I've been thinking a lot lately about how I need to learn to make my mind is lead my heart instead of vis versa. You know. Mind is the more sensable one. I guess if my heart and mind were their own little charactors Mind would be a sensible creature that thought through and questioned everything. Though pridefullness gets her into quiet a lot of trouble. Heart would be the dreamy, happy, laughing sort that rushes into anything that sounds like an adventure and great fun, but when things don't go her way she falls into the depths of despair! Oh drama queen know yourself!
So you can quiet imagine now the fights that happen between Mind and Heart and how hard it is to allow Mind to lead.
Yesterday Heart was leading for a large portion of the day with high hopes, incessant giggles, daydreams of what could be and "if only's" which all completely distracted me from work. While Mind was yelling down “Mayday! Mayday! Ships going down! You need to listen to me!”, “You know you always do this and you always get hurt. Stop! Just stop the endless chatter. You need to listen! Jesus is more important!”
But Heart was roaring with dreams and fears and soaring so high it couldn't hear Mind. After a while Mind gave up and just drummed her fingers on my desk and waited for one of the fears to pop up to squeeze in a reality check. Reality came by reading some scriptures on Who God is and the armor that I wear as a Christian. My heart is covered by the breast plate of righteousness and my mind is helmeted by salvation. Both very well protected by Jesus and His blood. If Jesus was the source of my joy why was I not thinking about Him? Why not wistfully dreaming about my love for Him? Awe but you know the adventure of unrequited love must come every once in a while.
Heart did start to listen around 3pm yesterday. My feet returned to the ground from the clouds they'd been dancing on and the fog in my mind started to began to separate. Constant reminder that being present with Jesus is better then being absent and only have pretend friends.
This morning I finished up Joshua and was encouraged to write down the things that I found God to be in this book. I thought that I would do that on breaks at work however I discovered that Heart is awefully whiny and doesn't want God very much. Mind knows that I need Him and want Him but my heart is still very far off and is happy to whore after other things. Yesterday I told a friend in the hight of Hearts frolic that I would be intentional about loving Jesus most... sigh.
Friend, loving Jesus with my heart intentional is harder then I thought it would be yesterday. I'm much more stable today, but my heart still strays quiet far, not to an adventure but to a different idol. Idol of self and I can do this without You. I'm not sure this idol is much different from the idol of "if this were different or if I were this - I would have value". It appears I don't trust Jesus to be the best thing for me. But yet isn't that what I'm learning everywhere?
Lord please teach to my wandering heart to trust and love you as I ought. My mind knows it can love and trust You but my heart hasn't a clue. Please change me!
