currently thinking... (just processing nothing huge)

so i'm borrowing a bed and mattress from a friend that is about to move to a different state which reminded me that sometime i'm going to have grow up and buy my own bed. which has thrown my mind in questions of what kind of bed do i want? and how much do i want to spend on it? how much do i need to start saving for it?
my first answers are quiet simple - twin sized, just the frame and as cheap as possible, free would be awesome.
but then i started thinking... well one roommate has a queen size bed and the other has a twin with a large head board, maybe something like that? but no. i don't want a head board because i remember so many times hitting my head on them as a kid - ouch! no thanks. and then i thought... get a queen size bed in case you get married one day. you can keep your bed and save money if he happens to be also sleeping on a twin bed currently too.
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. me? sleep on a queen size? no! how sad! growinng up i shared a queen size with my sister and that was fun. and a few times i've visited other pple where their guest bed was a queen and i just felt really lonely without a friend. besides they take up tons of room. and besides, you can fit lots of pple on a twin! hahaha! so it's settled i would like a twin sized though i will probably look at different types of frames just because, because.
i know i know, odd post. but there's my brain for you. besides i have a head cold, you never know what you will get when someone has a cold.

passionate

have you ever listened to or read different chapters of the Bible and been filled with the sense of awe at God's passionate love for His bride the church? He's passion that sets your heart still and then that rush? like you just want to lay in His arms. has His love ever awakened something new in you? has any such wonder of such love ever made you want  to drop everything and run to do He's bidding. yes the world calls, facebook calls my name and emails, work, crushes, sleep, but a pure love that yearns with passion for His bride the Church, each of His beloved children. *sigh* would that i remember such love daily.

psalm 45-46 and John 17

Just a thought II...

     I think that selfishness is a really sneaky little tike. There are many different ways that it rears its ugly head in my life. Beside the first note today. And here again I believe it is often looked over or pushed to the side because we all are selfish, so if your not a twenty-five year old that is still acting like a spoiled four year old who doesn't want anyone to touch any of the toys because "their MINE! ALL MINE!" then you're fine. You're doing great, don't worry about it. Nobody but you knows about it, so you can continue on your way as you were. Boo. Boo, I say! Boo. No thank you. I don't want to be stuck the rest of my life finding out new ways that I'm selfish and not grow from it.

     For instance I'm taking this class called Recovery at my church and in the middle of the book there are what'cha call inventories. Taking inventory of different aspects of your life. The one that I've gotten stuck on is on Resentments and Anger. I tend to believe that I'm not a very anger person but gracious! When my Dad passed away last year anger and resentment came all boiling up! I read a very good book last year called Uprooting Anger by Robert D. Jones that made me mad at Mr Jones, but I found the root of that anger was that the core of my anger was being revealed. I just wanted MY way to be THE way. Didn't he know that he shouldn't write anything to offend the great Vicki? I mean really! But later in the book he talked about how when we become angry we are setting ourselves up as a judge over the situation. Me getting angry over my Dad passing away suddenly was me setting myself up as the judge - I believed it to be wrong that Dad died - so therefore God must be wrong since I claimed the judgment seat.
     There have been too many examples in the past week for me to decide which to put down. However, going through this inventory I am so humbled to find out just how much I think all circumstances should go my way.
     There are bad things that have happened in my life and the lives of my family. Things that were just wrong and painful to all weather we admit them or not. As far as I know righteous anger is called for but what do we do after the righteous anger? What do we do with that righteous anger if we even have any? Most of my anger has been me focused. As in "hey! why'd you do that? Or why'd that happen? Ouch!" Some I know would say I have a right to carry on that anger and resentment toward that person or thing that happened. But do I? Am I the ultimate judge? Do I give the most adequate response or judgement to the offense?  
      No. No, I am not the ultimate judge. Jesus is. No, I cannot give the most adequate judgment to any offense. God does. No, I don't have the right to lord my pain over another as some would say. Because Jesus Christ came an lived a life I could never live. Because I, in the sight of God, am no more then any other. I'm a dang sinner without the righteousness of God. God is the true judge, all of life revolves around Him. In my revenge I would say evil things of people I barely know. In my revenge I would miscount any harm done to them and yell about how much they should have respected me, so why didn't they? And in my revenge I would mistreat all who did me harm of every level until they learned - in reality to be the bigger person - to treat me how I deserve. mmm - I'm stuck here thinking oh know what if the ppl who read this don't like what I put down next? What if they find me judgmental and without understanding and grace? But I've just remembered: Nobody reads this! I'm not that famous and I live before the face of God anyhow. And this is a really long post... if yours still reading wow! why? are you that bored?

