people, I don't want to let down. But this answer honestly is like a knife in my heart.
Why not stop now? Maybe I ought to be asking instead Holy Spirit, You got any pointers? Why should I keep going? Got in better motives then selfish gain? Why? Fro His glory, for His church. Run hard in the service of His body, the bridge, the church. This part of the process doesn't feel good. I don't want to fundraise for life. But if I can serve my family of believers, bring Go glory, and grow closer to and deeper in the Holy Spirit, okay. Okay Jesus is worth it. His glory and a deep relationship with Him are worth it.

I'm unsure about my future, but God is good. He know the plans He has for me.
Holy Spirit keeping setting my heart on things above.

Demanding Love

Is there a person or group of people that you just have a really hard time being around?
I do. I won't tell you who but it seems to always come down to the idea that when I'm with them they demand to be loved, demand to be respected. And I just don't like that! I want to give love and respect to those I pick. One of my biggest pet peeves is when men demand respect but are not respectable or treat others with respect of any kind.
But I was sitting being upset about when a dialogue started to form. (I didn't really hear voices. This is just me talking out the conviction).

GIRL: I don't want to love X or Z! I don't want to respect them, they aren't being loving! They aren't respecting! They don't deserve it!

DADDY: Do you, Vicki? Do you, yourself deserve love and respect?

GIRL: YES! I DO! I'm kind most of the time! I serve others, I work hard, I'm part of a church....

DADDY: Why do you... do church?

GIRL: um... because of. ... Jesus?

DADDY: What about Jesus.

GIRL: Well. Um, uh... He saved me. Gave me grace a free gift I don't - BUT DADDY IT'S NOT THE SAME!

DADDY: Are you sure about dat?

GIRL: I don't want to talk about it!

But God shows His love for us that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. 

Romans 5:8

DADDY: Who doesn't deserve what? Sounds to me like you are in the same boat as they. Now look-a-here young lady! You can sit there in that crowded boat grumbling and demanding to be treated right like the rest or you can praise the One Who has saved you. 

I'm not going to say it's easy. Because it ain't.

But do you understand me? Don't you see? You have been loved with an everlasting love that loved you when you were DEAD and rotting! But this love of Jesus has not only made you alive but has set you free from the law of sin and death. Jesus has redeemed you. Forgiven you. And adopted you as His own. This is grace hon.

GIRL: Daddy? I hurt. I'm sad. It is hard for me to love them but I understand too that I am just as spiteful to You. I hurt You lots don't I? I'm sorry, Da. Da? Um. They still aren't my favorite. 

DADDY: I'm not asking you to pick favorites. I'm asking you to love as I have loved you. I'm here to help, and have placed you in a new family to help as well. 

GIRL: Thank you!!! Bunches thank you!

So how does this look? I guess when they demand love, I can laugh because they already have it! Because of Jesus, I can love each person I meet already. When they demand respect while being unrespecting I can show grace because I have been graced, AND stand firm in my convictions. Loving others the way Jesus does me doesn't make me a push over with people. It means I'm a push over to God's way, and hidden in the Rock of Christ while dealing and loving people well. 

Lord, mold me a new. I need the grace to give. I need the reminder that I am too a sinner and don't deserve grace.

The only One who should really demand grace here is God. But He doesn't.. He woo's. 

Idol's and Luke 15

I was thinking back over the sermon I heard on Sunday night today an was complaining in my brain because I thought the series we're starting was Idols! What in the world does Luke 15 have to do with idols? Then my "be nice" self cut in - Were you listening to the sermon at all? Matt did talk about Idols!
Naaa-aaaah!
Yeaaaa-aaaah! It had to do with the brothers heart motive!
Huh? How's that work?
Think about it.... maybe pray about it?

So I did.
Mmmm so the prodigal son is about two son's that want their father's riches but don't really care about Dad. But Dad love his boys! He wants the best for them. He is a loving father.
(reader i'm sorry i'm to tired to write more... maybe later.)


By the end of the day I came away with the questions... What was the two brothers idols? What was pride saying in their hearts? What are my idol's that make me hate God but love His riches. What is my pride? And who does that make God if I'm right?

Randomness

I want to be beautiful
I want to be wanted.

