Halloween at the Hansen's

Yesterday I was reminiscing Dad being alive and traditions that my family had. One such tradition was that of Halloween! :) on Halloween we didn't go Trick-or-Treating, or dress up. We would close up the house, turn out all the lights except the kitchen light and make it look like we weren't home so the Trick-or-Treater would stay away. Ha! Dinner would be super normal and then we'd get the dishes done so the fun could begin. Ma would make homemade doughnuts and hot apple cider! Mmmm! So tasty and warm! As we ate and drank our share we sat around the kitchen telling jokes, funny stories, and sometimes pull out the card games. I have very fond memories of Halloween. I miss those cozy nights with the fam. 

I guess that was Ma&Dad's idea of keeping the kids safe and making the night special so when our friends talked about Halloween we didn't feel left out. It was great idea and I sure enjoyed it!

I was feeling all sorry for myself because I don't have any fun Halloween party to go to this year, nor do I have any fun tradition of my own. But I guess it goes without saying that when we grow up and move out on our own we have to create "new normal's". So now that I'm an adult what is my new normal for Halloween? Well... here's something that I guess for me is a new tradition, at my job they let us dress up! :) Every year excepting one I have dressed up as a princess. Every year I freeze on my way out to my car just so I can have a little fun! I enjoy going around telling everyone "I'm a princess!" and seeing the different characters that show up to work every year! This year is no exception to the rule, in a few hours I will dawn an old brides maids dress and crystal necklace as a crown and freeze on my way to work smiling at my girlishness and enjoy the day! 

A Prayer for Rain

God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we expect. He doesn't always do just what we ask.

I've been praying for it to rain in Columbia on September 19, 12 for about a month because rain makes me smile and remember that God made that rain, God loves me, but I also love the rain because it leaves water puddles all along my street which I quiet enjoy splashing in like a little girl because doing so makes me feel beautiful in that I'm splashing with my Father God who made me to be me and not anybody else. 

I was praying for rain on this day because 2 years ago Dad passed away... I wanted to be sure today that Jesus loves me. To be sure of God's faithfulness.

Well it rained most of Monday and Tuesday and there were plenty of beautiful puddles to run through the last two nights (of course I did! and discovered new ones! Sweet!) While I drove sleepy eyed to work this morning I admired beautiful clouds and the sun rise. The weather has been gorgeous today! And the sky? The most beautiful and comforting/peaceful blue.

At lunch time I was sitting outside enjoying the weather remembering my request when it hit me that God didn't give me rain, but wait! That's probably a good thing maybe rain would have made Ma sad today. Maybe somebody is having a hard time and just really needed to be blessed with a gorgeous sunshiny day?!

I guess what I'm saying is that there are things I didn't think about when I was praying for what I thought would be best for me. 

I forgot about others, and their needs

I forgot that God does all things well, even when I don't understand

That God knows what I need 

Which brings me back to why I wanted rain. My Dad wasn't one of those "I love you's" all the time dad's, in fact I heard that rarely from him. What I received most from him was a rejection... I thought well if it rains on the 19th then I'll know for sure that God loves me. Silly Vicki. No, Honey, God loves you all the time. Rain or shine, dark or light. Loving daddy's don't give their children everything they ask for (that's called spoiling) they give them what they need and yep sometimes we get what we want, but it's a special thing called a gift.

I could go crazy analyzing why my Dad wasn't the best in the world and what could have made him a better Dad. I could get angry and grow bitter about who he was or wasn't and I could shake my fists at God screaming I deserve better! I'm not about to say that the pain inflected by my Dad was good or okay because it just wasn't, but I do just want to say that God does knows what I need. I've never been without something I truly needed. God is good, His heart is loving, His ways fulfill His glory, He has a plan for His beloved children.  

I don't understand every trail I've walked through, I don't understand why good prayers don't get the result we ask for, I don't have a point system of "well if you go through this much suffering you'll get this or will grow this much..." or "well, if this happened to you then this is why you went through it or this is what happened". Nope, sorry I don't have those kinds of answers. I only know from James 1 that God uses trails and suffering to mature us in our faith in Him. I know by reading Psalms, Isaiah, and Joel that God doesn't look the other way when we suffer. When life just sucks He's not ignoring you, He's carrying His own in His strong and gentle embrace. When we are weak He is strong. 

God is an all knowing, all powerful, loving disciplinary Daddy. A lot in my life I have gotten mad at Him asking why me? Why this hardship? Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions, maybe I'm focused on the wrong thing. Instead of looking at my circumstances maybe I oughta just trust that God is my loving Daddy and cry in His arms when it hurts. Maybe I should ask what is God teaching and training me in? Maybe instead of hugging my busted pride I oughta open my hands praying "Daddy? Here are my aches, painful sufferings, here are my tears, how can You use them as encouragement in someone else's life?"

