Dragging My Face In the Mud

I was driving home from work today crying to God.
I just feel like I've fallen flat out on my face
Flat in the mud.
All I can see is dark brown mud
and now I am sure with this gloom I'm annoying to be with
so nobody likes me
I need to do better but can't
I need to read scripture but don't know where to begin
I have all the answers right under my nose.
I'm sure.
but how to apply what's good and what's whole
I'm not sure.
My feelings tell me I'm the worse of the lot
That I should just sleep a lot
Maybe I'll sleep it off
The Enemy has come in faults guilt
to condemn my heart and my life
You terrible girl!
You talk too much!
Nobody cares what you think or say!
God doesn't love you anyway.
There's no way to fix your mouth
You've said too much
You've ruined God's plan for your life
with your endless chatter box mouth
about the things that you really have
no understanding of.

"But wait!"  a mouse voice shouts,
"When God convicts He doesn't condemn!"
Now louder with more confidence I can speak
to the lies.
"He points out my sins,
points out my guilt while holding out redemptive hope
He can change me!
He can mend!"
Repent! Oh, Sinner, repent!
But those devil lies? what of those?
They slapped ya down in the mud
and you stayed there too long
Thinking the Lord thought the same
as the Enemy.
But No! No, no!
The Lord strong and mighty can pick you
up out the mud, into His grace and into His light.
Jesus Christ is the same today as He was yesterday.
He loved me yesterday, He loves me today!
My feelings don't change Him.
Satan's lies don't break Him.
When I come back to His truth
He sets me free from the law of sin and death
He puts His confidence back in me
sets me on His firm foundation
And reminds me of who I am in Christ.
I don't have to stay in the mud hole
with my gloomy feelings
or Satan's lies.

Romans 8; Hebrews 13:8; Psalm 31; John 8:32

• Feelings vrs Truth
• God still loves you and picks you up out of the mud after you face planted
• God is still God and I am not
• my feelings can't tell/dictate reality.
• hurt my feelings feelings.
• preach the gospel to myself when i don't feel like it because it's true not cause i like it.

Little Things Go A Long Way

Sometimes (okay a lot of times) I get in these funks where I know God is real, I know He cares about me, but really I just want to do my own thing either because He isn't doing things my way or I've just drifted off without Him and I find myself far away from my Friend and Savior. I find myself looking back on sweet times when I wanted nothing more then to spend hours and hours in the Word and I felt like I was walking on clouds because I knew who I am in my Savior and who He is and was growing an learning so much!

Those sweet times are really hard for this lazy, stubborn sinner to maintain. 

I've learned and forgotten and learned again that a great way to get out of this funk is to sing praise songs. Or thank Jesus for every little detail of life. For example, I'm currently in one of those funks... I was just sitting down stairs eating dinner and thanked Him for broccoli, flour wraps,  roommates, my new underwear, money to buy new underwear, the fact that we have a kitchen floor, my compassion child, our refrigerator, and the ability to do dishes. 

At work I have a really hard time paying attention to work and tend to daydream about the future... so I thanked God for the future (that kinda stopped the dding), for my chair, and music - then I came across a trouble and had to fix it and forgot to continue the thankful train.

But there ya go! Being thankful when you want to get back into Jesus is really helpful cause it puts the focus back on the Creator and less on me. Which turns my spirit back to and closer to Him. :)

Thank You Jesus for a blog. Thank You Jesus for today, and tomorrow, thank You that You never ever change. Thank You for being You.

Beloved Daughter (uber long, sorry)

This is one of those lessons that I learned awhile ago but God decided to make real again this week so, here we go! (there's a lot of set up for this one).

K, so in Community Group this week we went over Mark 5:25-34 about the woman who'd been bleeding for 12 years. If you don't know the story...go read it on www.biblegateway.com or in your Bible. CG leader was talking about what it would have meant for this girl to be bleeding for 12 years, say she went to two doctor's a year that'd be twenty-four doc's and instead of helping they made her worse. Top that off with she was a Jew and there were clean laws so part of what that meant was that she had to call out everywhere she went "unclean" everything she sat on or  used would be unclean until the end of the day.
Just imagine with me for a second -gosh!- how would that feel? Maybe if I'm going to a place where I don't like the people it'd be like a little bit of revenge I'm unclean and gonna make all your stuff unclean til the end of the day. But really? What if she just wanted to go shopping - she probably shouldn't touch anything! No pretty necklace trying on, don't pat that cute kid on the head, tell everybody UNCLEAN. I bet she felt a lot of faults guilt and shame. I bet a lot of people told her it was because of her sin, I bet those people condemned her... and you and I both know it really hurts when people judge you. I bet there were people who were good with her coming over but __________, or there were a lot of people who just ignored her. They could have been friends, they could have loved who she was but when they saw her coming they saw the unclean girl "she's so sweet but so messed up" lots of shaking heads. I bet she cried a lot, and just didn't understand. I bet she got angry about it and just didn't understand. But apparently she wasn't so angry that she gave up. Our Mark 5 girl was still holding on to some hope that she'd be healed.

So she hears of Jesus who is a teacher and healer. She goes looking for Him, pushes through a crowd (that she doesn't announce she's uncleanness too), touches Jesus and she's healed! I bet in her heart she giggled! I bet she wanted to have a dance party - for one split second. But Jesus knew power had gone out from Him and asked "Who touched Me?" and His disciples were like "Dude! Don't You see the crowd? Like everybody is touching You, Jesus, like duh." And Jesus insisted that someone had touched Him. Then our girl knowing what had happened came, fell at His feet and told Him (and the crowd) what she'd done.
I bet she cried. The Bible says she came trembling with fear, CGroup leader was saying that to touch a teacher in those days esp as you were unclean that'd be so looked down on. And she wasn't even suppose to be in a tight packed crowd. She had everything at stake. So she was crazy afraid! But Jesus said what to her?  "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."
Wow! Just wow!