     But this isn't how God calls me to live. God calls me to live as Jesus did. To treat those who misuse me the same way Jesus responded. With forgiveness. Everyday I misuse my salvation, everyday I give God reason why Jesus died on the cross. If God acted like I act when I get angry then Christianity would totally be works based and even after a life of works based living I'd still end up in Hell forever. Praise Jesus He's more like a father with his four year old screaming son who really needs a spanking and a nap!

 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:19-20


 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” ~ Romans 12:19

Just a thought...

     Selfishness is a really tricky thing because it's easy to hide from our friends and self, and because everybody is. Sometimes it clear cut and everybody sees it, but what if your that person that everybody thinks highly of and wants to be? Do ppl see them as selfish ever? I think if you really get to know them, or live with them you'd see it.
     I know that in these last few weeks I've been learning just how selfish I am. I'm nobody's super star but I have been told in the last year by a number of people that they think I'm awesome or they look up to me. I'm truly honored by that but honestly I think I have tended to take that to the wrong level. I tend to imagine up scenarios all day long of what people could say to me and how I will respond in the best way, the coolest way, or the most spiritually profound way for all the sure to happen conversation with all the "cool people" I do or don't actually talk to. And, by golly, you know what I was deeply convicted on this week? Being fearful of what others think of me. Yeah. I've been so consumed by what others will think of whatever I say that I run through all these scenarios in my cubical while I work that sometimes I even work myself up to my stomach tied in knots! And the point of belief that everybody everywhere that knows me is thinking about me all the time and has me up on a pedestal and OH MY GOSH I HAVE TO PREFORM to keep them happy! Because we all know I'm the center of this universe!

But then a quiet relief came. I don't live before or for the faces of men. Their opinion of me doesn't really matter, the worse they can do is kill me. Whose face does it really matter that I live before? Whose face? God's face. The face of the One who created me. The face of the One who is actually the center of the universe. The face of the One who can actually terrorize me and allow me the worse possible ending to my life, you know that ever lasting life without Christ in a deep dark corner of Hell. But no, I live before the face of Jesus Christ who has saved me. Jesus Christ, God who has redeemed me from the miry pit (psalms 40:1-4). This is the face I live before to please. His is the face I am to live for. Not mine to keep me in the "cool crowd" or other human faces.
     So the truly self centered scenario's can stop because I don't have to live up to their expectations of me, or my assumed expectations they have for me. I get to look at scripture and commune with the Holy Spirit for how I am to live before His face. How to please Him as my God.
     So just a thought for you, whose face do you live before? Honestly in your heart. Whose face?

Veterans Day

  I just wanted to say

Dad, I missed you day!

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you for going so far away.

To fight for some friends,

To stand by their side.

To prayerful give their children

A Right to be free.

Thank you for fighting for them

and for me.

Without these memories 

Or the nightmares you saw,

You wouldn't have learned what you knew

Been completely you

I couldn't have become me

If you hadn't gone an fought

In that Vietnam War.

In memory of my Dad (Paul A. Hansen)

 who died last year Sept.19, 2010 of a heart attack.

