Beauty is a Steeple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51fQIiHlu8Q

I'm reading a really good book currently entitled When People are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch

the first half of the book was about things we fear and had self examining questions for why we fear those things or people. one awesome thing I read in this book is that when I fear some one say I'm terrified of men because they might abuse me, what I'm believing when I live in that fear is that men are stronger and more powerful then God Himself. I'm worshiping a creature and bowing to man's wants and thoughts of me instead of being sure that God who created man is still stronger and His thoughts and wants for me are loving. 

okay, so the first part was about fears not the part I'm reading currently is about fear of the Lord. See the idea is that when my fear of the Lord is rightly placed my other fears will either disappear or also be place underneath the fear of the Lord. 

Now to talk about my title *hehe i'm so excited!*

"Make sure you keep your eyes sett on the Holy One.Whether the subject is the Grand canyon or the Ten Commandments,these inspire awe because they are an expression of the holy character of God."

E.T. Welch pg111

Okay so the beauty is like a church steeple that makes up look up! Look up to the heavens to remind us to look to God. I was reading Welch's book at a park near my house yesterday and while walking home I was overwhelmed with the beauty all around me. Surely God is great and makes incredibly beautiful landscapes and houses! He made beautiful songs for the birds to sing and fuzzy tails for squirrels and then something else hit me and made me giggle with joy! A handsome young man recently bought the house next door, he is the most handsome of men I've ever encountered... just think! That new neighbor of mine, he's beautiful appearance steeples the holy character of God! (laughter in my soul!) Only a holy, holy, holy God could create such a being. Only a holy, holy, holy God could create such a lovely world! Only a holy, holy, holy God could write such a good set of laws. 

I was having some Jesus time this morning, reading a study on the life of David. I read 1 Chronicles 29:10-20 and then was asked to list what I'd learned about who God is from this reading. Here's the verse that stuck out most to me.

Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. 1 Chronicles 29:12

Our riches and honor come from God. These are beautiful thing, which steeple the holy character of God.

God rules over all. This is a beautiful thing that points to the holy character of God.

In God's hand is power and might! These are great things and i'm sooooooooo grateful for His power and might! They steeply and point me to His holy, holy, holy, character.

It lies in God's hand to make great and to strengthen everyone! Is this not encouragement? is this not something that makes your heart want to dance?

I've been thinking a lot about that handsome boy next door and even my reading this morning brought me back to put he's being back into a God loving perceptive. Boy is handsome and kind but it's God who gives him what I think is great because in God's hand is riches and honor, to make great and to strengthen. So, Self, praise and worship the Creator who has blessed me with countless reminders of His great and holy character. 

 Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. 1 Chronicles 29:12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51fQIiHlu8Q

What do I do after I freak out?

K, do you guys ever have days where you freak completely out about something that's way off in the future or something that you don't even know will happen? cause I do. That happened to me this weekend. Yeah, so I was stuck at home this weekend with a bad cold which means I was extra sleepy (pron to more worry right? anybody hear me on that?) Okay well, I received a book in the mail that I had order When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey, I started reading it when out of what seemed like no where all these questions and statements started popping up. "Why are you read that? Oh you really think you're going to marry a good man do you? Why do you deserve a good man, look where you've come from! You're parents marriage was a mess! That was your only example, do you really think you can have a good marriage if your example was so bad? Tough luck, you'll never make it! You're screwed, just put the book down."

I did put the book down Friday night and cried and had a fitful sleep.

Saturday I tried again, same thing over again, same questions and accusations only this time they seemed louder and multiplied. I texted a friend and a pastor just a "Hey I have a big heavy question don't know who to talk to" deal. My friend called me and you know what she told me about, what we talked about that calmed me down? The gospel. Jesus. Community. Because of the gospel work that God did on the cross and how He is changing me and growing me through and deeper into the knowledge and love of the gospel and just my relationship with Him I don't have to fear that my marriage will be like my parents. Because of the Holy Spirit work in me, I don't have to make the same mistakes of my parents. I hope and pray that if I do get married it won't grow sour but even if it does the gospel of Jesus Christ is still true, God is still good, and the Holy Spirit is still at work. And if that weren't enough God has given me an extra blessing of a solid group of believers who if I'm dating a slees-bag will tell me quickly to drop him asap! 