Okay so hooray she's healed! I bet she ran and told everybody! I bet she made new friends and they all had dance parties together! But something else, I bet it she forgot at times that she was clean and didn't need to all the rituals. Which I'm sure made her life so much easier but in another way she still had questions. There was still that group of people that had ignored her that either had kept ignoring her or was now friends with her again. But she had to deal with all of that. She still had to deal with the sins of those against her. And I bet there were days that she completely forgot that she'd ever had a bleeding problem.

That's been a struggled like our girl. Forgiving people who have sinned against me. Remembering that it was Jesus who made me whole. Learning to remember that the God of the universe  has given me more then I deserve and forgiven me so yes, I can turn and forgive those people. I use to be terrified of every male I came in contact with, because of two men's sins. One day the Holy Spirit taught me that when God looks at Vicki He see her as if He's looking at Jesus His favorite Son. Because He has saved me, I am now His beloved daughter and I can now live in that light instead of the lies of those men who hurt me. So I'm healed! I dance a lot more now! I love dance parties with friends. I laugh a lot more now. But I still have days that I forget that healing, other days I sit down and ask why did that happen? I've been judge, sometimes I get angry at people who labeled me. Sometimes I just don't want to forgive them. I go around thinking they don't deserve my forgiveness. But just like our girl Jesus still says "Daughter your faith has healed you, go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Like a reminder it doesn't matter what you do it matters more who you are, that is I'm a daughter of God plus nothing. When I struggle to forgive, when I forget joy, I remember who I am and what is was that Christ did for me. He gave me healing from emotional pain but He also gave me the ultimate healing of forgiveness of sins. Just like our home girl He healed her and I think also gave her salvation.

Protection

Whenever I'm afraid or get angry or somebody that I love is in danger my tough girl comes out strong. But one place that tough girl comes out has started hurting me more then it has been helpful. I've mentioned that I didn't grow up in a great loving home. It was violent and there wasn't a whole lot of protecting of children happening... either because the adults in the home didn't know about the danger or they didn't know what to do. I'm not sure. Basically though I grew up thinking If I want to be protected, I have to do it myself. I don't have anyone who will listen or do something if I'm scared so it's up to me. I've pretty much carried this thought process into adulthood and while I thought it would be extremely helpful in being an adult it has actually backfired and and sent me reeling. Tough girl hasn't been helpful when my world is crumbling because I would hold it all inside of me and expect myself to get through this hard time by myself which spun this stubborn girl into depressive levels of suicide attempts. Instead of reaching out for help I'd just wall up and expect to be fine in a few days and when I wasn't  that cycle of not telling anyone I'll be fine in a few would begin again. So that's one way I "protected" myself that hasn't worked. It doesn't help you to shut people out of your life. If you don't share what you're thinking you're never going to get an objective opinion about what you're thinking. People/friends give us perceptive and bring us back into reality.

I was talking to a friend last week about protection because for whatever reason I'm thinking about marriage and God had laid it on my heart that if I do get married my husband will want to be my protector. I totally flipped because as I saw it I had always been my own protector. All my life I've had to try to protect myself and even now in my late twenties I think of myself as my protector a lot times because I've never really had a man to protect me. I'm always surprised and just really unsure what to do when my guy friends make protective comments or do something that's to protect me, even in the small ways. I kind of do the whole What are you doing? I can do this without you! 
So I was talking to my friend Ishia and she said that just knowing my story she can see God's protection all over my life and it's prideful of me to take the credit for that protection, especially when I stop and think about the times that I needed the most protection I was very young and had no way to help myself. It has totally been God protecting me all my life. Even though in some respects it doesn't look like He was protecting, He was. That was pretty big for me. He's plan for my life is different from my plan so His idea of what I needed to be protected from is different then mine. But He has a plan and no pain will be wasted. :)

So this morning I was reading Psalm 139 and I had a different then ever experience reading it. Before when I read this Psalm it was like I was reading about God's huge love for me and that's true but this time when I read it I saw protection, after protection! And my Bible is marked up from all the years of reading it and different verses make me think of different years. So it was like reading memories with this new realization that in that moment God was my protector. God was my protector when I was in my mothers womb, God was my protector when I was running, when I was in darkness God protected me. Verse five says You hem me in--behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me. Wow, how is that not protection? Even God searching and knowing my heart is a form of protection.
So go read Psalms 139 and so how the Lord has been protecting your life!

I've learned that I need a protector because I just can't sometimes, but God can and is my protection!

Trust In the Lord

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and lean not on your own understandings

in all your ways

acknowledge Him 

and He will direct your paths. 

Do not be wise in your own eyes

fear the Lord and shun evil

this will bring healing to your body

and nourishment to  your bones.

Proverbs 3:5-7

Do I really need to write anything more? I mean that pretty much sums it up right? right.

Is submitting to the Lord and trusting Him the same thing? I don't know. I really don't know... but I think trusting Him is the end part of submitting. Cause submitting is like giving up my will to follow yours. Trusting is more like I'm putting my life in you're hands or I'm standing beside you, believing that you will protect me.  So no, they aren't the same thing.

I've this idea that I can control things with my brain, so I fret and worry over the little stuff thinking i'm going to fix it by worrying about it. Or a least change people's minds with my mind. But I've been learning that when I fret or worry about situations I'm not trusting God to provide everything that I need. Trusting God in all things is 100% easier then actually doing.