Some Sermons come to me through song

JJ Heller's
The Pretty & The Plain :

You found me in the garden
I was crying over your grave
It sounded like music when you spoke my name

I know you came for the pretty and the plain
I hear you calling out my name
I know you came for the sinner and the saint
And I will never be the same

The first time that you saw me
I was wrestling demons on my own
You gave me my freedom
And I will never be, never be alone

CHORUS

Hallelujah, I will never be the same
Hallelujah, amen
Hallelujah, I will never be the same
I will never be the same

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a2iVwURb14

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKnXx7thMtQ 

hi

i've decided i need a hobby. i don't know what that should be but i'm tired of not having one and checking fb and email 20thousand times a day hoping something awesome will happen. and busy with life and friends isn't a hobby... that's call busy. but i don't want to busy all the time...i want to relax and do something for fun where i'm learning about something and doing something i enjoy and has an end goal.
for instance i love bugs and i like writting so maybe i'll start writting 5page papers once a month on something that sounds fun. :) we'll see.

Song

SO Folks it's late and i have this song stuck in my head but i can't find it on youtube... well i can't find it with all the verses. i believe it is wayne watson's colored ponnies but i can't find it with this verse

dressin up in her momma's pearls or maybe swingin round in her daddy's arms/and i don't even know her name but i'm prayin for her just the same/ that the Lord will write His name upon her heart/cause somewhere in the course of this life my little boy will need a godly wife/so hold onto Jesus baby where ever you are.

yep. it's driving me nuts!

okay i got it. it is wayne watson but it's called somewhere in the world tonight
http://www.kovideo.net/somewhere-in-the-world-lyrics-wayne-watson-793978.html

i know it's totally cheesy but i love this song. :) signing off

a walk, a memory, a yesteryear

     Have you ever found a place so familiar yet so forgotten to you that it's like taking a step back in time and the memories come flooding back?
     I found that place for me this wkend. I'm a my Ma's house out in the country and whilst our movie was intereuped by a caller I slipped out back to check out that old swing that I use to visit so often. Running down the now grassy path, down the sloping yard, skipping over roots and ducking under new low hanging branches, down to the swing set built by my Dad between two old pine trees hanging from a 2x4 bolted tween the two - built to last many a gandchild. An old tire rubber seat and a plank of wood have now been long replaced by two plastic seats and the old rusty chains have danced their last for now new shiney silver chain hang and only in arms reach yellow rubbery chain covers to protect one's hands from blisters. bahahaha! oh my hand use to be covered in blisters and calused so! But is it funny?
     With a smile I sit and think to myself - Yeah, good thing for this new stuff it won't hurt so bad.
But as I sit one memory after another seemed to float by but then No! Can it be? Am I really that little girl? My hands are soft now, can't you see? I'm in a dream! I must be. I remember that sky, these outlines like that image in the mirror, I know those fears, the dreams, the dares of a little frighten girl. Is it okay to go back inside yet? I don't want to ...but - the past is past a new time has come. Yes, little girl, I still remember the hurts and confusion, the wants and desires, the prayers the tears, yeah, I remember. But the God that you prayed to, the God that has loved you in these last years is the same God who protected you and gave you those prayers to begin with. He was watching over you all this time. You still have far to go but you still have hope and it's even bigger now. You have a new family in Christ. God is your loving Daddy. Those nights were deep, dark and tragic, but joy comes in the morning. There's more to life in Christ then everything you ever dreamed, more to dreams then you know, more to friends and the Bible and church then you ever thought or could imagine and it all starts with Jesus. It all starts with this big God who loves you. Who really loves you, and always has. Even on the darkest most painful days, God loves ...

and puts the lonely in families. 

