I need YOU

(wrote this one morning, thought I'd share)

I need You, God, I need You

Come near and hold me in Your endless embrace

Come kiss me in Your passion, please don't break!

When I'm in my cube my thoughts run fast

Fast from You and all You can do

To a man who will be ever always true,

But what can man do to me?

What can man do for me?

We're each  like a gran of sand

Along the shoreline that washes away

Where can I go from Your Spirit Lord

How do I fly without Your presences and grace? 

I need You, I need You, I need You, God.

Today.

 I need You.

I know I'm about to stray,

I know I'm about to disobey,

Again and again I will apologize and ask for grace

But Lord!

I'm about to struggle again!

Today.

I'm about to go to battle

Must I get slaughtered again?

These lust and passions they ruled over me again.

Teach me to watch and wait.

Just watch and wait.

But Lord!

Come fast! Come steady. Come stay by my side.

My thoughts turn fast to trust in man

My idols wax and wane

But it's always just some dude

who ain't You!

He ain't even got a clue!

He can't come near when my life is undone,

He's not here when I need'im cause he just!

Not You.

COME ON! LORD! 

I NEED YOU, I NEED YOU, I DO!

I need You to break this chain

this emotional wall

That keeps me outside of this life's realities

Bring shouts of victory to my lips oh Lord.

These tears in my eyes fear this will never go away,

Will I never be free?

But bring Your armies, Lord,

Send Your Spirit sharp into my veins

Break down this fortress

Destroy these walls!

For You God!

For our relationship's sake!

Bring glory and fame to Your name

From my sins, from my mind's escape.

Pleeeese, Lord, Pleeease

I'm disgusted with myself

I need Your presences

I need Your embrace

I need your grace.

"The Lord is with me

I will not be afraid,

The Lord is with me

He is my helper"

I will take refuge in my God

and not in any man

I will take refuge in my Lord

Not in a strong or attractive man.

No, no!

I was pushed back going to fall

but it was the Lord who helped

The Lord is my strength and my song

He has become my salvation

You are my God!

I need you!

I will give You thanks

You are my God

I will exalt You.

I need You.

"I will give thanks to the Lord for He is good

His love endures forever."

His embrace endures for a life time.

I need You today.

Create a new praise to You in me.

Keep my mind and heart pure today.

God, I need You today.

Being Changed ...a "But God" story

I have no idea what to title this post. Maybe something about how faithful God is, or Him being the best Dad in the whole biz but whatev.

I've just been thinking in recent weeks that my life is frustrating because I don't know how to be friends with single guys my age and that's really frustrating and annoying and sheesh how will I ever get married to an awesome Jesus loving, man of prayer if I don't know how to just be friends with one? 

[My lack of male friendship goes back to this terror I had of men (from issues that won't be disclosed here). Last summer I remember still being so afraid of men - even ones I knew would not harm me - that when I talked to them I'd start shaking uncontrollably, fear permeated my being. That started when I was supper young and continued through this past fall. But God. ( don't you just love those two words? or these "yet God"?) (ah-ha! I've thought up a title!) But God took my fears which were lies and knocked'em silly. The lies were on the track of what my identity as a woman. When Holy Spirit whistled through my veins smashing chains of lies that bound me. Giving me a assurance of what He did not think of me and what He does think of me, He gave me an assurance that I am His beloved daughter, I am complete in Christ, and just that I am IN Christ. There defined. None of this silly nonsense about he said, she said, nor he did this or she did that.]

So in light of the above paragraph me having male friendship has been out of the question, however, friendship with married men was different because friendship came more naturally as I was friends with their wives and would learn to trust more readily with their sweet wives standing by. Right so anyways, I guess I can't complain too loudly of not knowing how to be friends with single guys because of all of the above, however I forget these things about who I was and get frustrated about who I'm not now.

Well on with my story. So there's this dude right? And "awe man! he's single, but hooray he's handsome and single" but "oh nooooooooooooo! how are we ever going to be friends? He's single!" So I did what every natural sinner would do... as soon as I saw this man I let God know "I got this one God! I can handle this! We're going to be friends in no time and You don't even need to help, just be there to listen to my exciting stories okay? Thanks." Throughout the embarrassing process of having a crush on this handsome stranger God continued to call me His beloved, continued to teach me one patient fatherly lesson after another. I know these lessons aren't half over yet considering I will most likely see this stranger for many more months to come, but I think God got one very important lesson through to me last night. There was something I had promised to invite this stranger to next time my friends&I went but with my frustrations in toe, and old fears cropping up I had become afraid to invite him. Throughout the day I worried over the invite and prayed God would make it easy for me. When I finally made it home from work the handsome stranger was nowhere in sight, a cause of worry for me. So yet again here I was going "okay, God I got this! I just need to run outside a lot and be out there and be prepared just in case I see him. But I got this God, okay? I got this!" (I bet I sound really stocker-ish don't I? Sorry Handsome Stranger!) I had no luck. Did not see the man. A friend invited me to dinner and we went out (and had a blast). I prayed during dinner for God to help me, pleeeeeeeeeeeassssssse! I wanted to keep my promise but didn't know how too. Well guess who was outside when my friend dropped me off? Yep you guessed it.

But before I tell you the end. there's this other really important detail that I haven't mentioned. You see when God is hotly pursuing you He often gets through and makes you think more of Him then you naturally would and makes you in awe of His love for you. So a mist my frustrations God was making me adore Him and focus back my attentions on His loveliness. When one is focused most on God all other lovely things are no comparison. Everything else is just like "oh. nice. So anyways! Yes Lord!?!"