It is hard to trust God that He know's better then me how to run my life, but I think that's okay cause it teaches me to keep running back to God so that we can grow closer together. The deeper in relationship you have with Jesus the more you're going to be trusting Him and give Him you're life.

Submit To the Lord

I was driving home to my sister's house from counseling on a rainy day on GA roads I didn't quiet know yet. By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio... I broke into tears and soon pulled off to the side of road to cry. I kept asking God to take my pain away. The painful thing I'd been dealing with in counseling. I didn't understand why I was where I was, I just wanted life to be different and I didn't want to be crying alone in the rain. I wanted an easy life. I was fighting God's hands every step of the way. But then there was that thought. Maybe God did really care like the song said. Maybe He does love me and what I'm going through was so that I could help somebody else in their pain. I started to let go of my grip on how God should run my life. I started asking God what is You're will for me? Please change me to look like you and make this submitting thing easier. Match my will to Yours.

Submitting has gotten easier... well in that I've learned that God is really good and loving it's easier to submit to Him. I've learned the sooner I stop fighting an praise Him for whatever the easier the change is, and easier the lesson. I don't always like what God is doing but I know He is good. always.
In Ephsians God talks about submitting to you're husband as to the Lord. When that first popped out at me in 2010, I was like man! It'd be easier to submit to a man! dah! but really i'm not sure it would be. I guess it depends on what the person or God thinks of you that you're submitting to, that you're laying aside your suggestions too and following. and it depends on what you're view of them is.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Eph 5:22-24

I don't have much else to say mainly because I'm tired. there is something I've been struggling with the Lord on and today I finally had an out with Him on what I really think. ...i'm having a hard time trusting Him to provide money for college or even did I understand Him right? Am I really suppose to go finish school? I'm not sure, but it was good to be honest with Him. Not only because I got it off my chest but now all I can really do is wait for directions. Wait for His lead in this area. that's hard too. Part of submitting is waiting and doing things somebody else way and often for me that's not fast enough. (sigh)!
But God is good. And God is not a god of confusion. He will make my paths straight. Submission and waiting = hard. But worth it. Promise, promise.
I think God likes teaching us because it keeps us close to Him. I'm learning in quiet ways God really likes relationships. He likes being in constant communication with His children through prayer. It's almost like He'll do anything to get our attention back on Him so We can grow in deeper and deeper relationship with Him.
crazy that the God of the universe would go to such lengths for us. but so good.



A Note I wrote on Marriage in 2010
https://www.facebook.com/notes/vicki-toria-hansen/marriage/351461938983
Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU

Great Expectations

I remember a conversation I had with my older sister and two of her friends when we were in high school. The girls were talking about how they hoped they would be wed by the time they were (and no later then) 25. Twenty-one or twenty-two was ideal. They couldn't wait to play house like their mom's did, and have little families. My urge to speak was to great I just had to interject that if I wasn't married by twenty-one then I'd like to wait until thirty or maybe even forty to get married, if all. Because if you don't get married early then wouldn't you want to live a little? I had my hopes on being a business owner by the time I was thirty as well, so that had a lot to do with my thinking. I got some pretty shocked looks and questions of don't you want to be a wife and mother? I'd always somewhere deep inside wanted to be a mom but, I didn't grow up in a loving home. That year had been rough so the idea of wife and motherhood sounded pretty bad to me.  I wasn't too keen on settling down early for a forever life to be stuck in a house and fight with a man. 

So single sounded really good, especially the weeks my parents fighting increased.

By the time I was twenty-two I'd met some Jesus loving guys and was totally thrown for a loop What? There are really genuinely kind men out there! Okay, maybe marriage won't be so bad. I need a husband. Because I don't want to be a lone forever.  I had a lot of pressure on me from family to "grow up and be a wife and mother" I thought somehow they would love me less if I didn't get married. 

Both reasons are off. I don't want to be lonely/my family is on my case to get married and I don't want to get married because of my bad experience are just off. The world would give you labels of course. To the business woman, there would be success awards. To the wife and mother there would be living the American dream award. 

But would I be content as a working woman? Would I be content as a wife and mother? I've heard from both that there are pressures that go with both and everybody has their say about what you need to be put together and successful. But I've learned, like the pressure my family put on me to get married right away, people are always going to have expectations for you. So who's expectations are you looking to fulfill? 

I've had to lay down my families expectations of me because they were both too high and conflicting (8 siblings saying two different things in varies ways sounds pretty conflicting!). Their ideas and goals for me have come to me as heavy because my life is turning out very different from theirs. The expectations of the world are confusing. One day I was thinking about what is God's expectation for me? Pretty sure He says in Matthew Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. We're to take up His yoke, His word and His ways and learn to follow/trust Him. It's a lot easier going to school under a kind and gentle Tutor then trying to fit into a unyielding mold. 

 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. -Ephesians 3:20

His expectations come with His power to work in us. Human expectations leave us feeling weak and overwhelmed with how much we have to do. Jesus has great expectations for His children but He comes with the weight. He comes to make it happen. His expectations bring hope and healing instead of  despair. 

Does God Satisfy All I Desire?

I'm feeling super under qualified to write this blog because I don't have Bible references for everything...

But my answer to the above question is Yes! He does satisfy but not how we would expect. I think that when I was asking this question the most I was wanting strong arms to wrap around me and tell me everything was going to be okay, or I was struggle with the whole stay pure until marriage command. I thought that if only I had a man or at least someone to hold me I'd be okay, I'd be satisfied. Like my pastors say: taking a good thing and turning it into a God thing. Taking a blessing and saying this is what has made me who I am, and will give me identity instead of Jesus. But the truth is that every time I (or anybody) goes looking for something to make them okay, they're looking for a savior.  Jesus has already come and died on the cross to save us and redeem our brokenness  There have been so many times that I've just felt an ache to have a husband or something but didn't know what I needed. In high school a mentor pointed out Romans 8:26 we don't know what we should pray so the Holy Spirit intercedes for us. I thought it was weird when I first heard this but it's true! The Holy Spirit does intercede for us. When I ache and I ask Holy Spirit to come translate me to God. I basically groan at God (respectfully) and He brings peace and comfort.