it's a goupy mushy lovey dovey night

life has it's ups and downs, it's crazy and trying days. life doesn't ask you what you think of it! i guess it sounds like i think life is a being thing that just goes on and on the way it decides. but  i've found it doesn't really matter how i think there's Truth that stays no matter what i'm feeling or think about. Truth be told there's a Maker and He writes these stories of life but i'm not just a puppet on His string. He's mine and i'm His! we have secrets that no one else gets. He has stories on me that would make you laugh, make you cry. ooooh-ooh-oh! i have stories of His love for me that make me cry, that would make you smile. mmmmm-mm-mm-mmmmm! He's just my wonderful, darling Savior, Hero, and friend. I learn new things week by week that make me weep, He's so wonder-doubly-fully to me! i'm His and His mine! and there's songs that make me fall more in love with Him. ...i didn't mean to so sounds so goupy mushy lovey dovey tonight. but i'm sorry it's just when i start adoring my sweet Jesus it all comes a tumbling out and Jesus loves me passionately-ee-ee-ee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! could i fall more deeply in love with someone else dear Lord - maybe but maybe not - could i ever find someone so amazing that i'd never want to live without - maybe but probably not - mmmmmm! there's sweet things, sweet things that ought never be lived without and oh-oh-oh! my Jesus Lord is one of those things. mmmm-mm!

in a moment of joy and wishing i could rhyme ...

life is a ball
dreams are good things in my future
all my scheming and all my ways in the Lord!
life goes on, just like the rain that falls
just like a memory that comes and goes
ooooooooooooooh life is a sweet, sweet gift
from a Lover of living things
i don't know why sometime tragedy strikes
but i'm sure it doesn't go unseen
by my King
but i am sure days will come again
when i don't want to get out'a bed
but still so sure
that in the end i am safe in my Savior King
He will never let me go!
oh oh oh no.
na-na-no. no. no! He won't let go.

life is a ball
and i can't tell you all
the wonders i have seen
or healing i've held in my view in the world around me
oh, oh, oh! it's been a grand old thing to see,
and it's happening to me
it can be for you, yeah, you too
healing can come for you

random disclaimer

so i just want to throw out there that i - one morning at like 5am - was trying to do something on my blog and instead became my own follower on my blog. so it's not because i'm super vain or anything i just was really tired and i don't know enough bout blogging to unfollow myself. which now that i say that it sound like i'm a dog chasing my tail. mmm, oh well! life. you make mistakes and do silly stuff. it's just fact not fiction.

Everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing 


When I first started going to Midtown and the first time I sang this song I couldn't sing it. I didn't know if God really could. I didn't believe that God could be there in my weeping and hurting and I didn't know if He could heal me. Somewhere along the way someone challenged me with "God's grace is sufficient" so the things we find impossible ask Him to show you that He can. I remember one of the first times I did sing it I wept and all I could think was praying "Please God! Please God! Please God make it so! Please God" over and over again. I always cried when we got to 
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing


Now when I get to this part I still choke up. I still tear up and can't sing but now my heart is whispering something different "It's true, it's true it's true! Thank you, Thank you God!" 
God does marvelous work.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V0rgrt1nTM

things that remind me of God

Birds - their wings remind me that God has Healing Wings. He heals my brokeness. God is my protector
Rainbows - the flood... God keeps His promises. all of them!
Rain - Elijah... so i was recently reading 1&2Kings about the prophet praying for fire and then telling king Ahab that  there would be rain even though the cloud was only as large as a man's fist. later in the wk that i read that story i was listening to the radio and the announcer said that there was "a small chance of rain, if we saw any rain clouds it wouldn't be much bigger then a man's fist" seriously they said that. and i thought wow. and prayed "God will you please make it rain for me like you did Elijah because you love me?'' that night i was a Starbucks and a massive storm came through. and while everybody else was freaking out i kept thinking "uh, thanks God! this is a mazing! but i didn't mean scare everybody. but thank you!" so now rain reminds me that God loves me. :)

Insecurities and Me

Dear Blogger Land,

     About a month ago one of my trusted friends (and still loved) suggested that I am insecure. I on the other hand had never really thought about it. You know? I mean I heard others talk about it but when I think Vicki Hansen and insecure I think they repel each other. It's more like Vicki Hansen and Scared are friends. Not Vicki Hansen and Insecure are friends. mmm, I just don't know about this idea! But I was thinking these last weeks maybe insecure is just a nice way of saying "I'm scared!" like "blah! scared of men thinkin i'm fat" when i could say in a more no nonsense way "I'm insecure around certain types of men". no, no, no. that just doesn't sit right in my head. sigh. gosh! words! feelings!
    but no really all joking aside i just don't like the word insecure... i don't know. scared sounds more right to me.

in·se·cure

 [in-si-kyoor] Show IPA

–adjective

1.

subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person.

