I think that selfishness is a really sneaky little tike. There are many different ways that it rears its ugly head in my life. Beside the first note today. And here again I believe it is often looked over or pushed to the side because we all are selfish, so if your not a twenty-five year old that is still acting like a spoiled four year old who doesn't want anyone to touch any of the toys because "their MINE! ALL MINE!" then you're fine. You're doing great, don't worry about it. Nobody but you knows about it, so you can continue on your way as you were. Boo. Boo, I say! Boo. No thank you. I don't want to be stuck the rest of my life finding out new ways that I'm selfish and not grow from it.
For instance I'm taking this class called Recovery at my church and in the middle of the book there are what'cha call inventories. Taking inventory of different aspects of your life. The one that I've gotten stuck on is on Resentments and Anger. I tend to believe that I'm not a very anger person but gracious! When my Dad passed away last year anger and resentment came all boiling up! I read a very good book last year called Uprooting Anger by Robert D. Jones that made me mad at Mr Jones, but I found the root of that anger was that the core of my anger was being revealed. I just wanted MY way to be THE way. Didn't he know that he shouldn't write anything to offend the great Vicki? I mean really! But later in the book he talked about how when we become angry we are setting ourselves up as a judge over the situation. Me getting angry over my Dad passing away suddenly was me setting myself up as the judge - I believed it to be wrong that Dad died - so therefore God must be wrong since I claimed the judgment seat.There have been too many examples in the past week for me to decide which to put down. However, going through this inventory I am so humbled to find out just how much I think all circumstances should go my way.
There are bad things that have happened in my life and the lives of my family. Things that were just wrong and painful to all weather we admit them or not. As far as I know righteous anger is called for but what do we do after the righteous anger? What do we do with that righteous anger if we even have any? Most of my anger has been me focused. As in "hey! why'd you do that? Or why'd that happen? Ouch!" Some I know would say I have a right to carry on that anger and resentment toward that person or thing that happened. But do I? Am I the ultimate judge? Do I give the most adequate response or judgement to the offense?
No. No, I am not the ultimate judge. Jesus is. No, I cannot give the most adequate judgment to any offense. God does. No, I don't have the right to lord my pain over another as some would say. Because Jesus Christ came an lived a life I could never live. Because I, in the sight of God, am no more then any other. I'm a dang sinner without the righteousness of God. God is the true judge, all of life revolves around Him. In my revenge I would say evil things of people I barely know. In my revenge I would miscount any harm done to them and yell about how much they should have respected me, so why didn't they? And in my revenge I would mistreat all who did me harm of every level until they learned - in reality to be the bigger person - to treat me how I deserve. mmm - I'm stuck here thinking oh know what if the ppl who read this don't like what I put down next? What if they find me judgmental and without understanding and grace? But I've just remembered: Nobody reads this! I'm not that famous and I live before the face of God anyhow. And this is a really long post... if yours still reading wow! why? are you that bored?
But this isn't how God calls me to live. God calls me to live as Jesus did. To treat those who misuse me the same way Jesus responded. With forgiveness. Everyday I misuse my salvation, everyday I give God reason why Jesus died on the cross. If God acted like I act when I get angry then Christianity would totally be works based and even after a life of works based living I'd still end up in Hell forever. Praise Jesus He's more like a father with his four year old screaming son who really needs a spanking and a nap!
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:19-20
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” ~ Romans 12:19