But also God gives us the grace to battle through our weakness, for His power is made perfect through our weakness. My weakness puts God on display. I need Jesus first and most, because I need salvation from my sins above of all things. The aches are teachers in rejoicing in our salvation through pain. Not happy happy all the time but a quiet surrender of my will to His. Praising Him for salvation and praising God for any extra blessings. Our pain points us back to the Garden of Eden which points us to the cross.

God does satisfy, it just looks different then a human remedy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XPQkUTdCNc

Companionship

In 2004 my sister and I moved out of our parents house and parted ways to go off to college. It was one of the saddest partings I'd ever had. She was pretty much my best friend from the time I was borne plus being  my sister and roommate. We fought a lot (mostly about how to clean our room, haha! Okay wasn't it all the time). We laughed a lot and we just did life together. We helped each other through the tough times and hung out together in peaceful times. We made a pretty good team! Growing up I never really considered that there would every be a time without her. But there we were one off to Idaho and the other off to Tennessee parting ways. 

One day while driving home from work I was trying to describe to God why I was sad and I all I could think to say was I miss having a friend like my sister, someone who lives with me, pushes me to Jesus, knows me so well we can just look at each other's face and have a clue (or more) what's going in their brain. Some one to call up when you wanna going camping or for a walk. My sister and I shared a bed a few years, I miss the late night conversations just cause we couldn't sleep. I miss having a close friend. 

When I first realized that I just miss having a friend to really live life with I started praying for a companion. Now I can totally tell you truthfully that I am happy and I have close friends and I enjoy my roommates. If the Lord blesses me with a husband one day I'm totally still going to spend time with my besties, but there's also something special and deep about a friendship that you're friend outside the home and inside. It's something I've been praying for for about five years, sometimes angry, sometimes worried like Am I ever going to get this? Why pray? God is ever growing me in trusting Him, and this is just one more way He teaches me to trust Him. 

While in college there was RUF group and pastor, one semester he taught on Romance, Dating, and Marriage. The one thing that the pastor kept saying was that marriage is about companionship. Every week he'd start out by asking what's marriage about? By week three we all knew what to yell out: Companionship!
I kind of laughed at the pastor saying that because 'I thought I knew better' marriage was about making babies and family right? It wasn't until I started having good friends that were married couples that I realized that pastor was right. You can't really have a good marriage without a good friendship foundation.

I don't remember when I learned this but I know I knew it as of 2yrs ago that God listens when I'm hurting and comforts when I'm sad. He's ways are not my ways, and His thoughts higher then my thoughts. God has a different way of doing things then I do. Two years ago I started praying for God to just hold me when I ache for a companion. Jesus holds me so well. He doesn't completely take the pain away but teaches me to trust Him with it. And I've learned that when I ask for something I need to submit to His will. Submit to His will knowing that I may not get what I asked for exactly as I asked or at all but Daddy God loves me and  knows what I really need most. And sometimes all I really need is Him. He is what is best and He does what is best for His children. 

Grace in Abuntance

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to write today. I have my list of things to write about each day but for whatever reason writing about God's grace is, well I need grace for it honestly. Lol! I'm sitting here thinking
I should tell this story or maybe that story. Is grace forgiveness or something different? Oh no! I'm a flipping Christian and I can't explain grace? I'm such a bad stupid Christian. What do I do? Lord, why am I writing this this blog? I don't have anything good to say and I don't edit half the time. Did You see my post yesterday? Were You proud of me? What did everybody who read it think? Bet they think I'm crazy, bet they...

STOP!

Vicki, Stop!

Slow down, give yourself some grace! Just write about how you learned to give grace and Jesus. 

Okay. I think I can handle that. :)

The day that I remember first giving myself grace was while going to pick up "my car's in the shop buddy". When her car is in the shop I take her to work and vis versa. That day I was running really late, not only did I need to get her to work on time I also needed to get myself to work on time. As I pulled into her complex I  was berating myself with you should have's... if you had only... if you were better or more mature... 

My counselor that week had said to me "Vicki! Can't you allow yourself some grace? People make mistakes. You make mistakes and aren't perfect. Stop belittling yourself for not being perfect." 

I didn't understand. Grace wasn't something I'd seen a whole lot of, I only knew how to call myself awful names and tell myself terrible lies like "You're worthless. Nobody cares about you. You will never amount to anything. You thought you were doing so good but look at how you just failed. You suck." But God doesn't view me like that. 

At church I was told that if I refused to forgive myself for something God had already forgiven me for it was like I was saying my words and opinions were more true then God's. I remembered this that day on the way to pick up my friend and thought wait! I'm not bigger then God! Maybe I could drop these words and just ask for help.

That was the first day I gave myself grace. I learned later that giving myself grace isn't just letting myself off the hook. Another part is saying Okay this isn't going my way and I should have done  x,y or z but I just need to give this to Jesus to handle. I'm a broken sinner that needs a Savior to save me from my sins and my failures. There are still consequences but I don't have walk around with that weight hanging over me anymore because Jesus died on the cross becoming my sin, taking the punishment that I deserve once and for all and giving me the option to turn my life completely over to Him to receive His forgiveness. I am washed clean when I receive His grace, when I receive His forgiveness.

