Looking for something to fill me
something to chill me
someone to love me
but all I can find is You

Looking for a way to run
hiding is my favorite rum
I need someone to hold me
but there's only You

I know this doesn't  rhyme
That four lines won't cut it
I just want to be perfect
but that's only You

love doesn't come best from a broken man
peace won't come in the form of my control
perfect love, real live peace come slow and steady
come only from Your grace

like a peaceful rain
like the morning sun
day by day enough grace for this day, this time today
these blessing from Your hands

So hold me Lord, like I'm longing for
fill my wondering heart
calm my worries and fill me up with truth
pull me out of myself and into You

Come purify my mind
come wash me clean
teach me Your ways
let me love again like You

Here are my hands
Here is my heart
Here are my distractions
I want to be completely undone in You

Pit falls will come again
bring more repentance once again
create in me a new love, new thirst for Your Word
Create in me a heart like Yours.

A Beautiful Dream

     My sweet Father God gave me this beautiful dream yesterday morning and I just wanted to share it so that I won't forget it.

 

I dreamed was getting married, it was the day of my wedding. My sister was helping me put on my dress when I started to cry and be afraid. So I texted a trusted friend something like "I'm scared and I don't want to marry this man because he doesn't love Jesus! He's a great guy but he doesn't, he just doesn't. What do i do? Everything's set up."

Herr reply "Run awaaaaaaaaaaaay! Run! God will take care of you."

So i did. I ran out of the dressing room in my beautiful dress, out the church doors, into a beautiful 1700 style town, down the dirt road through town cry "I just can't marry him, I hope my friends and family understand that I gotta love Jesus and my husband does too."

At the end of the dream I was playing with the small children of the town and they started to shout "He's coming! He's coming! The man  who loves Jesus and you is coming! Lets watch for him!"

So we did. We climbed the bell tower in the the middle of town where we watched and waited for someone who was approaching - he wasn't as handsome as the one I'd run away from but he loved Jesus and me. He was a worthy man and I knew I'd be happy with him.

I woke up talking to God like He was right next to me, knowing that He loves me.

    

    While I was waking I was reminded that God has asked me to simply wait for His best for me. His best for me might not be marriage it might be a different life then I ever anticipated, it could be marriage and if it is I don't need to dream up or tell God who I think would be fun but to wait because God knows what is best for His daughter. As Driscole says in his Redeeming Ruth series marry a legacy not a good time. 

Just Obey

Okay, i'm going to pretend that you, Oh my reader, did not read my last post. something about this post idea and the last is making feel really silly-girly-whirly shallow. 

K, so i've been having a crush on this guy (we'll call him Boy)  and just thinking crazy thoughts and dreams and those thoughts of "oh, if only he would say this or did that... or if we could really have a good friendship then I'd be the happiest girl in the world forever, i' mean of course we'd have problems but we'd work them out with Jesus and forgive and we'd be the happiest..."

I realized pretty quickly that I've been idolizing Boy and "our relationship potential". That's not okay with Jesus my Savior so I started praying "God will you please crush my crush? Will You please get Boy a girlfriend, like today? Because if he had a girlfriend... "

"If you would just obey Me then I wouldn't have find Boy a girlfriend."

"But wouldn't that be so much easier? I mean You're God. You can do anything. You can get him a girlfriend fast. And besides that's how You crushed my last few crushes... they started dating and I felt hurt but now I'm not crushing on them am I?"

"If you would just obey Me then  this would be so much easier for All of us."

"What do You mean obey You? Oh. You mean be emotionally present and realize that where ever I am that's what's happening in my life right now? You mean trust You to do as is good for all You're creation and be present."

When I started practicing being present all these different thoughts came up trying to get me back into daydreaming about Boy and were successful until... I stopped and started thinking about things I know God has called me too. I had this shocking realization slap me in the face.

Even if I found Mr. Future Husband Man today, God has clearing given me some things to do in the next few years that if I don't do them I'm flat out rebelling against God. 