So I'm okay. I can read When Sinner Say "I Do" because of the Holy Spirit and gospel change. I can live (and read) in faith that God is good and the gospel is still true for me, and will be in the future.

So I ended up not needing to talk to my pastor, just a friend. But I had told my pastor I was going to email him, so I just shot him a email of "hey this is what happened but I'm fine now because of Jesus" but now it's sunday night, I was sitting here worrying "oh gosh! I shouldn't have sent my pastor that email at all! He doesn't need to know especially since I'm fine now. aaaah, I wish there was a way to delete sent emails so that he doesn't get it cause totally he doesn't need too! I'm gonna die! He's gonna think I'm crazy! I just know he's gonna be reading my email thinking 'gosh, when is Vicki just gonna chill? When is she going to get it? When is she going to stop freaking out all the time?' Aaagh! *feelings of embarrassment* I'm such a crazy lady sometimes. eeewwww!"

    So what's that I do after I freak out? I freak out some more... about something else I can't control. 

Do I have the answer? Mmmm, no. But after church tonight I confessed to God that I was super anxious and right as I was telling God I don't know what to do about this, a thought came to mind: When I'm anxious, when I'm living in worry what does that preach to others that I believe about God in this circumstance? What am I tell others about God? What am I believing?

I'm believing that God's not in control

I'm believing that God's not good

I'm preaching that if there is a God He's not very big or strong 

I'm preaching if there is a God He really doesn't care about the details of my life

Mmmm. So do I really believe that when I stop all and think about it?

I do believe that God is good

that God is big and very strong

I struggle to believe that He cares even about my silly emails

and I do struggle to believe that He is really in control. of everything. all the time.

But here is something I know: I know that He has protected and provided for me in the past, from when I was born, to all the way through making me not coughing a lot in church tonight. I know that He is good and faithful. I know I can trust Him for today, tomorrow I can make plans for but freaking out and worrying about the out come of those plans and the reactions of my friends does me no good today. I can trust God to be loving and good today. I can let tomorrow worry about itself and my future worry about itself. And my future possible marriage to FutureMan? Well... that's many many tomorrow's away, it can worry about itself. I want to be able to trust God to be good and in control for the present day, thanks!

New hands

I have things to say. Things to share. Things I've done but tonight I'm just tired and trying to hide from the One Friend that really cares because He doesn't do for me everything I want... that's just silly I know. But for some reason being in my own little bad mood is my thing tonight. I think my problem is mostly that I don't want to give up and cry about the things that are bothering me and let Jesus handle them or teach me what to do with them. I'm trying to hold on real tight and saying "I can do it myself, thanks. I GOT this! OkAaaaaaaaaaay?!! For real leave me alone!"

But sitting here typing this is reminding me of something else realized a week or so ago...

When I was young I use to go swing in the back yard to get away... I swung so much that my palms were callused hard and rough, as well as discolored by the rusty chains. But now I'm twenty-six and my palms are soft, smooth, and white. Which made me think of how I use to run away from pain and sorrow into my dream world to be filled with happiness and acceptance. But as the years came and went the happy place became a danger to my relationship with my Daddy God. Him and me grew deep as the old habit grew to  hinder more then help; my old stompin grounds of wild imaginings of anywhere but here, where I'm the center of the story and the main character or where the hero always picked me to be by his side was wasting me and pulling me far from Him.

But what? What's that Lord? You are the hero every time? You're the real center of my story and I'm just a breath? What? Naaa-huuu-uh! What? I'm sitting here fighting You, and yet You're asking me, pursuing me, to be by Your side? I'd love to but that means I can't be the center. I'd love to but that means that when I ache I have to come to You and give You my everything. NO! I can't do that! How will I live with nothing to control? Nothing to hang on to? No power. Nothing familiar to hang on too. Is there another way to be free and have a that deep relationship with Jesus? No, no, no, Lord! I will hang tight to these chains! I will continue in my ways and live with rough, discolored callused hands. Not feeling pain or frustration has to be the way, right?...

Beloved. Beloved. Beloved. What are you seeking in that habit you've chased? What do you need most of all things? Is it helping? Are you at peace? Come sit by Me, come rest and drink deeply of My love. Beloved, come home. Daughter, I loved you first, I love you most, I love you best. Beloved daughter come rest by my side. You don't have to be what they demand. I made you the way you are for a purpose, put that down, I love you the way I made you. Beloved come quickly. 