If we confess our sins He is faithful and Just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

1 John 1:8

This doesn't just go for when I don't forgive myself it also covers the things I have true guilt over. Like when I sin sexual as mention in yesterdays post.  Because of Christ's death on the cross my debt against Him is paid in full. When God looks at me He see me forgive but not only that, He sees me as if I were His Son Jesus who has never sinned at all. Praise the Lord for His grace!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVnV1kIZYYs

My hardest Fight - Lust

Quotes from Dave Harvey's book When Sinners Say "I Do" chapter 6, Forgiveness, Full and Free p101-102:

      Pride fueled my actions and thoughts. My opinions wee the only correct ones and I had a "right" to have all my needs        met. ...To my (a husband, named Jeremy)  humiliations and shame,  when we argued I would often say things like "any other woman would love to be married to me." Instead of dealing humbly with the growing probles, I chose to run from my God-given responsibilities and vows, and pursued a relationship with another woman. ...

This running led to a gradual hardening of my heart and manifested itself in an arrogant attempt to see how close I could get to the flame and not get burnt. ...

During the months leading up to my physical adultery, I experienced uncommon sleeplessness and anxiety. it was as if I was running down a train track toward an unseen but audible oncoming train. I knew the right thing to do would be to jump off the track but I continued running faster, somehow drawn in by the "excitement" of the feelings. Rejecting God's patience as He gave me months of opportunity to turn from my sin, I chose to run headlong into the abyss.

If I (Dave Harvey) can make a plea--husbands and wives, should you find yourself en route to the abyss of infidelity, whether with a person or with pornography in any of its manifestations...

SLAM!

The book landed on the floor. I'm NOT reading this crap anymore! You can't tell me that my daydreams are the same as porn! I'm not reading anymore of that dumb book! I don't care WHAT YOU SAY LORD!!!

Stop! Bugging me! Holy Spirit, I DON'T. Have. A. Problem!

*crickets* 

FINE! I'll finish this section. But THEN I'm going to sleep and I. DON'T. WANT TO TALK TO YOU, GOD!!!

...should you find yourself en route to the abyss of infidelity, whether with a person or with pornography in any of its manifestations please repent of your sin and seek the help of a person you trust. Read this story as a WARNING and a plea from the God who loves you and is seeking to rescue you from that sin.

CRACK

Again. The Harvey book landed on the floor as an angry Vicki crossed her arms and rolled over squeezed her eyes shut! No! I'm not talking about it! I'm going to sleep for the night God and we are NOT talking about this! I'm not wrong!

Ten to twenty minutes later. Okay. Maybe I am wrong. So what were You trying to say? I'm a sinner? Oh. Yeah, that's not news. I'm sorry Dada, if You want me to change You're going to have to do the work. I don't know how. I know this will hurt like hell but You are God and You are worth it.

Ever since I was twelve years old I have struggled with sexual daydreams. As an adult when I'm alone for longer then 1.5 days the temptations to watch porn is strong. Sometimes I haven't fought at all, as in I enjoyed my sin. At other times I have just turned off all desires saying sexual desire is gross and anybody who even struggles with that is gross and have totally despised them.

Reading Dave Harvey's book was a huge wake up call to me. Because God flat out convicting me, reminding me that my sins don't have to because physical to be sins against God or myself.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 5:27-28

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you:sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.

Colossians 3:5-6

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:8-9

I couldn't continue on my merry way without confessing to my LifeGroup (church small group) and making plans to fight. But why fight? Besides the verses above? I fight not just because I want to be pure, not just because I want to give freely of my self to a husband one day but because I have a relationship with Jesus. Jesus is my love for life and He is totally not okay with my lustfully passions. He is not okay with my disrespect. He says to save sex of every kind for marriage and because He first loved me, I want to love Him well back. Just like everybody tries to make their friends smile and not angry with them, I love my Jesus, I want to please Him, I don't want to disappoint or disobey Him.

I still struggle with lust, O Reader, but I don't go through this life alone. I have Jesus and Jesus family to walk through life with. When I have a three day weekend I make plans to hang out. When I'm being tempted I call a friend hey! wanna have a movie night? or can I come borrow one of yours so I can keep my mind pure? 

For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. - 2 Corinthians 5:21

Because of Jesus becoming my sin, I have a way of escape.  I have a way to handle my sin.

I've realized also that when I start having sexual temptation it 50% stems from being lonely, so instead of running away from God He has been teaching me to run to Jesus God and just say Dada I hurt please be my comfort.

Prayer works. God is real and powerful. God is a personal God. 

Life Would be an Awfully Big Adventure!

Sometime after my first year of college I was bumming around after a long week of work watching movies and just feeling really listless and despondent about my life and how it seemed that I was failing at life. I felt like I failing because not only did I have a grub janitor job but I also had never dated anybody, I was nearing my 20's and there was no man on the horizon for me. All I was doing for life was working 50 to 65 hours a week, eating, sleeping and watching movies with my house mates. So I was watch some movie when this idea struck me that you know what? My life is now! If I want to  live a life of adventures I need to start today or at least get a plan and go. I didn't know where to start, so I looked up at the ceiling and said God? Help. I need a plan. Please make my life a great adventure. The earth did not shatter that day but God started growing and moving me in a different direction.

