New hands

I have things to say. Things to share. Things I've done but tonight I'm just tired and trying to hide from the One Friend that really cares because He doesn't do for me everything I want... that's just silly I know. But for some reason being in my own little bad mood is my thing tonight. I think my problem is mostly that I don't want to give up and cry about the things that are bothering me and let Jesus handle them or teach me what to do with them. I'm trying to hold on real tight and saying "I can do it myself, thanks. I GOT this! OkAaaaaaaaaaay?!! For real leave me alone!"

But sitting here typing this is reminding me of something else realized a week or so ago...

When I was young I use to go swing in the back yard to get away... I swung so much that my palms were callused hard and rough, as well as discolored by the rusty chains. But now I'm twenty-six and my palms are soft, smooth, and white. Which made me think of how I use to run away from pain and sorrow into my dream world to be filled with happiness and acceptance. But as the years came and went the happy place became a danger to my relationship with my Daddy God. Him and me grew deep as the old habit grew to  hinder more then help; my old stompin grounds of wild imaginings of anywhere but here, where I'm the center of the story and the main character or where the hero always picked me to be by his side was wasting me and pulling me far from Him.

But what? What's that Lord? You are the hero every time? You're the real center of my story and I'm just a breath? What? Naaa-huuu-uh! What? I'm sitting here fighting You, and yet You're asking me, pursuing me, to be by Your side? I'd love to but that means I can't be the center. I'd love to but that means that when I ache I have to come to You and give You my everything. NO! I can't do that! How will I live with nothing to control? Nothing to hang on to? No power. Nothing familiar to hang on too. Is there another way to be free and have a that deep relationship with Jesus? No, no, no, Lord! I will hang tight to these chains! I will continue in my ways and live with rough, discolored callused hands. Not feeling pain or frustration has to be the way, right?...

Beloved. Beloved. Beloved. What are you seeking in that habit you've chased? What do you need most of all things? Is it helping? Are you at peace? Come sit by Me, come rest and drink deeply of My love. Beloved, come home. Daughter, I loved you first, I love you most, I love you best. Beloved daughter come rest by my side. You don't have to be what they demand. I made you the way you are for a purpose, put that down, I love you the way I made you. Beloved come quickly. 

When I sit by Daddy God's side He heals me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. Nothing can ever change that. When I brought my sorrows to Him, He didn't stop the sting of the pain He taught me how to see  Him through it. He opened my eyes to the hope that radiates from His very nature. When I turn and run to that old habit I can feel He's sadness and silences  as He lets me go. I hear Him calling me back to Himself. Asking, was I not good to you beloved? Am I not still good? Look down at your hands dear child and tell me what you see.

Oh Daddy! My hands are soft and white but Yours are now rough and hard...and blood... blood! Why is there blood on Your hands? That should be mine! That's mine! Stop You can't take that from me, I can't repay You! I don't know how to live Your way! You'll have to teach me, is that okay? Is that okay? Tell me why You have my bloodied rough hands.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2043:16%20-%2044:8&version=NIV1984

Jesus died for me. He saw me in my Egypt and brought me out to the desert. He redeemed and restores my soul for His name sake(ps23). He gives oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS Splendor (Isaiah 61:3). For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteous, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. (Isaiah 61:10-11)

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your Name (ps 86:11)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%2017:20-25&version=NIV1984

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James1:2-6

My life is about His glory. When I lay my control down He makes me beautiful, when I pick my controlling habits back up I make myself rough, hard, and discolored. I love because He first loved me and gave Himself up for me. That's why I can now have soft hands. I am loved and accepted by Daddy God, and like a loving faithful Father, His is teaching me how to live without my every things. I'm being transformed. *happy sigh* Transforming because He frees and redeems.

Hard Day with a Shinning Hope

     Today was a hard day. I've been overly worrisome since Sunday mainly over what does this person think of me or that person? And what kind of impression do i make on people? Is a good? Am I too honest? Do I talk too much? Are all those things people said of me all those years ago true? While all these question rattled around in my brain more appeared. Why are some people mean? Why didn't they have people who loved Jesus around them? Why doesn't God save everybody? If He did wouldn't we all be happier and there wouldn't be so much pain in the world? God? Why not? Are You mean? It's so unfair!