Even if I marry the hottest man of prayer on the earth I am still responsible for keeping up my relationship with Jesus and obeying His callings on my life.

When I refuse to obey I'm trading God's peace for something I think will be better. When I disobey I miss daily blessings and sweet time with my Holy Savior.

 

Beauty is a Steeple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51fQIiHlu8Q

I'm reading a really good book currently entitled When People are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch

the first half of the book was about things we fear and had self examining questions for why we fear those things or people. one awesome thing I read in this book is that when I fear some one say I'm terrified of men because they might abuse me, what I'm believing when I live in that fear is that men are stronger and more powerful then God Himself. I'm worshiping a creature and bowing to man's wants and thoughts of me instead of being sure that God who created man is still stronger and His thoughts and wants for me are loving. 

okay, so the first part was about fears not the part I'm reading currently is about fear of the Lord. See the idea is that when my fear of the Lord is rightly placed my other fears will either disappear or also be place underneath the fear of the Lord. 

Now to talk about my title *hehe i'm so excited!*

"Make sure you keep your eyes sett on the Holy One.Whether the subject is the Grand canyon or the Ten Commandments,these inspire awe because they are an expression of the holy character of God."

E.T. Welch pg111

Okay so the beauty is like a church steeple that makes up look up! Look up to the heavens to remind us to look to God. I was reading Welch's book at a park near my house yesterday and while walking home I was overwhelmed with the beauty all around me. Surely God is great and makes incredibly beautiful landscapes and houses! He made beautiful songs for the birds to sing and fuzzy tails for squirrels and then something else hit me and made me giggle with joy! A handsome young man recently bought the house next door, he is the most handsome of men I've ever encountered... just think! That new neighbor of mine, he's beautiful appearance steeples the holy character of God! (laughter in my soul!) Only a holy, holy, holy God could create such a being. Only a holy, holy, holy God could create such a lovely world! Only a holy, holy, holy God could write such a good set of laws. 

I was having some Jesus time this morning, reading a study on the life of David. I read 1 Chronicles 29:10-20 and then was asked to list what I'd learned about who God is from this reading. Here's the verse that stuck out most to me.

Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. 1 Chronicles 29:12

Our riches and honor come from God. These are beautiful thing, which steeple the holy character of God.

God rules over all. This is a beautiful thing that points to the holy character of God.

In God's hand is power and might! These are great things and i'm sooooooooo grateful for His power and might! They steeply and point me to His holy, holy, holy, character.

It lies in God's hand to make great and to strengthen everyone! Is this not encouragement? is this not something that makes your heart want to dance?

I've been thinking a lot about that handsome boy next door and even my reading this morning brought me back to put he's being back into a God loving perceptive. Boy is handsome and kind but it's God who gives him what I think is great because in God's hand is riches and honor, to make great and to strengthen. So, Self, praise and worship the Creator who has blessed me with countless reminders of His great and holy character. 

 Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. 1 Chronicles 29:12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51fQIiHlu8Q

What do I do after I freak out?

K, do you guys ever have days where you freak completely out about something that's way off in the future or something that you don't even know will happen? cause I do. That happened to me this weekend. Yeah, so I was stuck at home this weekend with a bad cold which means I was extra sleepy (pron to more worry right? anybody hear me on that?) Okay well, I received a book in the mail that I had order When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey, I started reading it when out of what seemed like no where all these questions and statements started popping up. "Why are you read that? Oh you really think you're going to marry a good man do you? Why do you deserve a good man, look where you've come from! You're parents marriage was a mess! That was your only example, do you really think you can have a good marriage if your example was so bad? Tough luck, you'll never make it! You're screwed, just put the book down."

I did put the book down Friday night and cried and had a fitful sleep.

