A Desert Whine

Lord, I just don't wanna pray right now about this thing!

I'm just like that lil'ole' Israel:

Why'd You have to bring me to the desert to die?

Back in Egypt I had a solid roof on 'ore my head!

In quiet heart I sigh:

What are You working in this waiting Lord?

What are you doing? 

I'm like Your Gomer You led

Out to the desert to woo.

All I can muster is:

I was comfortable in my Egyptian bed!

How, the hell, am I to sleep with all these cold stones

 jabbing my back?

In response You begin my heart to woo to You!

Your patient eyes they watch me whine

Your firm commands are protective and kind.

While I sit with rebellious eyes

Refusing to pray because I'm so afraid,

Afraid to say aloud

I think You lied.

I sit here in my imprisoning pride.

Have I misunderstood?

Did You lie?

I thought since You'd already swiftly moved

You'd shock me farther a continued fast pace!

You moved fast and now You've slowed?

Why?

I just don't understand why You brought me

to this never ending desert place?

Now that I've been honest I remember that 

You are God and You are good.

I am always in Your hands,

Safe and understood.

If I misunderstood You will use my failings.

Even if You lied -- which is against Your God ways!

You are good and worthy of trust and praise.

You've brought me thus far

(And You know dat's farther then anybody else ever did!)

I will trust Your heart

On this, O Lord Jesus.

I'll bring You this thing that has not gone my way

I'll bring You my pride and lay down my will.

I'll put these on the alter 

And stab'em til they're dead-dead!

Strike a match and let'em burn.

It'll hurt to watch'em roast to ash 

My will that convinced me it would be so

My pride that gave me that control.

I was refusing to trust Your way

Because I idolized mine, 

Instead of waiting and watching Yours unfold.

Here I come back, Dada!

Arms out stretched and tears in my heart.

Dada! Please forgive me!

I've broke both our hearts when I left.

Hold me again and be my first Love

For-lasting-ever!

You pick me up 

And show me Your scars

Beloved.

I knew you'd run before you did

I know you'll run again,

But these are for you!

My gospel will always be true!

I love you.

Everyday.

A Precious Reminder

My day was great... until 3pm when I realized the up coming change and new friends that I will be making is where I've been placing my happiness, identity most of the week. Once I'm there serving them and doing whatever needs to be done and rejoicing in the victories with these new friends, my life will be full and successful! I thought.

But wait a sec, Vicki-Sue! You're a freaking Christian and so are they soooo that means that when you're wrong they're going to confront you, when you're in sin... they're going to rebuke you. Uuugh! Ouch! Maybe I don't want to go to MillCity. Oh wait, but I have to cause God has called me to it. Craaaaap! This is not going to be easy! And don't forget, Vicki-Sue, when they sin against you or you have sinned against them you have to reconcile with them. Awwwe, dang it! But yeah that does make friendships sweeter and stronger and I like this kind of friendship best. God I need you. 

Later at work other thoughts crossed my mind with condemning strikes against my worth. Self pity and distractions kept me company all the way into Staples (Errands! Not my fav Friday night plans.) where the remembrance that Jesus died for me, my friends, and the world. Jesus gives us real, lasting worth. Holy Spirit gives us real, lasting comfort and guidance. Changes in my life and new friends can't give me any of that. I really need Jesus! I really need Jesus! Like an addict needs their drug only so much more! I can't do this life thing on my own! Me fixing my life or "helping" makes life harder. Holy Spirit, I freaking, NEED You!

I finally reach home about 7:30pm hungry, tired, and emotionally drained with more studying ahead of me this night. I was ready to give up again. While waiting for my Hot Pockets to heat up, I looked at the picture of little Victorian - a four year old Compassion kid... 

I bet when he's hungry for dinner it takes longer then 3 minutes to heat up. Ouch! I have it good, but I'm acting like my whole life is falling apart... what am I? Five? 

I bet he doesn't have a unknown number of clothing, bet he sleeps on the floor. Ooouch! I have so much stuff I don't know how to clean my room! 

*sigh* I am very rich. I have more then I need to live, but most of the time my heart demands - even screams - I need more. 

But just like little Victorian all I really need is Jesus for physical and spiritual. True lasting identity, worth, and confidence/joy is only found in having Jesus as Lord and Savior Friend.  