2.

not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious: He was insecure about the examination.

3.

not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger: an insecure stock portfolio.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     like i was sayin'! scared. it's like worry and fear in one word. but aaaaaaaaagh! i just don't want to put that as defining word about me. i'd rather just keep sayin ''i'm scared. i'm shy. i don't know about that. i'm worried." but, but.. OH BUMMER! i don't know. whatev. it doesn't have to define me.. I'm mean really Jesus Christ defines me. but I'm "insecure" about His love for me. I'm not always sure that I'm okay in Him so i start to worry and fear about anything and everything around me. though i must say i don't mind using the word Insecure with the sentence above. so maybe I'll just be scared of things on earth and worried about situations and say that it's all because I'm insecure in Christ. yes. that wraps it up nicely. thank you Blogger land with your fine lush green rolling hills and butterfly's! thank you! 

Thankful for the good times

Hey friend,
     I don't have a real easy way of saying this but this weekend has been rough. everybody has rough weekends right? :) it's nice to know i'm not the only busted up human in the world. yep. so why was this weekend rough? cause i really started missing my dad. i missed his dumb and crude jokes, riddles that i couldn't figure out for days, his "magic tricks" haha! yeah, Dad would get all excited that he could boil water and just before it would start to boil he'd call any audience into the kitchen and be like 'watch! i'm going to do a Magic Trick' then he'd whirl his hand around over the pan of water then step in front of view then jump back and yell "ta-daaa! so what'd ya think? pretty great right?" and then no matter what comment we gave him he'd say "it's all in the hands, all in the magic hands!"
     Today i was missing a memory from long ago. the first church i remember going to (we moved churches the beginning of  my second grade year) was this little family church name EauClair  presbyterian every month or two months we'd have church pot luck night, but even better then the normal monthly pot lucks was lake day. i have know idea how this worked out but somehow, somewhere we always got this meeting hall right on the lake and have a pot luck and we'd all go swimming and  canoeing then come back from some grillin.  this was the best church event of all of them. in the lake there were raft like things marking the depth of  lake, like warnings almost. i always stayed in the shallow end. there was one year that my sister right above me went far out to the third marker and was swimming great and then all of a sudden she wasn't there anymore. then she popped up and waved her hand and yelled help but then when down again, then up again, then down. next thing i know there was mad swimming happening and i couldn't see who it was until Mary was up on the raft and breathing okay again. it was Dad! Dad saved Mary from drowning!  i know it's crazy to remember this but i remember thinking "i didn't know he cared! Dad cares about us?" for the rest of the day we just went canoeing with an older sister, but i just kept thinkin "wow! Dad cares!" i miss those days. i miss that day because i knew that i would be protected.
     i found myself not wanting to pray a whole lot this weekend because why would God let Dad die so soon? there was still life to be lived.
at church tonight we were singing ... i don't know what we were singing but it was like God convicted me while singing He is the God of life. He knows the times He has for us. And He choses when we live, where we live, and when we die. i didn't get to help Him decide when Dad would pass away, but He gave me the gift of life, He gave me the gift of knowing my Dad before he died. it wasn't the best relationship by any means but it was something. so these good memories i have i can say thank You God for the good times, thank You for the lessons Your teaching me through this. to be fair i know that this isn't going to easy to keep saying. it's easy on a high to say thank you right after i learn it. but tomorrow this might not be so easy. but God is still God. God of god's and Light of lights, very God of very gods. He stays the same, it's me that changes. it's me that leaves Him, He stays the same. Always forever the same. so God, thanks for the good times with Dad. Thank You for the church family You've given me. Thanks for my other fam. Thanks for holding me through the bad times and healing and pursuing me for life. Thank You for passionately loving me and being real!