Saturday I tried again, same thing over again, same questions and accusations only this time they seemed louder and multiplied. I texted a friend and a pastor just a "Hey I have a big heavy question don't know who to talk to" deal. My friend called me and you know what she told me about, what we talked about that calmed me down? The gospel. Jesus. Community. Because of the gospel work that God did on the cross and how He is changing me and growing me through and deeper into the knowledge and love of the gospel and just my relationship with Him I don't have to fear that my marriage will be like my parents. Because of the Holy Spirit work in me, I don't have to make the same mistakes of my parents. I hope and pray that if I do get married it won't grow sour but even if it does the gospel of Jesus Christ is still true, God is still good, and the Holy Spirit is still at work. And if that weren't enough God has given me an extra blessing of a solid group of believers who if I'm dating a slees-bag will tell me quickly to drop him asap! 

So I'm okay. I can read When Sinner Say "I Do" because of the Holy Spirit and gospel change. I can live (and read) in faith that God is good and the gospel is still true for me, and will be in the future.

So I ended up not needing to talk to my pastor, just a friend. But I had told my pastor I was going to email him, so I just shot him a email of "hey this is what happened but I'm fine now because of Jesus" but now it's sunday night, I was sitting here worrying "oh gosh! I shouldn't have sent my pastor that email at all! He doesn't need to know especially since I'm fine now. aaaah, I wish there was a way to delete sent emails so that he doesn't get it cause totally he doesn't need too! I'm gonna die! He's gonna think I'm crazy! I just know he's gonna be reading my email thinking 'gosh, when is Vicki just gonna chill? When is she going to get it? When is she going to stop freaking out all the time?' Aaagh! *feelings of embarrassment* I'm such a crazy lady sometimes. eeewwww!"

    So what's that I do after I freak out? I freak out some more... about something else I can't control. 

Do I have the answer? Mmmm, no. But after church tonight I confessed to God that I was super anxious and right as I was telling God I don't know what to do about this, a thought came to mind: When I'm anxious, when I'm living in worry what does that preach to others that I believe about God in this circumstance? What am I tell others about God? What am I believing?

I'm believing that God's not in control

I'm believing that God's not good

I'm preaching that if there is a God He's not very big or strong 

I'm preaching if there is a God He really doesn't care about the details of my life

Mmmm. So do I really believe that when I stop all and think about it?

I do believe that God is good

that God is big and very strong

I struggle to believe that He cares even about my silly emails

and I do struggle to believe that He is really in control. of everything. all the time.

But here is something I know: I know that He has protected and provided for me in the past, from when I was born, to all the way through making me not coughing a lot in church tonight. I know that He is good and faithful. I know I can trust Him for today, tomorrow I can make plans for but freaking out and worrying about the out come of those plans and the reactions of my friends does me no good today. I can trust God to be loving and good today. I can let tomorrow worry about itself and my future worry about itself. And my future possible marriage to FutureMan? Well... that's many many tomorrow's away, it can worry about itself. I want to be able to trust God to be good and in control for the present day, thanks!

New hands

I have things to say. Things to share. Things I've done but tonight I'm just tired and trying to hide from the One Friend that really cares because He doesn't do for me everything I want... that's just silly I know. But for some reason being in my own little bad mood is my thing tonight. I think my problem is mostly that I don't want to give up and cry about the things that are bothering me and let Jesus handle them or teach me what to do with them. I'm trying to hold on real tight and saying "I can do it myself, thanks. I GOT this! OkAaaaaaaaaaay?!! For real leave me alone!"

But sitting here typing this is reminding me of something else realized a week or so ago...

When I was young I use to go swing in the back yard to get away... I swung so much that my palms were callused hard and rough, as well as discolored by the rusty chains. But now I'm twenty-six and my palms are soft, smooth, and white. Which made me think of how I use to run away from pain and sorrow into my dream world to be filled with happiness and acceptance. But as the years came and went the happy place became a danger to my relationship with my Daddy God. Him and me grew deep as the old habit grew to  hinder more then help; my old stompin grounds of wild imaginings of anywhere but here, where I'm the center of the story and the main character or where the hero always picked me to be by his side was wasting me and pulling me far from Him.