Lord Change My Mind

Been realizing that I crush on boys really fast and often just because he noticed me. The "he noticed me" turns into daydreams that are absolutely ridiculous like "oh he smiled at me, we're so getting married!" or "he liked it that I laughed unexpectedly loud at his joke, we should be a couple hands down, for sure".

Ridiculousness!  

Been thinking over the weekend that I bet marriage is difficult because there's the relationship with Jesus to focus on but also you're spouse. Staying focused on Jesus is hard enough! No wonder Paul says if you can remain single do so. With this thoughts I decided not to crush again because I need to focus on Jesus. But then there was another guy being a sweet person again and today I headed straight for "crush on/dwell to much him" land. But then this new thought came... when I dwell in daydream land I say things to men I would never say to their face because it would be to bold, I allow for things in my mind to happen that if done physically I know I can't let Jesus catch me doing so why oh why do I think I can get away with it in thought? 

The new thought and challenge of the day: Love Jesus with my mind. If I wouldn't do something physically or in the "out loud voice" because it would break my Saviors heart then I shouldn't be okay with even thinking it. Do I love my Savior enough to stop disrespecting men in my mind? Do I want to please my Savior enough to  be pure in mind? Am I ready to be madly in love with my Savior?

Lord, please help! Make me pure in mind. I need so much grace, so much help. Thank You Daddy for already answering.

Gushing

tonight I was reminded that in light of my sin and Who Jesus God is, I'm a whore. I run out on my first Love, my Savior every day and wear a scarlet letter proudly as if it were a good thing.

this weekend I've been struck with Matthew 16:24 "if anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me". In Roman times the cross was a tool of torture. So take up mu torture and follow Jesus?
deny myself my desires for that idol, that comfort.

that rings so true and so right when it comes to my "darling" sin. my constant problem, my constant shame. The sin that I've brought before the Lord so many times before and just begged Him to take it away.

But what if He doesn't? what if this sin, this "darling" sin of mine is my cross? what if this is what i'm called to deny myself and follow? what if this is my reminder again and again of my whoring after a broken useless treasure is the thing that points me back to my deep and real need of a Savior.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

While coming home after a party tonight I was grace with some sweet words from a friendship that has grown deeper in the last two years. God has been blessing me so much with this new found friendship in an old relation. 

even though i struggle daily to be in love with my first Love, He loves and peruses my heart tenderly. 

His convictions are a grace to me. His love overwhelms me to tears. this life on earth i'll live with Him as my Love, my darling, my Savior with many stumbling still to come but this love! this love. i can't wait to get to Heaven and yet i'm so young. i'll wait on You're timing O Lord my God. Spread out You're mighty arms and fill us with Your love and boldness to spread You're fame among the nations. Glory be Yours forever, Amen.

Halloween at the Hansen's

Yesterday I was reminiscing Dad being alive and traditions that my family had. One such tradition was that of Halloween! :) on Halloween we didn't go Trick-or-Treating, or dress up. We would close up the house, turn out all the lights except the kitchen light and make it look like we weren't home so the Trick-or-Treater would stay away. Ha! Dinner would be super normal and then we'd get the dishes done so the fun could begin. Ma would make homemade doughnuts and hot apple cider! Mmmm! So tasty and warm! As we ate and drank our share we sat around the kitchen telling jokes, funny stories, and sometimes pull out the card games. I have very fond memories of Halloween. I miss those cozy nights with the fam. 

I guess that was Ma&Dad's idea of keeping the kids safe and making the night special so when our friends talked about Halloween we didn't feel left out. It was great idea and I sure enjoyed it!

I was feeling all sorry for myself because I don't have any fun Halloween party to go to this year, nor do I have any fun tradition of my own. But I guess it goes without saying that when we grow up and move out on our own we have to create "new normal's". So now that I'm an adult what is my new normal for Halloween? Well... here's something that I guess for me is a new tradition, at my job they let us dress up! :) Every year excepting one I have dressed up as a princess. Every year I freeze on my way out to my car just so I can have a little fun! I enjoy going around telling everyone "I'm a princess!" and seeing the different characters that show up to work every year! This year is no exception to the rule, in a few hours I will dawn an old brides maids dress and crystal necklace as a crown and freeze on my way to work smiling at my girlishness and enjoy the day! 

A Prayer for Rain

God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we expect. He doesn't always do just what we ask.

