Adoring Him and His Joy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea-uQFPcvaM&list=FL34tlWAYCV1UNmuMqNRFLVA

you know this song?

I've found that it brings me back to Jesus and God's love for me. The idea that all He ever wants is my heart makes me at ease. makes me giggle like a little crushing girl. makes me adore Christ. the moments when i remember that He wants my heart its easier to obey and follow Jesus. it's a lot to follow some one you adore and want to be like. 

another thing i've found is that when i ask how can i serve here where i am it brings me joy and energy to be present and serve. I haven't gotten to a place where i remember to live for others and Jesus on the daily or constantly but maybe one day i'll be better at it. right now I'm really selfish and unconcerned about how others feel. its disgusting to me but i keep trying to do it on my own. And God is faithful to show me i can't change myself, i need help to be loving and servant hearted. I need a Savior to give me a serving and loving spirit. 

This summer I went to see one of my sisters on the journey there i was adoring Baba God - i love road trips, I love looking up at the big blue sky and clouds, i love seeing new things. I love the new perspectives to my life a different place brings. I learned on that trip that obeying Jesus without fighting Him brings growth too, before hand I'd only seen me grow from mistakes, sins and fighting Him. I took the attitude of serving my sister while being a house guest and it just made my visit really wonderful. The thing is that when I come back home its easy to forget to live like I do when I live... you know its like going to camp and being on a "mountain high".  

Lil' Goose Stories

I've recently started writing stories about a goose that lives on a farm and learns the gospel in every story. so in case you miss reading Vicki blogs... I'm sorry. I'll probably get back to it sometime. But i'm enjoying writing short stories for now. I'm dreaming real big and hoping one day they will be published... however, I don't know how that will pan out. Haven't counted the costs there. We'll see! Mean time I love writing and I love the gospel! God is so amazing!

hands down

God's been teaching me alot in the last two weeks. it's been painful. i stayed home from work today due to illness and honestly just cried like three times. once because my department is being downsized from 23 postions to 10... my company isn't doing well. it's like telling someone "one of your steady friends has cancer and they will die soon" coupled with you won't see half of your friends on a daily basics anymore.
ouch.
and my uncle is in ICU in a different state, with his kidney failing and lungs not working on there own. I might not know the man real well, but he has always been able to make me laugh and encourage me when I saw him. Baba God please heal him.
and the third time? there's just a lot going on, throw a bad cold in on top of hard things.
I have been thinking a lot about God this last week an a half, and a friend asked is God good? can He really be trusted when thing are hard, when life is painful? Is Jesus who He says He is?
I was thinking about those questions today... I decided that
You know what? If God/Jesus isn't real then I completely would rather believe this lie then any other out there! Because of Jesus I have a family. I know now because of Jesus what family is suppose to act like. Man. I had dark voices that audibly spoke to me from i don't know when to August 2013 when In Jesus' Name they left. If Jesus is a lie then hands down this is the best hoax I've ever been a part of and I'm gonna keep being crazy about it because its the only crazy religious thing out there that is motivated by love.
My life currently feel rough and I've been cryin a lot in the last weeks but, Jesus is enough. He knows what He is doing. I fail Him every day by not making Him my first and my all. But because of Him I am justified. In Christ Jesus through His blood God has adopted me as His daughter. I'm set for life. for sure.

If anyone wants to tell me I'm believing a lie, go for it. My lie is more powerful and more durable then your lie. all the bets will be in when Jesus comes back.

When I say "I love you" & A little bit of purpose

Hello my readers,
I've had a blog post idea in my head for a week and just didn't write. I couldn't figure how to write these things to make sense. But Lord willing my two thoughts will make sense. So here's the first...
When I say "I love you",
 I don't mean to make you squirm. :) I've found myself saying "I love you" and "I love you Jesus fam" a lot in the last few months and have noticed that there are certain people that tend to squirm at such proclamations like I shouldn't say such things when male beings are around. Well friends let me just explain what I mean and don't mean. I don't mean romantic love. I mean I want the best for you! I want Jesus for you. If I see you are wrong I will confront you, and expect the same in return. I mean that no matter what I'll be ready to stick to ya as my Jesus family, the way that Jesus has/does love me. Ready to give grace and forgiveness. Ready to walk through life with you.
I have been blessed to come from a broken home where family wasn't a good thing. Blessed? Yes, blessed. Because my home life was rough the love of Jesus and His family is so beautiful and warm to me. I want to pass on the love that I encounter in Christ with all those around me. My past helps me adore what God has given me in Jesus family. When I yell out an "I love you" I'm telling you I'm ready to stick with you through thick and thin like Jesus does with me.