     Vicki, dear. Do you really want God to be fair with you? Do you really want God to be just with you?

     Uh... no, thanks. If I don't sin anymore for the rest of my life starting now, and God was just, I'd still burn in Hell forever. Or if we took my best day for God to be just and forget all the rest... nah, I'd still go to hell. So, God? Why did You save me?  Thank You. Really? Me, God? You sent Jesus to die for me? Don't you know who I am? Thank You. I don't know what to say. I don't have words.

     Anxious thoughts halted for some minutes. I wish I could tell you I stayed still for the rest of the work day, but they didn't. But still when I stop and think of all the people on earth and how few will be in Heaven with Jesus, I wonder why? Why me? Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful but wow! God of the universe picked me. Ridiculously good.

Suffering

    So does God allow suffering so that through the healing process and after we can clearly see His glory and might? 

I was about to text a friend this question and say that I don't know if I'd tell someone suffering that, however in hindsight for me, I can see God as good through and because of my healing.

But before I was able to send that I got prayer request from a good friend saying that her sister's pregnancy isn't going well but to pray that her sister would know through it all that God is good and God's will is good.  It struck me that knowing that we serve a mighty and good God is really comforting in the mist of pain.

     But every suffering? Is every suffering so that we can see the glory and might of God abound? Is there any other way? But Vicki, didn't Jesus ask the same question about the cross? Yet Jesus still had to suffer death. And I guess this would make James 1:2-4 more worth saying. 

Count it all joy my brothers whenever you meet trails of various kinds, 

for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, 

not lacking anything.

But every suffering? Ouch. This is a hard thing to wrestle with... but I am sitting here thinking only of my pain again. Maybe if I step aside and look at this from a God-ward perceptive. 

     I started thinking about all this because I'm reading through Exodus and this book call Redemption by Mike Wilkerson.  In the book it talks about life in Christ and His redemption with Exodus story interlooping through out each chapter. 

 I've honestly been enjoying the book of Exodus better with my journal and jotting down anything that pops out at me or silly comments I have for God's ears only. All my question came out of the ten plagues chapters. In Exodus chapter 10: 2 God tells Aaron and Moses that He has harden Pharaoh's heart so that they may tell their children and grandchildren of the great miracles of the Lord and that they would know that He is the Lord. Which when I read that part it made my heart explode with thankfulness for the ten plagues because while reading about them and Pharaoh I to am assured that God is the one true God. I too am encouraged to follow the God of the Bible. 

     So lets look at the suffering question again. Does God allow suffering to show His power and might through healing? All suffering? Yes, and I think yes.

     I say yes because I know that through the suffering of others and my own I've been lead to believe that God is great, not because the suffering was terrible - no that is cause that I always will struggle and doubt about God's kindness - but the redemption and healing I've seen in others and in my own life yes, God uses suffering and healing to show His might and glory. All suffering? I think so. I could be wrong. But considering Revelation 21: 1-8 that one day Jesus will return and there will be a new heaven and earth and He is making all things new. As well as considering the cross of Christ - the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body -  all that that entails, I think I'm going to conclude that yes all suffering can an ultimately will show off the glory and might of God. 

    And the suffering of unbelievers in Christ what of it? Yes, that too can show us the might and glory of God. Look at the life of Samson or any dictator you want or anyone who has harmed you that hasn't repented. How much greater do they reveal God to be because of the stark differences. Because when I find myself asking how could anyone do such evil, why didn't anyone stop him these questions getting me look for Someone bigger, Someone stronger to right the wrong. Though in this life the wrong may not seem righted it's not mine to revenge. The evil of others whether they turn from their ways or not is for me to give to God. Jesus will deal with them. I need to trust them to Him and walk in His light of forgiveness and healing.

This is a lot I know. and I know that in future far or near I will wrestle with it again. but that's a good thing.

"Never Have I ever..."