Okay so fast forward 8 years to today. The reason I'm writing later tonight is that I was at Community Group which is a month old church plant. Talk about adventure! It's not what I had planned for my life at all. Not even in the last two years did I dream I'd be at a church plant. I thought I was going to grow old with Midtown Fellowship family. I didn't think I'd be going to a house church with total strangers and growing in God's Word! I mean what? Are you flippin crazy? I was talkin to my good friend Ishia tonight on the way home about one of the ways that God has grown me and gotten me ready for this church plant (and this blog tonight a-maz-zing!) is realizing that no, marriage isn't the ultimate goal. Marriage isn't the prize or the thing that starts life, or something to run your life around. Marriage is a gift just like singleness, these two aren't to be compared. When I start comparing my singleness to a married friend I stop and tell myself No Vicki it isn't about this things, life is about the gospel and how God can spread it farther in this world. If He thinks reaching the world with His promised hope is through me being single then I'm game! If He can display His gospel better later through me getting married, cool! Bring on that man, Lord!

In group tonight we were talking about Mark 4 tonight with parables of the sower, the lamp stand, the growing seed and the smallest of seeds. The sower threw the seed everywhere, we are to scatter seeds of Christ and the gospel everywhere. We don't hide lamps under things we turn'em on to give light so your light shine Jesus' love, peeps! We get to share the Word and it's God Who grows the plant so after you share it don't worry. God said He would grow it so He will! And the mustard seed is the smallest seed but God uses it to enrich lives with His truth and love, just like He uses every Christian to enrich the lives of those around them.
So share, shine, trust God for growth, and allow God to use you as enrichment.

Tack on to this some verse in James 4 that talks about our lives being a mist. Meaning in light of eternity my life is about 2 seconds long so how am I going to live in light of the gospel? Do I want to make a difference for the next generation? Or am I going to sit around here moping because I haven't gotten the life I had planned?

We can sit on our bums pouting about the life God hasn't given us, or we can praise Him for salvation and new idenity in Christ, and ask Holy Spirit to grow and shape us.

Holy Spirit give us wisdom and vision to live out the gospel with those around us in every circumstance, good or bad. To remember that the sweetness of You, fall in love with You and spread You're light with others. Give us contentment in the stations You have us in now so that our witness will not be hindered.

Single or married let your life in Christ be you're goal in life. It's a grand adventure. We broken sinners need Him most and best of all things!!!

God's Love is Best (sorry it's long)

When I was in seventh grade a I had HUGE crush on a freshman guy in my youth group - Joel - dashing, big brown eyes, and a little on the crazy side. Match made in heaven I was so sure! One Saturday night I went to bed with painful curlers in my hair (so I'd be pretty for Joel, of course!). Sunday morning came and I was moseying around just focused on leave the curlers in for a few more minutes so they will be perfectly beautiful for Joel. This time surely he'll notice me! And when he does it'll be all over from there. I could just see it, high school sweethearts, on through college and then marriage! Defiantly! Totally with my beautiful curls, it'd be a win.

I took out the first two curlers, my hair was still damp and there was no curl just a weave. Oh no! He won't notice! And if he does I'll be ugly. So ugly! God? Why would You do this to me? Don't You want me married? Don't You want me happy? When all the curlers were out I stood crying in front of a mirror with damp wavy hair. I was sure I was the ugliest middle schooler ever!!! Ugly duckling! Completed crushed. All my hopes flatten and soggy like my curls.

Then this thought ran through: Jesus loves you! He made you just like you are. Jesus likes Vicki best the way He made her. With or without curls. He. Loves. His girl Vicki.

I wish I could say that I remembered that all the up to now, that I never crushed on a guy again, that I never dated anybody and am peacefully waiting on the Lord to bring me His best. But that would be a lie. I've been set up a lot, none worked out. And I've been a cereal crusher since I was four. I've embarrassed myself and tried to change myself I don't know how many times. (sigh) But every time I've found myself crying and writing break up songs (badly written break up songs).

I guess I best own up to the fact that part of the reason I started this 30 day challenge was because I've started crushing on yet another guy. I've been telling my friends it's different this time! and Lord willing it will be, but I know he's a sinner (which means I'll be disappointed, and I'll disappoint him cause I'm a sinner) and I know I'm setting myself up for yet another broken heart if I don't do something different.

So what am I doing? Guarding my heart by calling myself out. Thinking  more on Jesus. This morning I was telling myself that this guy is Not my Love! Jesus is my Love! 
Why is Jesus my love? Because He does love me. Jesus is my Savior. He doesn't ever leave me, nor will He. When He wants me to change He pursues my heart, turns my face toward His and changes my heart to look more like His. He has loved me before time began, He knew me before I was born. Lol! He has heard all my jokes and seen all my dance moves! He still loves me. He has seen me at my worse, I have even cussed Him out and He still loves, turns me to repentance, and covers me with His blood. He understands my deepest sorrows and comforts better then anybody else. Did I mention He is always with me? I remembered that while at my desk today and giggled Jesus loves me intimately and is here with me in my cube! God in a box! *giggles*. We laugh together. He gives me blessings on top of blessings beyond salvation. I'm His wee sheep, I have everything I need and more right here in Him. I can't say all of this about one man on earth. No man will ever be able to satisfy my heart like Jesus does just by being a good God.

Psalm 16; Psalm 23; Psalm 139

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m76wSTnwZAk

ps. These blogs have helped me focus more on Jesus throughout the day so I'm going to keep going with the challenge... just think of it as Vicki thoughts on things she's learned, instead of devotionals. 

Idols of the Heart

I realized today that for these 30 days I may repeat myself a few times because God has taught me the same things over and over and over again in different ways. One of those is God pointing out my idolatrous heart.

Jeremiah 2:11-13

Has a nation ever changed its gods?

(Yet they are not gods at all.)

But My people have exchanged their Glory 

for worthless idols.

Be appolled at this, O heavens,

and shudder with great horror,

declares the  LORD.

My people have committed two sins:

They have forsaken Me,

the spring of living water,

 and have dug their own cisterns,

broken cisterns that cannot hold water.