When I sit by Daddy God's side He heals me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. Nothing can ever change that. When I brought my sorrows to Him, He didn't stop the sting of the pain He taught me how to see  Him through it. He opened my eyes to the hope that radiates from His very nature. When I turn and run to that old habit I can feel He's sadness and silences  as He lets me go. I hear Him calling me back to Himself. Asking, was I not good to you beloved? Am I not still good? Look down at your hands dear child and tell me what you see.

Oh Daddy! My hands are soft and white but Yours are now rough and hard...and blood... blood! Why is there blood on Your hands? That should be mine! That's mine! Stop You can't take that from me, I can't repay You! I don't know how to live Your way! You'll have to teach me, is that okay? Is that okay? Tell me why You have my bloodied rough hands.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2043:16%20-%2044:8&version=NIV1984

Jesus died for me. He saw me in my Egypt and brought me out to the desert. He redeemed and restores my soul for His name sake(ps23). He gives oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS Splendor (Isaiah 61:3). For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteous, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. (Isaiah 61:10-11)

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your Name (ps 86:11)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%2017:20-25&version=NIV1984

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James1:2-6

My life is about His glory. When I lay my control down He makes me beautiful, when I pick my controlling habits back up I make myself rough, hard, and discolored. I love because He first loved me and gave Himself up for me. That's why I can now have soft hands. I am loved and accepted by Daddy God, and like a loving faithful Father, His is teaching me how to live without my every things. I'm being transformed. *happy sigh* Transforming because He frees and redeems.

Hard Day with a Shinning Hope

     Today was a hard day. I've been overly worrisome since Sunday mainly over what does this person think of me or that person? And what kind of impression do i make on people? Is a good? Am I too honest? Do I talk too much? Are all those things people said of me all those years ago true? While all these question rattled around in my brain more appeared. Why are some people mean? Why didn't they have people who loved Jesus around them? Why doesn't God save everybody? If He did wouldn't we all be happier and there wouldn't be so much pain in the world? God? Why not? Are You mean? It's so unfair!

     Vicki, dear. Do you really want God to be fair with you? Do you really want God to be just with you?

     Uh... no, thanks. If I don't sin anymore for the rest of my life starting now, and God was just, I'd still burn in Hell forever. Or if we took my best day for God to be just and forget all the rest... nah, I'd still go to hell. So, God? Why did You save me?  Thank You. Really? Me, God? You sent Jesus to die for me? Don't you know who I am? Thank You. I don't know what to say. I don't have words.

     Anxious thoughts halted for some minutes. I wish I could tell you I stayed still for the rest of the work day, but they didn't. But still when I stop and think of all the people on earth and how few will be in Heaven with Jesus, I wonder why? Why me? Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful but wow! God of the universe picked me. Ridiculously good.

Suffering

    So does God allow suffering so that through the healing process and after we can clearly see His glory and might? 

I was about to text a friend this question and say that I don't know if I'd tell someone suffering that, however in hindsight for me, I can see God as good through and because of my healing.

But before I was able to send that I got prayer request from a good friend saying that her sister's pregnancy isn't going well but to pray that her sister would know through it all that God is good and God's will is good.  It struck me that knowing that we serve a mighty and good God is really comforting in the mist of pain.

     But every suffering? Is every suffering so that we can see the glory and might of God abound? Is there any other way? But Vicki, didn't Jesus ask the same question about the cross? Yet Jesus still had to suffer death. And I guess this would make James 1:2-4 more worth saying. 

Count it all joy my brothers whenever you meet trails of various kinds, 

for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, 

not lacking anything.

But every suffering? Ouch. This is a hard thing to wrestle with... but I am sitting here thinking only of my pain again. Maybe if I step aside and look at this from a God-ward perceptive. 

     I started thinking about all this because I'm reading through Exodus and this book call Redemption by Mike Wilkerson.  In the book it talks about life in Christ and His redemption with Exodus story interlooping through out each chapter. 

