What do I do after I freak out?

K, do you guys ever have days where you freak completely out about something that's way off in the future or something that you don't even know will happen? cause I do. That happened to me this weekend. Yeah, so I was stuck at home this weekend with a bad cold which means I was extra sleepy (pron to more worry right? anybody hear me on that?) Okay well, I received a book in the mail that I had order When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey, I started reading it when out of what seemed like no where all these questions and statements started popping up. "Why are you read that? Oh you really think you're going to marry a good man do you? Why do you deserve a good man, look where you've come from! You're parents marriage was a mess! That was your only example, do you really think you can have a good marriage if your example was so bad? Tough luck, you'll never make it! You're screwed, just put the book down."

I did put the book down Friday night and cried and had a fitful sleep.

Saturday I tried again, same thing over again, same questions and accusations only this time they seemed louder and multiplied. I texted a friend and a pastor just a "Hey I have a big heavy question don't know who to talk to" deal. My friend called me and you know what she told me about, what we talked about that calmed me down? The gospel. Jesus. Community. Because of the gospel work that God did on the cross and how He is changing me and growing me through and deeper into the knowledge and love of the gospel and just my relationship with Him I don't have to fear that my marriage will be like my parents. Because of the Holy Spirit work in me, I don't have to make the same mistakes of my parents. I hope and pray that if I do get married it won't grow sour but even if it does the gospel of Jesus Christ is still true, God is still good, and the Holy Spirit is still at work. And if that weren't enough God has given me an extra blessing of a solid group of believers who if I'm dating a slees-bag will tell me quickly to drop him asap! 

So I'm okay. I can read When Sinner Say "I Do" because of the Holy Spirit and gospel change. I can live (and read) in faith that God is good and the gospel is still true for me, and will be in the future.

So I ended up not needing to talk to my pastor, just a friend. But I had told my pastor I was going to email him, so I just shot him a email of "hey this is what happened but I'm fine now because of Jesus" but now it's sunday night, I was sitting here worrying "oh gosh! I shouldn't have sent my pastor that email at all! He doesn't need to know especially since I'm fine now. aaaah, I wish there was a way to delete sent emails so that he doesn't get it cause totally he doesn't need too! I'm gonna die! He's gonna think I'm crazy! I just know he's gonna be reading my email thinking 'gosh, when is Vicki just gonna chill? When is she going to get it? When is she going to stop freaking out all the time?' Aaagh! *feelings of embarrassment* I'm such a crazy lady sometimes. eeewwww!"

    So what's that I do after I freak out? I freak out some more... about something else I can't control. 

Do I have the answer? Mmmm, no. But after church tonight I confessed to God that I was super anxious and right as I was telling God I don't know what to do about this, a thought came to mind: When I'm anxious, when I'm living in worry what does that preach to others that I believe about God in this circumstance? What am I tell others about God? What am I believing?

I'm believing that God's not in control

I'm believing that God's not good

I'm preaching that if there is a God He's not very big or strong 

I'm preaching if there is a God He really doesn't care about the details of my life

Mmmm. So do I really believe that when I stop all and think about it?

I do believe that God is good

that God is big and very strong

I struggle to believe that He cares even about my silly emails

and I do struggle to believe that He is really in control. of everything. all the time.

But here is something I know: I know that He has protected and provided for me in the past, from when I was born, to all the way through making me not coughing a lot in church tonight. I know that He is good and faithful. I know I can trust Him for today, tomorrow I can make plans for but freaking out and worrying about the out come of those plans and the reactions of my friends does me no good today. I can trust God to be loving and good today. I can let tomorrow worry about itself and my future worry about itself. And my future possible marriage to FutureMan? Well... that's many many tomorrow's away, it can worry about itself. I want to be able to trust God to be good and in control for the present day, thanks!