Just listened to my roomie melt down about her job and personal life. Previously we'd watched four episodes of TLC's What Not to Wear, we both love the show. But somehow after watching it I just feel empty and not up to par. In one hour it will be Valentines Day 2014 and I'm just feeling the blues. The last two days have been not normal due to snow and ice covering the south which means shutting down cities and towns. My work has not be open for business and neither has a lot of places. It's been nice, but I miss my schedules.
But today I went an hung out with neighbors who invited other neighbors within walking distance. It was a great time, but I slowly have become aware that  I hang out with a lot of couples. I'm 28 and single and today I was just really feeling it. It seems like the  groups and people I gravitate toward are married folk. An I just miss being around singles... but when I'm with all singles I hate it and want there to be married folks there too. Why don't I have an even mix? Why don't these groups mix more? I enjoy singlihood but I also hate it. Its a joy and a struggle.
I was recently talking with a married friend (she's been married about 2years) and asked her how it was going. She said she loves but she hates it, just like in singliness there were days she loved but it was a struggle. Marriage is the same she loves it but its a struggle too. She was reminding me that both are a blessings and one is not better then the other, it's where God has you. Reminds me of what another friend said, "X amount of years ago I traded my single man struggles in for a married man struggles".

Lord God,
I don't know what You have for my future but I know You are good. Jesus I ache right now, please hold me! Please keep Your promise that You put the lonely in families (ps68:6), that You will never leave or forsake me (Deut 31:6). Teach me to love You most best and always, walk in obedience to You, keep Your commandments, hold fast to and cherish You Jesus, and to serve You with all my heart, soul, and mind (Josh 22:5). Daddy God if there is husband in my future prepare us both for that life and grow us strong and in love with You Jesus, make us fishers of men, makes us look like you. And Daddy if there is no husband in my future then just grow me in those things anyway! Make me about You. At the end of my life bring You glory and bring me joy! Love You! Night night.

Song from Frozen

So I've been listening to this song from Disney's movie Frozen "For the First Time in Forever"... I know somebody out there probably has already said this... But I just can't help think about Jesus and living life with Him and without Him when I hear this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-eUjFm8qXI

Anna's ready to work through the freezing together in a loving relationship ...like Jesus family works through life together. No matter how hard, broken, and gross it can be. Because of Jesus' death on the cross He reconciles us to Himself and then to each other. In Christ there is family and a way to move forward when the chips are down.

Elisa believes she can happily make it on her own, that living this way won't hurt anybody... but isn't it true that when we live in our own little bubble we don't see how our selfishness is hurting others? Isn't it true that when you have a gift and you hide it you are hindering helpfulness to others? Others will miss out on the great gift you have.
Also she's living in fear, which isolates, but that's the only way she can see to live.
dun-da-daaaaaaaaaa! Jesus needed! Family needed to share Jesus... "how will they hear unless someone preaches to them?" Romans something.

just some thoughts.

Adoring Him and His Joy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea-uQFPcvaM&list=FL34tlWAYCV1UNmuMqNRFLVA

you know this song?

I've found that it brings me back to Jesus and God's love for me. The idea that all He ever wants is my heart makes me at ease. makes me giggle like a little crushing girl. makes me adore Christ. the moments when i remember that He wants my heart its easier to obey and follow Jesus. it's a lot to follow some one you adore and want to be like. 

another thing i've found is that when i ask how can i serve here where i am it brings me joy and energy to be present and serve. I haven't gotten to a place where i remember to live for others and Jesus on the daily or constantly but maybe one day i'll be better at it. right now I'm really selfish and unconcerned about how others feel. its disgusting to me but i keep trying to do it on my own. And God is faithful to show me i can't change myself, i need help to be loving and servant hearted. I need a Savior to give me a serving and loving spirit. 

This summer I went to see one of my sisters on the journey there i was adoring Baba God - i love road trips, I love looking up at the big blue sky and clouds, i love seeing new things. I love the new perspectives to my life a different place brings. I learned on that trip that obeying Jesus without fighting Him brings growth too, before hand I'd only seen me grow from mistakes, sins and fighting Him. I took the attitude of serving my sister while being a house guest and it just made my visit really wonderful. The thing is that when I come back home its easy to forget to live like I do when I live... you know its like going to camp and being on a "mountain high".  

Lil' Goose Stories

I've recently started writing stories about a goose that lives on a farm and learns the gospel in every story. so in case you miss reading Vicki blogs... I'm sorry. I'll probably get back to it sometime. But i'm enjoying writing short stories for now. I'm dreaming real big and hoping one day they will be published... however, I don't know how that will pan out. Haven't counted the costs there. We'll see! Mean time I love writing and I love the gospel! God is so amazing!