But what? What's that Lord? You are the hero every time? You're the real center of my story and I'm just a breath? What? Naaa-huuu-uh! What? I'm sitting here fighting You, and yet You're asking me, pursuing me, to be by Your side? I'd love to but that means I can't be the center. I'd love to but that means that when I ache I have to come to You and give You my everything. NO! I can't do that! How will I live with nothing to control? Nothing to hang on to? No power. Nothing familiar to hang on too. Is there another way to be free and have a that deep relationship with Jesus? No, no, no, Lord! I will hang tight to these chains! I will continue in my ways and live with rough, discolored callused hands. Not feeling pain or frustration has to be the way, right?...

Beloved. Beloved. Beloved. What are you seeking in that habit you've chased? What do you need most of all things? Is it helping? Are you at peace? Come sit by Me, come rest and drink deeply of My love. Beloved, come home. Daughter, I loved you first, I love you most, I love you best. Beloved daughter come rest by my side. You don't have to be what they demand. I made you the way you are for a purpose, put that down, I love you the way I made you. Beloved come quickly. 

When I sit by Daddy God's side He heals me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. Nothing can ever change that. When I brought my sorrows to Him, He didn't stop the sting of the pain He taught me how to see  Him through it. He opened my eyes to the hope that radiates from His very nature. When I turn and run to that old habit I can feel He's sadness and silences  as He lets me go. I hear Him calling me back to Himself. Asking, was I not good to you beloved? Am I not still good? Look down at your hands dear child and tell me what you see.

Oh Daddy! My hands are soft and white but Yours are now rough and hard...and blood... blood! Why is there blood on Your hands? That should be mine! That's mine! Stop You can't take that from me, I can't repay You! I don't know how to live Your way! You'll have to teach me, is that okay? Is that okay? Tell me why You have my bloodied rough hands.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2043:16%20-%2044:8&version=NIV1984

Jesus died for me. He saw me in my Egypt and brought me out to the desert. He redeemed and restores my soul for His name sake(ps23). He gives oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS Splendor (Isaiah 61:3). For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteous, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. (Isaiah 61:10-11)

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your Name (ps 86:11)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%2017:20-25&version=NIV1984

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James1:2-6

My life is about His glory. When I lay my control down He makes me beautiful, when I pick my controlling habits back up I make myself rough, hard, and discolored. I love because He first loved me and gave Himself up for me. That's why I can now have soft hands. I am loved and accepted by Daddy God, and like a loving faithful Father, His is teaching me how to live without my every things. I'm being transformed. *happy sigh* Transforming because He frees and redeems.

Hard Day with a Shinning Hope

     Today was a hard day. I've been overly worrisome since Sunday mainly over what does this person think of me or that person? And what kind of impression do i make on people? Is a good? Am I too honest? Do I talk too much? Are all those things people said of me all those years ago true? While all these question rattled around in my brain more appeared. Why are some people mean? Why didn't they have people who loved Jesus around them? Why doesn't God save everybody? If He did wouldn't we all be happier and there wouldn't be so much pain in the world? God? Why not? Are You mean? It's so unfair!

     Vicki, dear. Do you really want God to be fair with you? Do you really want God to be just with you?

     Uh... no, thanks. If I don't sin anymore for the rest of my life starting now, and God was just, I'd still burn in Hell forever. Or if we took my best day for God to be just and forget all the rest... nah, I'd still go to hell. So, God? Why did You save me?  Thank You. Really? Me, God? You sent Jesus to die for me? Don't you know who I am? Thank You. I don't know what to say. I don't have words.

     Anxious thoughts halted for some minutes. I wish I could tell you I stayed still for the rest of the work day, but they didn't. But still when I stop and think of all the people on earth and how few will be in Heaven with Jesus, I wonder why? Why me? Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful but wow! God of the universe picked me. Ridiculously good.