Jeremiah 3:12-14

Go, proclaim this message toward the north:

" 'Return, faithless Israel,' declares the Lord,

'I will frown on you no longer,

for I am merciful,' declares the Lord,

'I will not be angry forever.

Only acknowledge your guilt--

you have rebelled aginst the Lord your God,

you have scattered your favors to foreign gods

under every spreading tree,

and have not obeyed Me,' "

declares the LORD.

"Return, faithless people," declares the Lord, "for I am your husband. I will choose you--one from a town and two from a clan--and bring you to Zion.

The Lord calls me to worship Him alone. To put my full hope in Him. To find my very identity in Christ alone. But I don't. I think a lot of times if only I had a man to call my husband or if some guy was paying me attention then I'd be more okay and more valuable then I am. But how much more worth could a daughter of the King Jesus need? Is there any worth greater then being justified by the God of the universe? 

I don't have a lot to say on this. I guess because I'm constantly struggling with idols. I don't always understand why I run from God. Sometimes I just don't want to talk to God so I run out on Him because I feel like He's let me down so I want to "get Him back". Today I was struggling between Jesus and an idol and it was because 1. it's easy and comfortable to run back to my idols, and 2. because I'm afraid of this incredible love God has for me. It's new and different, it's kinder then anything I've ever known and I just don't know how to handle, not just human kindness, but also God kindness. 

Why does so great a God love someone like me? I need to just leave right? Before He sees my worthlessness?

God's been wrecking me with this song today. With His truth!

Tenth Avenue North - Beloved

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-Nbt8lCJrk

The "I Deserve Marriage" Lie

K, So I'm coming from a pretty rough home life and of course you know everybody wants a Cinderella story! I believed that since childhood was super painful then God owed me the blessing of marriage. I got really mad so many times because "Hey God! You said You'd be there for me through it all but 'ppearenly You just skipped out on me 0-19 so You owe me a good marriage to make up for where You failed me!"
Then there's the people that say "I'm a good person I do right by others, I deserve the blessing of marriage!"
What I've learned over the years is that both sides are just straight up prideful. Straight up telling God He owes you is saying "I know how to run my life better" and  "My ways are higher and more holy then God's ways".

Okay, so in my church family we do this thing called "preach the gospel" to yourself, and to your friends over everything! So a practical format for doing that is asking three questions twice.
1. What are you feeling right now?
2. So who are you believing you are from that?
3. And in light of who you are, who are you believing God is?

Then you take the last question and discuss it then start again, like this.
1. Okay so you think God is ________, but is He really? (generally this answer is No). Well then who is God according to the Bible and how do you know that He is that?
2. In light of Who God really is, who does that make you?
3. How does that make you feel?

Whats the feeling behind I deserve marriage... anger, maybe hurt?, fear (that life will continue to be hard), and some self righteousness. Lets look at anger ( I was mostly angry when I said these things to God).
So I'm angry!
Who am I?
I'm the judge. I'm telling God I'm right, You wrong! I'm smart, wise, and all understanding.
So Who does my belief make God?
Makes Him a stupid idiot. He says He's God but He has no power, no understanding about His creation and no wisdom.

k, so is that true according to scriptures. Is God of the Bible who split the Red Sea for Israel, Who broke down the walls of Jericho, Who shut the mouths of lions for Daniel, Who sent His only Son as a Man but fully God into the world to die and rise again, is this same God a stupid idiot, have no power, wisdom or understanding?
No. No, no, no. God isn't who I was believing Him to be. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob! He is the powerful and understanding God who let Israel through the wilderness and saved them time and time again. He is the God who sent His only Son into the world to live a perfect life I couldn't live. To die a death that I really deserved and raised Himself from the the grave and conquered it.
So, in light of Who God is according to the Bible... who am I? Nobody to great. A sinner, in need of a Savior. Grateful for my Savior Jesus. Any blessing beyond salvation is more then I really need.
And finally what's the feeling that comes out of knowing Who God really is and who I am?
A quiet relief. Grateful. Peace.

My Life Will Begin When I Get Married

I once dreamed that a sparkling bling would bring joy and peace. But You my God smashed my trade to reveal the lie. 

I said that brokenness could heal my broken heart. But how can a broken man offer help when he can't fix himself? Wouldn't he want healing for himself first? Of course!

So where? Where? Where will my aching heat be filled how will I ever find that lasting love, that satisfying joy?

The cross! The cross! A perfect Man yet fully God came down to be my sin, to take on my broken heart.

He was broken for me!

He was crushed so that I could be made whole, to reconcile to Himself those that need Him. Even though He knew we'd turn away from Him a thousand times to try to find His wholeness in created expensive lovers. He came to be my first Love.

I once dreamed that moving away to college would bring me joy but honestly I found myself just as broken as high school days. College didn't bring what I expected but I expected marriage to fulfill? Nope, that would be just another lie.

I am broken, imperfect and out of control in need of a God that can truly change a heart like mine.

There is only one God, one Lord, He raised Himself from the dead. He and He alone has the power to satisfy my every desire and need. 

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out

    or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

    you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

Psalms 16:4-6

I Need A Man To ____________

Over the last five or six years I've slowly seen a pattern in my life that the Lord has challenged and grown my heart in. And that is in the "I need a man to do such and such for me" statement. 

Like:

I'm afraid to make this decision about car repairs on my own! I just need a man to tell me what to do!

I can't open this sauce jar! I need a strong man to open this!

(Before taking a budgeting class...) I need a man to manage my money!

I need a man to go talk to that creep!

So basically I "need" a body guard/accountant/handy man/adviser. 