End of the story: Handsome Stranger was out in his yard (gosh i do sound creepy! creepy neighbor! nobody move in next to me!) and of course I got nervous, but remember that I have God with me. Two things were quickly noted 1. God made it really easy for me to invite him, answered prayer. 2. Wait... I thought he was more handsome then that! 

Thanks God!

and ps no he isn't coming he had other plans. :)

Thanks God, You are really good at being God and the lesson? I need help with evvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerything! And God is jealous to be in control of my life and goings one. Got it God, You got this. Right, thanks!

Not. Worth. Shit.

I was thinking tonight while thinking serious thoughts that there is something I wish I could tell my neighbor when God pulled a fast one on me and turned it around. Here's the story.

Me thinks: He is an extremely handsome, has an awesome car and for pete's sake he got to buy a HOUSE! Lucky dog! Yet in comparison these things fade fast and aren't worth shit in comparison with the loving relationship he has with he's Dad. Appearances, fast cars nor a house are worth a lick in light of the fact that he has a loving Dad who is still alive and wants to be part of his life. A dad that speaks well of his own wife. Amazing. Do you know how rare it is to see a father and son enjoy each other? Wow. so amazing. 

Yes, I will admit that i think my neighbor is handsome but I'd like to be a relative more then anything... just to have a father that cared about me and things I think are exciting, to help me through life, and to (now that I'm older) be a friend. Having expensive things and good looks aren't worth shit in comparison to having a loving father.

Enter God.

Vicki, your duplex, car, job, friends, idols aren't worth shit in comparison to the gift of having relationship with your Heavenly Father God. Your brightest hopes and dreams, your best  achievements, your relationship statues and abilities aren't worth shit in comparison to the beauty and grander of your relationship with Jesus.There's so much more growth to come in my Baba God relationship, my stuff? 

Not. Worth. Shit. 

is there ever a memory that catches you off guard
a thought that makes you cry
a date that you wish to never come again

what do you do
do you cry or brace
pretend you don't remember

will it help to process
will it help to cry
does making a good plan work

i don't like those memories
i don't like crying
i don't like those dates

i know they come
i know crying would help
i know i must continue to live day by day

stuffing doesn't help. it makes them worse
bracing and biting back the tears makes you bitter not better
avoiding increases darkness

My Gomor Days, God's Hosea Ways...

     I have "Gomor days" and as I walk out on God He provides food and clothing. I fly after my lovers thinking "Oh! You provide so well for me dearest to me of idols!" And in return I find myself naked and bruised in the town square for sale as a less wanted slave when God comes and clothes me whispering love in my ears "Come home, I love you. You are My beloved bride. I will hold you again as mine, I will kiss you again like you never left. You are Mine and I am yours. Come, I will take you home with Me and heal your deep wounds again, forgive you this painful mess against Me again, and we will make love together. Not because I am angry or to get revenge, I will not handle you that way. I will be with you intimately again, even though you have gone out our door and loved another the one way, the ultimate way, you were only meant for Me. I know what is best for you, I have it for you already. What you need is with Me, at our home without your lousy lovers. Will you come willingly for Me to love? Will you love Me? Repent. Come home."

     

Looking for something to fill me
something to chill me
someone to love me
but all I can find is You

Looking for a way to run
hiding is my favorite rum
I need someone to hold me
but there's only You

I know this doesn't  rhyme
That four lines won't cut it
I just want to be perfect
but that's only You

love doesn't come best from a broken man
peace won't come in the form of my control
perfect love, real live peace come slow and steady
come only from Your grace

like a peaceful rain
like the morning sun
day by day enough grace for this day, this time today
these blessing from Your hands

So hold me Lord, like I'm longing for
fill my wondering heart
calm my worries and fill me up with truth
pull me out of myself and into You

Come purify my mind
come wash me clean
teach me Your ways
let me love again like You

Here are my hands
Here is my heart
Here are my distractions
I want to be completely undone in You

Pit falls will come again
bring more repentance once again
create in me a new love, new thirst for Your Word
Create in me a heart like Yours.

A Beautiful Dream

     My sweet Father God gave me this beautiful dream yesterday morning and I just wanted to share it so that I won't forget it.

 

I dreamed was getting married, it was the day of my wedding. My sister was helping me put on my dress when I started to cry and be afraid. So I texted a trusted friend something like "I'm scared and I don't want to marry this man because he doesn't love Jesus! He's a great guy but he doesn't, he just doesn't. What do i do? Everything's set up."

Herr reply "Run awaaaaaaaaaaaay! Run! God will take care of you."

So i did. I ran out of the dressing room in my beautiful dress, out the church doors, into a beautiful 1700 style town, down the dirt road through town cry "I just can't marry him, I hope my friends and family understand that I gotta love Jesus and my husband does too."

At the end of the dream I was playing with the small children of the town and they started to shout "He's coming! He's coming! The man  who loves Jesus and you is coming! Lets watch for him!"

So we did. We climbed the bell tower in the the middle of town where we watched and waited for someone who was approaching - he wasn't as handsome as the one I'd run away from but he loved Jesus and me. He was a worthy man and I knew I'd be happy with him.

I woke up talking to God like He was right next to me, knowing that He loves me.

    

    While I was waking I was reminded that God has asked me to simply wait for His best for me. His best for me might not be marriage it might be a different life then I ever anticipated, it could be marriage and if it is I don't need to dream up or tell God who I think would be fun but to wait because God knows what is best for His daughter. As Driscole says in his Redeeming Ruth series marry a legacy not a good time.