 I've honestly been enjoying the book of Exodus better with my journal and jotting down anything that pops out at me or silly comments I have for God's ears only. All my question came out of the ten plagues chapters. In Exodus chapter 10: 2 God tells Aaron and Moses that He has harden Pharaoh's heart so that they may tell their children and grandchildren of the great miracles of the Lord and that they would know that He is the Lord. Which when I read that part it made my heart explode with thankfulness for the ten plagues because while reading about them and Pharaoh I to am assured that God is the one true God. I too am encouraged to follow the God of the Bible. 

     So lets look at the suffering question again. Does God allow suffering to show His power and might through healing? All suffering? Yes, and I think yes.

     I say yes because I know that through the suffering of others and my own I've been lead to believe that God is great, not because the suffering was terrible - no that is cause that I always will struggle and doubt about God's kindness - but the redemption and healing I've seen in others and in my own life yes, God uses suffering and healing to show His might and glory. All suffering? I think so. I could be wrong. But considering Revelation 21: 1-8 that one day Jesus will return and there will be a new heaven and earth and He is making all things new. As well as considering the cross of Christ - the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body -  all that that entails, I think I'm going to conclude that yes all suffering can an ultimately will show off the glory and might of God. 

    And the suffering of unbelievers in Christ what of it? Yes, that too can show us the might and glory of God. Look at the life of Samson or any dictator you want or anyone who has harmed you that hasn't repented. How much greater do they reveal God to be because of the stark differences. Because when I find myself asking how could anyone do such evil, why didn't anyone stop him these questions getting me look for Someone bigger, Someone stronger to right the wrong. Though in this life the wrong may not seem righted it's not mine to revenge. The evil of others whether they turn from their ways or not is for me to give to God. Jesus will deal with them. I need to trust them to Him and walk in His light of forgiveness and healing.

This is a lot I know. and I know that in future far or near I will wrestle with it again. but that's a good thing.

"Never Have I ever..."

     Have you ever played Never Have I Ever with a large group of ppl? I have. my Jesus family (Midtown Fellowship) likes to play that game on family vacations. I was just at a family meeting tonight and lots of things were shared and tons more laughed about, there were some tears too. Afterward driving around I was processing some of it and just wanted to go back to that full building and play Never Have I Ever with that bunch.
     Here's something that, had I said it when I first played with them (at Camp Bob Cooper) wouldn't have been true then, but now (if sitting down) I would have to jump up to find a new chair: Never have I ever known God's sweet love, His current will, and cape of approval on my life. And Never Have I Ever upon hearing about a friend leaving had the reaction of "YEAH! That's so great! Go! oh wait you're leaving, I'm gonna cry now. but yay!"

if you don't know how to play Never Have I Ever 1. you probably don't go to Midtown, 2. you're probably confused right now, and 3. just take the phrase "Never have i ever" off of the my statements and you got where i'm at right now. :) still confused? it's okay... i'm writing late at night.

I'm so excited about how God is leading and loving on my Jesus family right now...this year. I'm so blessed and encouraged by God's clear hand in my life and those around me. I'm so thankful that God has put me here for now. So thankful to find that the God of the Bible times still delights in His people. He delights in us ya'll!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pde89qbpII

Thank You Baba God

Thank You God for the good days, the hard days, the tearful days, the pain from deaths but most of all thank You that through all things You are good. Thank You for the blessings of change, for friends and new kind of family. Thank You for He Holy Spirit and Your kind of comfort. Thank You that 'He's not fair when He fixes what's beyond repair' -(Kendall Payne's song aslan). Thank You for snuggles when i don't deserve it. Thank You for Jesus dying on the cross for my sins the ones pple see but often and most for the ones pple don't see and pass over because "everybody does that" or "you may struggle with that forever, get use to it", Thank You that You don't become okay with my sins and breaking Your heart over and over every day just because I give up on myself. Thank You Baba that Jesus lived a perfect life and live with a crazy family that thought He was ridiculous, thank You sweet Holy Spirit that You get me. You understand. Thank You that You know what's just around the bend in my life and Your ready! Yeah! You got this one covered. I don't need to worry. I need to trust and walk with You through this life. (happy sigh) Thank You Baba for this life. Thank You for the lives of my friends and those that I will meet in the future. I'm quietly excited about this life ahead but so unsure of myself, but sure of You. I'm glad You never leave and You are really good.
Thank You for being good.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a2iVwURb14