A Little Bit of Purpose
One morning on the way to work someone on the radio was asking "what do you want people to say about you when you die?" Maybe that you were the most gracious person, or a willing servant. Then this idea formed... I wonder. I wonder if the gospel can be put on display loud and clear by being single and living in gospel community. By living real and honest with your community like they are blood family. We are the family of God so, lets just totally act like it! There's a Psalm (68:5-6) that says God puts the lonely in families. When I think about Midtown and Mill City, I can't help but smile. Yep! I'm single and yep I have prayed and prayed for companionship. But something so sweet that I have learned in the past years is that I am surrounded by a loving and caring family. My life doesn't look the way I thought I wanted it to, but I'm not lonely. I have a family that knows me deeply and still loves me! I have a place to be honest when I struggle but seriously y'all! I'm thinking there is a lot of purpose for singles in the body of Christ and it's just as beautiful as marriage.

Did that make sense?

mumblings after a sad movie

broken people
watching broken people
hoping someone will stop
stop and say hello
that will turn to an 'I love you'

will they stay together
all the way?
see-saw... watch the broken see-saw
tipping in the cracking dawn
watch the swirling orange leafs fall

together
things they fall apart
together.
do broken people
come together to mend the dark?

will we see
one day be made whole?
will be golden rays for me
for you
will you see
that things won't always be
happy.

we're living in a broken world
things won't shine all the time
hearts come and they crash down
and sometimes kill the start

but I -- I am sure there must be
SUNSHINE
sunshine a mist the clouds of night.

though tears fall
though hearts break
though wind blows
and shadows turn to nightmares
that tear and break us down.

though sin should take a knife
though ill will strike a fight
and evil kills at night
there's something more
something stronger then ten thousand broken throngs

There's love
Love comes quickly
love is kind
and honest
holds the broken
mending people
healing, healing, healing

oooooh
But wait a minute dear
don't get so fluttered
love isn't what you think
it's not romance
that will make you dance
you'll see

it's steady faithful love
it's tougher then all evil nights
it'll set you straight when you're wrong
though you might not like that word or song
I promise from my core
that love that's true
and love that's real
from Christ alone
can heal that broken steal

He brings the warfront to the light
and shatters bonds which hold us fast
but my dear  we still live in broken homes
til His light
flashes one last time
and trumpets calls this family home.
so go
go to the broken
open up the dawn of love that lasts
cry when it's sad
be real
and don't forget
you are from a broken past
but He has made you well
to this you can attest

He knows the plans

Today was a day. Whew, so glad it's over. In the last crush i had (yep, you know I got talk about boys some), God taught me soooooooo much. It was a rough crush to say the least but I don't know how else God would have taught me everything He did without all the strangeness off it. To say at least a little more there were some spirits at work that were not of Jesus parading around acting like God (according to 2 Corinthians 10 or 11 they do that, don't they).  But through it all God was at a deep work in my heart, growing me in trust of Him and changing a lot of my perspectives on things. One of the things that changed was doubt. When I met said crush - will call him Frank - all of a sudden I realized that even if Frank wasn't my future husband and things didn't go as I hoped God knew exactly what was going on. Even though I thought maybe Frank was "the one", I became sure that God loves me and knows the plans.
So I don't need to go around day dreaming about the future and how it will work out and worrying "OMG, i'm gonna mess it up if I don't plan the perfect things to say to every possible thing that could happen." God's got my life. I am secure in Him. I can rest in peace about the future. The Lord holds it.

Today though I started thinking about another guy (we'll call him Buddy), so i was thinkin about Buddy tooooo much and praying that I would stop it already! Haven't I had enough crushes to last the rest of my life?
Maybe so. So then this afternoon I was thinking what can I think about instead? I have Hosea 2:14-18 up in my cubical and read 2 Corinthians 10 and 11 this morning and something in chapter 11:2-3 Paul is talking to the church saying he wanted to be able to present them to their Husband, present this bride pure to her husband but he wouldn't be able to because she's been deceived like Eve.
sounds a lot like me doesn't it? I start thinkin about a boy thinking that if I daydream about him my aches and pains will disappear. Or that I can do this life on my own without Jesus, all the while running to my idols for comfort, healing, and dreams to be completed. When its just a deception. If I were to marry my life doesn't just become "happily ever after" I keep living with struggles with a man until Jesus comes back or takes me home. Its a deception that I believe that all my pains will be healed by ignoring it.
It's a lie that I can make my life better by daydreaming pain away, because in so doing I lack healing and miss out on what the Lord has for me to do and be today.