I've been praying for it to rain in Columbia on September 19, 12 for about a month because rain makes me smile and remember that God made that rain, God loves me, but I also love the rain because it leaves water puddles all along my street which I quiet enjoy splashing in like a little girl because doing so makes me feel beautiful in that I'm splashing with my Father God who made me to be me and not anybody else. 

I was praying for rain on this day because 2 years ago Dad passed away... I wanted to be sure today that Jesus loves me. To be sure of God's faithfulness.

Well it rained most of Monday and Tuesday and there were plenty of beautiful puddles to run through the last two nights (of course I did! and discovered new ones! Sweet!) While I drove sleepy eyed to work this morning I admired beautiful clouds and the sun rise. The weather has been gorgeous today! And the sky? The most beautiful and comforting/peaceful blue.

At lunch time I was sitting outside enjoying the weather remembering my request when it hit me that God didn't give me rain, but wait! That's probably a good thing maybe rain would have made Ma sad today. Maybe somebody is having a hard time and just really needed to be blessed with a gorgeous sunshiny day?!

I guess what I'm saying is that there are things I didn't think about when I was praying for what I thought would be best for me. 

I forgot about others, and their needs

I forgot that God does all things well, even when I don't understand

That God knows what I need 

Which brings me back to why I wanted rain. My Dad wasn't one of those "I love you's" all the time dad's, in fact I heard that rarely from him. What I received most from him was a rejection... I thought well if it rains on the 19th then I'll know for sure that God loves me. Silly Vicki. No, Honey, God loves you all the time. Rain or shine, dark or light. Loving daddy's don't give their children everything they ask for (that's called spoiling) they give them what they need and yep sometimes we get what we want, but it's a special thing called a gift.

I could go crazy analyzing why my Dad wasn't the best in the world and what could have made him a better Dad. I could get angry and grow bitter about who he was or wasn't and I could shake my fists at God screaming I deserve better! I'm not about to say that the pain inflected by my Dad was good or okay because it just wasn't, but I do just want to say that God does knows what I need. I've never been without something I truly needed. God is good, His heart is loving, His ways fulfill His glory, He has a plan for His beloved children.  

I don't understand every trail I've walked through, I don't understand why good prayers don't get the result we ask for, I don't have a point system of "well if you go through this much suffering you'll get this or will grow this much..." or "well, if this happened to you then this is why you went through it or this is what happened". Nope, sorry I don't have those kinds of answers. I only know from James 1 that God uses trails and suffering to mature us in our faith in Him. I know by reading Psalms, Isaiah, and Joel that God doesn't look the other way when we suffer. When life just sucks He's not ignoring you, He's carrying His own in His strong and gentle embrace. When we are weak He is strong. 

God is an all knowing, all powerful, loving disciplinary Daddy. A lot in my life I have gotten mad at Him asking why me? Why this hardship? Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions, maybe I'm focused on the wrong thing. Instead of looking at my circumstances maybe I oughta just trust that God is my loving Daddy and cry in His arms when it hurts. Maybe I should ask what is God teaching and training me in? Maybe instead of hugging my busted pride I oughta open my hands praying "Daddy? Here are my aches, painful sufferings, here are my tears, how can You use them as encouragement in someone else's life?"

...there is a friend that sticks closer then a brother. prov. 18:24b

just a fav of mine currently is psalm 147 (esp.10-11) ;)

Ab's and Idiots

      I just wanted to say that today God convicted me of some major stuff. Some real life sin was revealed and I felt like such an idiot when I saw what I've been doing. It was like God was like "Honey, I love you. There's hope for change in Me from this and if you don't come back your totally an idiot. Come here." God guilt shows you what your doing wrong and at the same time gives you peace so that you can be changed in Him.

      Then later in the day I was praying about a situation where I don't know how to love someone because "I never do that" but God pointed out to me that I do "that" it just looks different because I label it differently. Because I hide it better. I may look okay on the outside but on the inside, I'm doing the very same thing I don't know how to deal with... but I do. Because God has already given me the tools I need to walk forward trusting Him. The thing is I need to trust and obey.

      Lastly. I went to Water Aerobic's Class tonight after work with my sad face about my idiotiness and learned to laugh at myself once again while running around the pool with strangers. My arms and ab's are so sore! But I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have sore muscles they'd be flabby and that's not healthy. I'm pretty sure that if God didn't convict me of sin I'd be, well, I wouldn't be His. I wouldn't care about anybody and I'd be you know more out of shape in every way. Exercise and convictions are good things... they keep us alive and well.