Been encouraged

Hey! so it's Sunday again, i've decided to blog a least once a week and try and keep up somewhat with others through reading their blogs. So something that i've been going back to again and again these last two weeks is Psalm 23. ya know if you grew up in church it's something you grew up with and know by heart as this beautiful type of poem but i've been seeing more then just that resently in it.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want

He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

 your rod and yours staff, they comfort me.

you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 

you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

surely goodness and love will follow me 

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

because of who I am in Christ there is a lot of encouraging truth in this chapter, i count 15 truths that are strong truths in Christ. and have become very encouraging to me. things that i didn't understand before i'm now nodding my head going "yeah! that's so true, He has, He does do that!".

1. The Lord is my shepherd - yep! that's true, He is my shepherd. in every sense of that word.
2. I shall not be in want - true. what i need...need God provides. ALWAYS. He is really sweet about being consitant in providing. And His grace abounds in that He blesses me with more then what i need.
3. He makes me lie down in green pastures - He gives me rest. and what do sheep need with green pastures? well, it's their food, it's not just any food it's healthy food. but it's more then just food it's that He provides the rest and things i need spiritually and physically to grow and live in Him.
4. He leads me beside still waters - i heard a speaker say once that the reason it says still or quiet waters is because sheep are afraid of rushing water. we are the sheep. we need water and (this is just me sayin) God knows our fears and even though He may think and know the fears are silly He brings us to still waters so that we may live. He provides.
5. He restores my soul. - nuff said! so true!
6. He guides me in paths of righteousness
7. why? - for His name's sake! it's for He's glory...i'm finding that's a beautiful thing!
8. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil - that's right! in the mist of dark pain and confusion i have a place of comfort! i need not walk in fear or live by fearful sight.
9. For You are with me - everyday, all the way! i think this is one of my favorites... that God is with me always. :)
10. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies -
11. You anoint my head with oil -
12. My cup overflows - there is so much blessings! i'm so amazed!
13. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life -
14. and i will dwell in the house of the Lord
15. Forever - okay you might not say that this is a promise by it's self or counts... but i think it is. you know? we live on this earth for only so many 80 something years, but one day we in Christ will live forever with Him! i'm excited about that! :) 

some of those i left blank because i don't really understand them. but just like life there is still room to grow. i'm not a bible scholar, these are just things that i've thought of this text and have been encouraged by. God is really good! so personal! i love Him!

Image bearers

     Hey, so I'm reading this book called Rid of My disGrace by Lindsey and Justin Holcomb, I'm in the last section in the book call Grace applied. I haven't gotten very far into it but what I have been thinking on from it in the last 6 or 7 hours is the idea that God created us in His image, kind of like the illustration that they use that the ancient kings would set up images of themselves around their kingdom because their kingdoms were so vast that they themselves couldn't always make themselves known to each providence of their kingdom so they would have the monuments or status of themselves put up so that the people would remember who their king was.
     The book got this idea stuck in my head that when God created man and woman in His own image (as it stated in Gen. 1) and told them to multiply it was like He was saying remember Me. Make more people in My image to remind you of who your King is, to remind you how you ought to treat each other remember that you are made in My image.

      Here's another thing. At church we've started this new series called Different and Equal talking about men and women as equal and this first part of the sermon tonight I was having a difficult time really listening because I kept thinking "oh, yeah image bearers! We bear the image of God!" and like Jon was saying at the beginning of the sermon men and women have different qualities that show use what God is like. I just sat there being really amazed and excited that I get portray to those around me part of who and what God is like just by being a girl.
     I also got excited thinking about how different each of us is but yet we all bear God's image and learn from each other. Take for example this simple conversation my roommate and I had the other day. We were talking about what we would do if we had a little extra spending money and she said she'd think to buy a shirt, and I thought I'd like to buy more jewelry and a dress. She wished she thought more like that, but quiet honestly it'd be really great if I could remember to not by jewelry or dresses and buy a shirt. I kept thinking during the sermon isn't that just so? Buying a dress isn't more like God then wanting to buy a shirt, it's different perspectives and mind-setts that show off God. He made us different but the same... make since?

