Whenever I'm afraid or get angry or somebody that I love is in danger my tough girl comes out strong. But one place that tough girl comes out has started hurting me more then it has been helpful. I've mentioned that I didn't grow up in a great loving home. It was violent and there wasn't a whole lot of protecting of children happening... either because the adults in the home didn't know about the danger or they didn't know what to do. I'm not sure. Basically though I grew up thinking If I want to be protected, I have to do it myself. I don't have anyone who will listen or do something if I'm scared so it's up to me. I've pretty much carried this thought process into adulthood and while I thought it would be extremely helpful in being an adult it has actually backfired and and sent me reeling. Tough girl hasn't been helpful when my world is crumbling because I would hold it all inside of me and expect myself to get through this hard time by myself which spun this stubborn girl into depressive levels of suicide attempts. Instead of reaching out for help I'd just wall up and expect to be fine in a few days and when I wasn't that cycle of not telling anyone I'll be fine in a few would begin again. So that's one way I "protected" myself that hasn't worked. It doesn't help you to shut people out of your life. If you don't share what you're thinking you're never going to get an objective opinion about what you're thinking. People/friends give us perceptive and bring us back into reality.
I was talking to a friend last week about protection because for whatever reason I'm thinking about marriage and God had laid it on my heart that if I do get married my husband will want to be my protector. I totally flipped because as I saw it I had always been my own protector. All my life I've had to try to protect myself and even now in my late twenties I think of myself as my protector a lot times because I've never really had a man to protect me. I'm always surprised and just really unsure what to do when my guy friends make protective comments or do something that's to protect me, even in the small ways. I kind of do the whole What are you doing? I can do this without you!
So I was talking to my friend Ishia and she said that just knowing my story she can see God's protection all over my life and it's prideful of me to take the credit for that protection, especially when I stop and think about the times that I needed the most protection I was very young and had no way to help myself. It has totally been God protecting me all my life. Even though in some respects it doesn't look like He was protecting, He was. That was pretty big for me. He's plan for my life is different from my plan so His idea of what I needed to be protected from is different then mine. But He has a plan and no pain will be wasted. :)
So this morning I was reading Psalm 139 and I had a different then ever experience reading it. Before when I read this Psalm it was like I was reading about God's huge love for me and that's true but this time when I read it I saw protection, after protection! And my Bible is marked up from all the years of reading it and different verses make me think of different years. So it was like reading memories with this new realization that in that moment God was my protector. God was my protector when I was in my mothers womb, God was my protector when I was running, when I was in darkness God protected me. Verse five says You hem me in--behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me. Wow, how is that not protection? Even God searching and knowing my heart is a form of protection.
So go read Psalms 139 and so how the Lord has been protecting your life!
I've learned that I need a protector because I just can't sometimes, but God can and is my protection!
I was talking to a friend last week about protection because for whatever reason I'm thinking about marriage and God had laid it on my heart that if I do get married my husband will want to be my protector. I totally flipped because as I saw it I had always been my own protector. All my life I've had to try to protect myself and even now in my late twenties I think of myself as my protector a lot times because I've never really had a man to protect me. I'm always surprised and just really unsure what to do when my guy friends make protective comments or do something that's to protect me, even in the small ways. I kind of do the whole What are you doing? I can do this without you!
So I was talking to my friend Ishia and she said that just knowing my story she can see God's protection all over my life and it's prideful of me to take the credit for that protection, especially when I stop and think about the times that I needed the most protection I was very young and had no way to help myself. It has totally been God protecting me all my life. Even though in some respects it doesn't look like He was protecting, He was. That was pretty big for me. He's plan for my life is different from my plan so His idea of what I needed to be protected from is different then mine. But He has a plan and no pain will be wasted. :)
So this morning I was reading Psalm 139 and I had a different then ever experience reading it. Before when I read this Psalm it was like I was reading about God's huge love for me and that's true but this time when I read it I saw protection, after protection! And my Bible is marked up from all the years of reading it and different verses make me think of different years. So it was like reading memories with this new realization that in that moment God was my protector. God was my protector when I was in my mothers womb, God was my protector when I was running, when I was in darkness God protected me. Verse five says You hem me in--behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me. Wow, how is that not protection? Even God searching and knowing my heart is a form of protection.
So go read Psalms 139 and so how the Lord has been protecting your life!
I've learned that I need a protector because I just can't sometimes, but God can and is my protection!
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