...there is a friend that sticks closer then a brother. prov. 18:24b

just a fav of mine currently is psalm 147 (esp.10-11) ;)

Ab's and Idiots

      I just wanted to say that today God convicted me of some major stuff. Some real life sin was revealed and I felt like such an idiot when I saw what I've been doing. It was like God was like "Honey, I love you. There's hope for change in Me from this and if you don't come back your totally an idiot. Come here." God guilt shows you what your doing wrong and at the same time gives you peace so that you can be changed in Him.

      Then later in the day I was praying about a situation where I don't know how to love someone because "I never do that" but God pointed out to me that I do "that" it just looks different because I label it differently. Because I hide it better. I may look okay on the outside but on the inside, I'm doing the very same thing I don't know how to deal with... but I do. Because God has already given me the tools I need to walk forward trusting Him. The thing is I need to trust and obey.

      Lastly. I went to Water Aerobic's Class tonight after work with my sad face about my idiotiness and learned to laugh at myself once again while running around the pool with strangers. My arms and ab's are so sore! But I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have sore muscles they'd be flabby and that's not healthy. I'm pretty sure that if God didn't convict me of sin I'd be, well, I wouldn't be His. I wouldn't care about anybody and I'd be you know more out of shape in every way. Exercise and convictions are good things... they keep us alive and well.

Here's the Party

One day while packing up to leave work I sent myself an email for the next days jobs that reminded me to stay focused... it said something like "the party is right here in your chair so live it!"

When I was a small kid, I remember my siblings would come home from college, they would stay up late into the night talking and as the youngster that I was it didn't seem fair to me that they got to stay up and "party" while I had to sleep. So I'd leave my bed and go hang out until they'd send me back to bed in 10 seconds flat. Then I'd whine about how "come you get to stay up late and have all the fun?" they would say when your older you can stay up with us and we'll have lots of fun, but go to bed now so we can have fun tomorrow. I'd go to bed mad because I wanted to stay up too! Seems like I'm still that small kid. I can wait to be or have something somebody else has, or I can't wait to be just passed the bend in the road. But you know what? As grown ups we look at kids and say they don't know how good they got it! Enjoy your childhood. So. VickiH, I know I'm talking to myself here and you're going to fail at this but just try for your future self to enjoy being 26. Enjoy working in the office and feeling like you have no money and no life. You got it good. Stop daydreaming about the future or even what you'll do later this day or tomorrow. The party is happening right here... right now. Welcome to the party! Welcome to your life. Party and live it up. Precious, precious moments you'll never get back.

I need YOU

(wrote this one morning, thought I'd share)

I need You, God, I need You

Come near and hold me in Your endless embrace

Come kiss me in Your passion, please don't break!

When I'm in my cube my thoughts run fast

Fast from You and all You can do

To a man who will be ever always true,

But what can man do to me?

What can man do for me?

We're each  like a gran of sand

Along the shoreline that washes away

Where can I go from Your Spirit Lord

How do I fly without Your presences and grace? 

I need You, I need You, I need You, God.

Today.

 I need You.

I know I'm about to stray,

I know I'm about to disobey,

Again and again I will apologize and ask for grace

But Lord!

I'm about to struggle again!

Today.

I'm about to go to battle

Must I get slaughtered again?

These lust and passions they ruled over me again.

Teach me to watch and wait.

Just watch and wait.

But Lord!

Come fast! Come steady. Come stay by my side.

My thoughts turn fast to trust in man

My idols wax and wane

But it's always just some dude

who ain't You!

He ain't even got a clue!

He can't come near when my life is undone,

He's not here when I need'im cause he just!

Not You.

COME ON! LORD! 

I NEED YOU, I NEED YOU, I DO!

I need You to break this chain

this emotional wall

That keeps me outside of this life's realities

Bring shouts of victory to my lips oh Lord.

These tears in my eyes fear this will never go away,

Will I never be free?

But bring Your armies, Lord,

Send Your Spirit sharp into my veins

Break down this fortress

Destroy these walls!

For You God!

For our relationship's sake!

Bring glory and fame to Your name

From my sins, from my mind's escape.

Pleeeese, Lord, Pleeease

I'm disgusted with myself

I need Your presences

I need Your embrace

I need your grace.

"The Lord is with me

I will not be afraid,

The Lord is with me

He is my helper"

I will take refuge in my God

and not in any man

I will take refuge in my Lord

Not in a strong or attractive man.

No, no!

I was pushed back going to fall

but it was the Lord who helped

The Lord is my strength and my song

He has become my salvation

You are my God!

I need you!

I will give You thanks

You are my God

I will exalt You.

I need You.

"I will give thanks to the Lord for He is good

His love endures forever."

His embrace endures for a life time.

I need You today.

Create a new praise to You in me.

Keep my mind and heart pure today.

God, I need You today.

Being Changed ...a "But God" story

I have no idea what to title this post. Maybe something about how faithful God is, or Him being the best Dad in the whole biz but whatev.