Patience: It's a Grace thing

     Some months ago several of my friends kept telling that I needed to more patient with myself. I didn't understand what they meant, so I asked them. they said "don't be so hard on yourself", "don't expect so much from yourself", "it's okay to make mistakes your not perfect and you have to be, nobody is".
I still didn't understand so I did what I normally do and ignored it for as long as I could then prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to help me understand, to please remove the block from my head that just won't let me understand. 
     Sometime around then I put up a note on my cube wall that says "God doesn't give up on me as fast as I do.'' So every time at work when I'd start chewing myself out about anything and start getting really down I read it. There were other things that kept coming up to help me to, but one day I realized patience is like giving myself grace. See giving grace is just like forgiving yourself for those silly mistake we all make. Giving grace to yourself is praying and asking God to help you to stop beating yourself for all those things you did in the past that others have forgiven you for that you still feel so guilty about. Giving grace is remembering who I am in Christ on the daily, that yes, I've said mean things, done things I regret, not responded to situation the way I wish I would have, not said anything when I should have. BUT, hey, hey now didn't Christ forgive me when I've asked? Yep. So who is this bringing charges against me? Is it God? Nope. Is the Devil? Could be. Is it me? Could be both. So look self, Jesus has forgiven me when I ask and He is only One who can change me and make me better. Trust Him. Trust what He says is true. Trust that He has forgiven me and stop with the worry's and what if's. God has forgiven me so I can rest in His forgiveness of me as well as forgive myself.
     All of this forgiveness and giving grace has to do with patience because patience is like pre-current grace. It's pre-grace for all the dumb stuff I'm going to do by slowing down my attitude/reactions to a calm remembrance that no matter what happens at the end of the day I'm still in Christ, and He in me. It's also current grace because when I'm in a situation where I just did something dumb I can stop and remember "hey I'm in Christ this will work out okay in the end" and not bitch at myself. This also works really well for when people push my buttons. It's also really helpful with others to remember that I've probably done the same thing to someone that they are doing to me. If not to another human being, to Jesus. See it's giving current grace. Patience, I think of it as a grace thing. ...I wonder how many of the fruits of the Spirit are grace things? huh, donno.

peace out!

Easter Sunday Morn

Low in the grave He lay

Jesus my Savior

...

Up from the grave He arose

With a mighty trimuph 

o're His foes

He arose the Victory

from the dark domains

and He lives forever with His saints to reign!

He arose! He arose! 

Hallelujah!

Christ arose!

       I went to Mundey Thursday service the other night and kept thinking about when I come to the cross I bring a nail and a stone to put Jesus on the cross with all my sin, my attitude is one of bitterness and hate. But Jesus because He knows the joy of being with His Dad says “okay, I’ll let you nail me to this cross. Not because it’s easy or cause I like it but because the joy to come. The joy that you get to have God as your Daddy because without this death you would never know or could ever be restored.” And Jesus before, during and after as I nail Him to the cross He has forgiven me, give me grace. I keep thinking in a way He shakes His head, talking to His Dad say's "Dad, it make me so sad, she doesn't know what she's doing -how she's hurting me and disobeying flat out hating You. But I love her, Dad. And I want her to know You as Dad." Then Jesus saves me and through walking with Him through life He takes the nail and stone out of my hands and put different things there. He redeems. He restores my broken heart, soul and life. He conquers all my shame through rising. He took on my guilt and now in Jesus Christ I stand forgiven, freedom from the law of sin and death.
I am ridiculously blessed! Wow! Praise be the matchless Name of Jesus Christ!


He is risen!