     Have you ever played Never Have I Ever with a large group of ppl? I have. my Jesus family (Midtown Fellowship) likes to play that game on family vacations. I was just at a family meeting tonight and lots of things were shared and tons more laughed about, there were some tears too. Afterward driving around I was processing some of it and just wanted to go back to that full building and play Never Have I Ever with that bunch.
     Here's something that, had I said it when I first played with them (at Camp Bob Cooper) wouldn't have been true then, but now (if sitting down) I would have to jump up to find a new chair: Never have I ever known God's sweet love, His current will, and cape of approval on my life. And Never Have I Ever upon hearing about a friend leaving had the reaction of "YEAH! That's so great! Go! oh wait you're leaving, I'm gonna cry now. but yay!"

if you don't know how to play Never Have I Ever 1. you probably don't go to Midtown, 2. you're probably confused right now, and 3. just take the phrase "Never have i ever" off of the my statements and you got where i'm at right now. :) still confused? it's okay... i'm writing late at night.

I'm so excited about how God is leading and loving on my Jesus family right now...this year. I'm so blessed and encouraged by God's clear hand in my life and those around me. I'm so thankful that God has put me here for now. So thankful to find that the God of the Bible times still delights in His people. He delights in us ya'll!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pde89qbpII

Thank You Baba God

Thank You God for the good days, the hard days, the tearful days, the pain from deaths but most of all thank You that through all things You are good. Thank You for the blessings of change, for friends and new kind of family. Thank You for He Holy Spirit and Your kind of comfort. Thank You that 'He's not fair when He fixes what's beyond repair' -(Kendall Payne's song aslan). Thank You for snuggles when i don't deserve it. Thank You for Jesus dying on the cross for my sins the ones pple see but often and most for the ones pple don't see and pass over because "everybody does that" or "you may struggle with that forever, get use to it", Thank You that You don't become okay with my sins and breaking Your heart over and over every day just because I give up on myself. Thank You Baba that Jesus lived a perfect life and live with a crazy family that thought He was ridiculous, thank You sweet Holy Spirit that You get me. You understand. Thank You that You know what's just around the bend in my life and Your ready! Yeah! You got this one covered. I don't need to worry. I need to trust and walk with You through this life. (happy sigh) Thank You Baba for this life. Thank You for the lives of my friends and those that I will meet in the future. I'm quietly excited about this life ahead but so unsure of myself, but sure of You. I'm glad You never leave and You are really good.
Thank You for being good.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a2iVwURb14 

currently thinking... (just processing nothing huge)

so i'm borrowing a bed and mattress from a friend that is about to move to a different state which reminded me that sometime i'm going to have grow up and buy my own bed. which has thrown my mind in questions of what kind of bed do i want? and how much do i want to spend on it? how much do i need to start saving for it?
my first answers are quiet simple - twin sized, just the frame and as cheap as possible, free would be awesome.
but then i started thinking... well one roommate has a queen size bed and the other has a twin with a large head board, maybe something like that? but no. i don't want a head board because i remember so many times hitting my head on them as a kid - ouch! no thanks. and then i thought... get a queen size bed in case you get married one day. you can keep your bed and save money if he happens to be also sleeping on a twin bed currently too.
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. me? sleep on a queen size? no! how sad! growinng up i shared a queen size with my sister and that was fun. and a few times i've visited other pple where their guest bed was a queen and i just felt really lonely without a friend. besides they take up tons of room. and besides, you can fit lots of pple on a twin! hahaha! so it's settled i would like a twin sized though i will probably look at different types of frames just because, because.
i know i know, odd post. but there's my brain for you. besides i have a head cold, you never know what you will get when someone has a cold.

passionate

have you ever listened to or read different chapters of the Bible and been filled with the sense of awe at God's passionate love for His bride the church? He's passion that sets your heart still and then that rush? like you just want to lay in His arms. has His love ever awakened something new in you? has any such wonder of such love ever made you want  to drop everything and run to do He's bidding. yes the world calls, facebook calls my name and emails, work, crushes, sleep, but a pure love that yearns with passion for His bride the Church, each of His beloved children. *sigh* would that i remember such love daily.

psalm 45-46 and John 17