I have things to say. Things to share. Things I've done but tonight I'm just tired and trying to hide from the One Friend that really cares because He doesn't do for me everything I want... that's just silly I know. But for some reason being in my own little bad mood is my thing tonight. I think my problem is mostly that I don't want to give up and cry about the things that are bothering me and let Jesus handle them or teach me what to do with them. I'm trying to hold on real tight and saying "I can do it myself, thanks. I GOT this! OkAaaaaaaaaaay?!! For real leave me alone!"
But sitting here typing this is reminding me of something else realized a week or so ago...
But sitting here typing this is reminding me of something else realized a week or so ago...
When I was young I use to go swing in the back yard to get away... I swung so much that my palms were callused hard and rough, as well as discolored by the rusty chains. But now I'm twenty-six and my palms are soft, smooth, and white. Which made me think of how I use to run away from pain and sorrow into my dream world to be filled with happiness and acceptance. But as the years came and went the happy place became a danger to my relationship with my Daddy God. Him and me grew deep as the old habit grew to hinder more then help; my old stompin grounds of wild imaginings of anywhere but here, where I'm the center of the story and the main character or where the hero always picked me to be by his side was wasting me and pulling me far from Him.
But what? What's that Lord? You are the hero every time? You're the real center of my story and I'm just a breath? What? Naaa-huuu-uh! What? I'm sitting here fighting You, and yet You're asking me, pursuing me, to be by Your side? I'd love to but that means I can't be the center. I'd love to but that means that when I ache I have to come to You and give You my everything. NO! I can't do that! How will I live with nothing to control? Nothing to hang on to? No power. Nothing familiar to hang on too. Is there another way to be free and have a that deep relationship with Jesus? No, no, no, Lord! I will hang tight to these chains! I will continue in my ways and live with rough, discolored callused hands. Not feeling pain or frustration has to be the way, right?...
Beloved. Beloved. Beloved. What are you seeking in that habit you've chased? What do you need most of all things? Is it helping? Are you at peace? Come sit by Me, come rest and drink deeply of My love. Beloved, come home. Daughter, I loved you first, I love you most, I love you best. Beloved daughter come rest by my side. You don't have to be what they demand. I made you the way you are for a purpose, put that down, I love you the way I made you. Beloved come quickly.
When I sit by Daddy God's side He heals me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. Nothing can ever change that. When I brought my sorrows to Him, He didn't stop the sting of the pain He taught me how to see Him through it. He opened my eyes to the hope that radiates from His very nature. When I turn and run to that old habit I can feel He's sadness and silences as He lets me go. I hear Him calling me back to Himself. Asking, was I not good to you beloved? Am I not still good? Look down at your hands dear child and tell me what you see.
Oh Daddy! My hands are soft and white but Yours are now rough and hard...and blood... blood! Why is there blood on Your hands? That should be mine! That's mine! Stop You can't take that from me, I can't repay You! I don't know how to live Your way! You'll have to teach me, is that okay? Is that okay? Tell me why You have my bloodied rough hands.
Jesus died for me. He saw me in my Egypt and brought me out to the desert. He redeemed and restores my soul for His name sake(ps23). He gives oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS Splendor (Isaiah 61:3). For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteous, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. (Isaiah 61:10-11)
Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your Name (ps 86:11)
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James1:2-6
My life is about His glory. When I lay my control down He makes me beautiful, when I pick my controlling habits back up I make myself rough, hard, and discolored. I love because He first loved me and gave Himself up for me. That's why I can now have soft hands. I am loved and accepted by Daddy God, and like a loving faithful Father, His is teaching me how to live without my every things. I'm being transformed. *happy sigh* Transforming because He frees and redeems.