There have been so many times that I've straight up screamed at God "This isn't fair! I need husband! I can't do this life thing on my own!" I remember at least two times crumpling on the kitchen floor with an unopened sauce jar just weeping "Lord? I can't get this jar opened! I'm so mad and frustrated! Wouldn't me having a husband just fix this ok? I'm so worried, this food was suppose to be several meals this week. What am I going to eat? I don't have enough money to go buy more! I just need a man!"

On every occasion the Lord has provided. On every occasion Holy Spirit has convicted me that I need to come to Him with what is to big for me. With those sauce jars? I've started praying God give me Your strength  to open this jar. And then He did! And He still does. When I was afraid to make big financial decisions He gave me wisdom. With creeps He has been my protection.  Daddy God has taught me to run sooner to Himself then human help, that God is my salvation, and my help.

In my distress I called to the Lord;

    he answered me and set me free.

The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid;

    what can anyone do to me?

It is the Lord who helps me,

    and I will see my enemies defeated.

It is better to trust in the Lord

    than to depend on people.

It is better to trust in the Lord

    than to depend on human leaders.

...

The Lord makes me powerful and strong;

    he has saved me.

...

I praise you, Lord, because you heard me,

    because you have given me victory.

Psalms 118:5-9&14&21

P.S. Today after having bought a water and trying to follow my friends around in a crowd I was having difficulty opening the bottle. My first thought "Lord! I need a man!" I stopped. Looked down at the bottle and smiled "No Lord, I need Jesus first and some strength here would be helpful if Ya don't mind." Catching up with my friends I tried again and praise Jesus the lid came off after praying about it! I still struggle because I'm still a sinner but the Lord is my strength and salvation! Praying that you trust His help with all your details.

Intro to 30Day Single-Minded Challenge

Hey!
So I've been thinking about marriage and Jesus in a totally new (to me) way for the last month or so, thought I'd share what I've been thinking and what I'm going to do about it!

So lets just pretend for five minutes that God told you your going to meet your husband this year and then some months later God was like "Hey! You know that man you were just rude to? That's your husband, he loves you. Like it or not, baby girl, that's My choice for you. I love you and I have your best interest in mind." Not that all of that happened to me per se... but just think about it! What would that mean for a late twenties something single gal?
1. She's getting married
2. Basically God just told her she's engaged. (En-freakin-gaged!!)
and
3. If there is anything else you want to do as a single girl you better do it ASAP! (aka stop waiting for your "life" to begin and live today!)

What the frrrrrrrrrrrrrrig? That would be totally weird right? Yes. I agree with myself that would be weird. But! Since for whatever reason I'm thinking these thoughts...might as well do something about them.
So if I'm pretending that I'm meeting a God chosen husband this year: Is there anything I want to do before marriage? Is there anything I need to start?

I want to get my Tattoo in case he doesn't approve of his girl being inked! DONE!
Grow closer with and fall harder in love with Jesus. IN PROCESS!
Minister to and encourage single women. 30 DAY SINGLE-MINDED CHALLENGE!

Okay, so what's the 30 Day Single-Minded Challenge? And are you sure it's not Single-Mind?
Minded Mind idk!
Challenge to myself: For 30 days straight write a devotional for single girls to point them to Jesus in the mist of their current marital status.

This is indeed a challenge for me because I'm not sure I have 30 things to say about being single in Jesus. And I promise it won't be professional and I will have mistakes, there will probably be things that are wrong or you disagree with... so please feel free to call me out! I will appreciate that much, O Reader!
So please come join me for the adventure of watching God work through this! It'll be weird, it'll be fun, it'll be awkwaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrd, it'll be great! LETS GO!!!

ps. I'll probably be writing this at the end of the day, so you could say it officially starts Sunday April 14, 2013. :)

A Desert Whine

Lord, I just don't wanna pray right now about this thing!

I'm just like that lil'ole' Israel:

Why'd You have to bring me to the desert to die?

Back in Egypt I had a solid roof on 'ore my head!

In quiet heart I sigh:

What are You working in this waiting Lord?

What are you doing? 

I'm like Your Gomer You led

Out to the desert to woo.

All I can muster is:

I was comfortable in my Egyptian bed!

How, the hell, am I to sleep with all these cold stones

 jabbing my back?

In response You begin my heart to woo to You!

Your patient eyes they watch me whine

Your firm commands are protective and kind.

While I sit with rebellious eyes

Refusing to pray because I'm so afraid,

Afraid to say aloud

I think You lied.

I sit here in my imprisoning pride.

Have I misunderstood?

Did You lie?

I thought since You'd already swiftly moved

You'd shock me farther a continued fast pace!

You moved fast and now You've slowed?

Why?

I just don't understand why You brought me

to this never ending desert place?

Now that I've been honest I remember that 

You are God and You are good.

I am always in Your hands,

Safe and understood.

If I misunderstood You will use my failings.

Even if You lied -- which is against Your God ways!

You are good and worthy of trust and praise.

You've brought me thus far

(And You know dat's farther then anybody else ever did!)

I will trust Your heart

On this, O Lord Jesus.

I'll bring You this thing that has not gone my way

I'll bring You my pride and lay down my will.

I'll put these on the alter 

And stab'em til they're dead-dead!

Strike a match and let'em burn.

It'll hurt to watch'em roast to ash 

My will that convinced me it would be so

My pride that gave me that control.

I was refusing to trust Your way

Because I idolized mine, 

Instead of waiting and watching Yours unfold.

Here I come back, Dada!

Arms out stretched and tears in my heart.

Dada! Please forgive me!

I've broke both our hearts when I left.

Hold me again and be my first Love

For-lasting-ever!

You pick me up 

And show me Your scars

Beloved.

I knew you'd run before you did

I know you'll run again,

But these are for you!

My gospel will always be true!

I love you.

Everyday.