I've just been thinking in recent weeks that my life is frustrating because I don't know how to be friends with single guys my age and that's really frustrating and annoying and sheesh how will I ever get married to an awesome Jesus loving, man of prayer if I don't know how to just be friends with one? 

[My lack of male friendship goes back to this terror I had of men (from issues that won't be disclosed here). Last summer I remember still being so afraid of men - even ones I knew would not harm me - that when I talked to them I'd start shaking uncontrollably, fear permeated my being. That started when I was supper young and continued through this past fall. But God. ( don't you just love those two words? or these "yet God"?) (ah-ha! I've thought up a title!) But God took my fears which were lies and knocked'em silly. The lies were on the track of what my identity as a woman. When Holy Spirit whistled through my veins smashing chains of lies that bound me. Giving me a assurance of what He did not think of me and what He does think of me, He gave me an assurance that I am His beloved daughter, I am complete in Christ, and just that I am IN Christ. There defined. None of this silly nonsense about he said, she said, nor he did this or she did that.]

So in light of the above paragraph me having male friendship has been out of the question, however, friendship with married men was different because friendship came more naturally as I was friends with their wives and would learn to trust more readily with their sweet wives standing by. Right so anyways, I guess I can't complain too loudly of not knowing how to be friends with single guys because of all of the above, however I forget these things about who I was and get frustrated about who I'm not now.

Well on with my story. So there's this dude right? And "awe man! he's single, but hooray he's handsome and single" but "oh nooooooooooooo! how are we ever going to be friends? He's single!" So I did what every natural sinner would do... as soon as I saw this man I let God know "I got this one God! I can handle this! We're going to be friends in no time and You don't even need to help, just be there to listen to my exciting stories okay? Thanks." Throughout the embarrassing process of having a crush on this handsome stranger God continued to call me His beloved, continued to teach me one patient fatherly lesson after another. I know these lessons aren't half over yet considering I will most likely see this stranger for many more months to come, but I think God got one very important lesson through to me last night. There was something I had promised to invite this stranger to next time my friends&I went but with my frustrations in toe, and old fears cropping up I had become afraid to invite him. Throughout the day I worried over the invite and prayed God would make it easy for me. When I finally made it home from work the handsome stranger was nowhere in sight, a cause of worry for me. So yet again here I was going "okay, God I got this! I just need to run outside a lot and be out there and be prepared just in case I see him. But I got this God, okay? I got this!" (I bet I sound really stocker-ish don't I? Sorry Handsome Stranger!) I had no luck. Did not see the man. A friend invited me to dinner and we went out (and had a blast). I prayed during dinner for God to help me, pleeeeeeeeeeeassssssse! I wanted to keep my promise but didn't know how too. Well guess who was outside when my friend dropped me off? Yep you guessed it.

But before I tell you the end. there's this other really important detail that I haven't mentioned. You see when God is hotly pursuing you He often gets through and makes you think more of Him then you naturally would and makes you in awe of His love for you. So a mist my frustrations God was making me adore Him and focus back my attentions on His loveliness. When one is focused most on God all other lovely things are no comparison. Everything else is just like "oh. nice. So anyways! Yes Lord!?!"

End of the story: Handsome Stranger was out in his yard (gosh i do sound creepy! creepy neighbor! nobody move in next to me!) and of course I got nervous, but remember that I have God with me. Two things were quickly noted 1. God made it really easy for me to invite him, answered prayer. 2. Wait... I thought he was more handsome then that! 

Thanks God!

and ps no he isn't coming he had other plans. :)

Thanks God, You are really good at being God and the lesson? I need help with evvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerything! And God is jealous to be in control of my life and goings one. Got it God, You got this. Right, thanks!

Not. Worth. Shit.

I was thinking tonight while thinking serious thoughts that there is something I wish I could tell my neighbor when God pulled a fast one on me and turned it around. Here's the story.

Me thinks: He is an extremely handsome, has an awesome car and for pete's sake he got to buy a HOUSE! Lucky dog! Yet in comparison these things fade fast and aren't worth shit in comparison with the loving relationship he has with he's Dad. Appearances, fast cars nor a house are worth a lick in light of the fact that he has a loving Dad who is still alive and wants to be part of his life. A dad that speaks well of his own wife. Amazing. Do you know how rare it is to see a father and son enjoy each other? Wow. so amazing. 

Yes, I will admit that i think my neighbor is handsome but I'd like to be a relative more then anything... just to have a father that cared about me and things I think are exciting, to help me through life, and to (now that I'm older) be a friend. Having expensive things and good looks aren't worth shit in comparison to having a loving father.

Enter God.

Vicki, your duplex, car, job, friends, idols aren't worth shit in comparison to the gift of having relationship with your Heavenly Father God. Your brightest hopes and dreams, your best  achievements, your relationship statues and abilities aren't worth shit in comparison to the beauty and grander of your relationship with Jesus.There's so much more growth to come in my Baba God relationship, my stuff? 

Not. Worth. Shit.