When I was in seventh grade a I had HUGE crush on a freshman guy in my youth group - Joel - dashing, big brown eyes, and a little on the crazy side. Match made in heaven I was so sure! One Saturday night I went to bed with painful curlers in my hair (so I'd be pretty for Joel, of course!). Sunday morning came and I was moseying around just focused on leave the curlers in for a few more minutes so they will be perfectly beautiful for Joel. This time surely he'll notice me! And when he does it'll be all over from there. I could just see it, high school sweethearts, on through college and then marriage! Defiantly! Totally with my beautiful curls, it'd be a win.
I took out the first two curlers, my hair was still damp and there was no curl just a weave. Oh no! He won't notice! And if he does I'll be ugly. So ugly! God? Why would You do this to me? Don't You want me married? Don't You want me happy? When all the curlers were out I stood crying in front of a mirror with damp wavy hair. I was sure I was the ugliest middle schooler ever!!! Ugly duckling! Completed crushed. All my hopes flatten and soggy like my curls.
Then this thought ran through: Jesus loves you! He made you just like you are. Jesus likes Vicki best the way He made her. With or without curls. He. Loves. His girl Vicki.
I wish I could say that I remembered that all the up to now, that I never crushed on a guy again, that I never dated anybody and am peacefully waiting on the Lord to bring me His best. But that would be a lie. I've been set up a lot, none worked out. And I've been a cereal crusher since I was four. I've embarrassed myself and tried to change myself I don't know how many times. (sigh) But every time I've found myself crying and writing break up songs (badly written break up songs).
I guess I best own up to the fact that part of the reason I started this 30 day challenge was because I've started crushing on yet another guy. I've been telling my friends it's different this time! and Lord willing it will be, but I know he's a sinner (which means I'll be disappointed, and I'll disappoint him cause I'm a sinner) and I know I'm setting myself up for yet another broken heart if I don't do something different.
So what am I doing? Guarding my heart by calling myself out. Thinking more on Jesus. This morning I was telling myself that this guy is Not my Love! Jesus is my Love!
Why is Jesus my love? Because He does love me. Jesus is my Savior. He doesn't ever leave me, nor will He. When He wants me to change He pursues my heart, turns my face toward His and changes my heart to look more like His. He has loved me before time began, He knew me before I was born. Lol! He has heard all my jokes and seen all my dance moves! He still loves me. He has seen me at my worse, I have even cussed Him out and He still loves, turns me to repentance, and covers me with His blood. He understands my deepest sorrows and comforts better then anybody else. Did I mention He is always with me? I remembered that while at my desk today and giggled Jesus loves me intimately and is here with me in my cube! God in a box! *giggles*. We laugh together. He gives me blessings on top of blessings beyond salvation. I'm His wee sheep, I have everything I need and more right here in Him. I can't say all of this about one man on earth. No man will ever be able to satisfy my heart like Jesus does just by being a good God.
Psalm 16; Psalm 23; Psalm 139
ps. These blogs have helped me focus more on Jesus throughout the day so I'm going to keep going with the challenge... just think of it as Vicki thoughts on things she's learned, instead of devotionals.
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