I remembered that belief I came to while crushing on Frank that God absolutely, 100% knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper and not to harm. God loves me and has His glory in mind. Lord willing Buddy and Frank will be friends of mine. And in the Name of Jesus I will trust Him with the future even when it hurts and I don't understand or find it easier to worry. (sigh) Jesus help!

Need for Security

     At the end of the day what have I been holding onto for security?

A new job? Money? A husband? Really? If I get any of these things will I be more content? Getting out of debt last year has proved to me that I am a poor manger of money; unless I have solid consequences saving is not my strong suit!  More money in my account and being able to buy whatever whenever hasn't really made me more happy.

I was thinking at the end of yesterday, God wants my heart. So then if God wants my heart and He wants to be my security. Then what is all this other stuff?

If I am poor is God not rich enough? Can He not provide well enough? Did He not provide a North Face fleece to me for $5 a few years back? Every time I've prayed for an item He gives and gives name brands, cheaply. How is He not the best provider?

If I am weak and my body is broken is He not my strength? Can He not hold me through again like when I was a runner and needed to pee? Can He not heal my heart again like He did hundreds of times in Recovery and in these last 5 months?

If I am single for life can He not be my comfort? Is God not a deep and true friend to me? I may not ever have sex, but can God not hold me together and hold me steady in Him? Can He not give me the means to get house hold things accomplished without a man? Has He not given me a family I can ask for help from? Can He not satisfy you, Vicki?

 

Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall but those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. Isaiah40:31 ...Daddy God help me wait on Your timing in my life and worries. Renew my strength, please Dada!

What Vicki says when she doesn't know what to say!

I want to write a blog tonight however I don't. I wan't sing a song but my mind keeps going back to the idea of writing a novel.
I'm afraid to write out this story in my head because it cuts deep into my heart. It makes me cry. You love me like this? I'm such a wretch! I can't do enough for You Baba God! But there is hope, because You already did enough...You ask me to trust. The promise of the gospel that could possibly be strung through it makes me want to write.

I have some many saved posts that I haven't published because of the painful stories behind the learning. This mighty warrior King Jesus has fought for my soul and won. Not only has He captured me but He has won my love... Though He is a better lover then I. He is incredibly more faithful then I.

But alast I must retire! But I must say peeps! I LOVE Jesus because He knows what He is doing in this life! And don't none of us ever listen to any spirit that isn't of Jesus! They LIE! Test the spirits my friends! And freaking don't repeat the lies to yourself that they use to whisper in your ear. If you have learned that something is not scriptural or helpful that you've been believing then dastardly DON'T keep repeating! Don't listen to lies my friends. Listen to truth from Jesus. Get to know you're Savior King, when we know Who and what we're about it makes decisions more clear. Keep getting to know our sweet savior Jesus Christ. He is endless. We will never know Him completely. He is full of surprises! I love it!
I was reading in 2 Corinthians 1 this morning an didn't get very far... I got to verse 3&4 which struck me with the reality that God is compassionate and comforting. I've know that He is comforting from experance but I'd never really thought about it as just a common fact about God. Everybody just says "God is love". Well peeps why don't we ever say God is compassion or God is comfort? We dissect what "love" means, ought we not also dissect compassion and comfort to know who God is an what He's like?

anyways... Good night friends.

I don't know...

I don't know where I'm to go
I don't know who I will be
I don't know what the next step should be
But I know, I know, I know You're here with me

I can't see where You're leading me
I can't tell where I will be
I don't what use You have for me
But I know, I know You are good to me

I am small
I am weak
I've got nothing in this world to give
But I know, I know, I know You are strong, I know You are good, You love

I am lost, I am afraid
I am naked and ashamed
They say I should be so many things
But You say no, no, no. I am Yours

I can't see You
But You see me
My heart is breaking
Your hands they heal me
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
But You know me

I am weeping, feeling depleted
I am naked and cold
I have nothing for my Savior that's worth giving
Why would You use a sinner like me?

All You ever say is You are loving, You are strong
You came. You died and rose to bring glory to You're name
To save a broken, dying race, to give them life
To make use of the useless

But Lord? Is it a hoax?
You give me life so I can give it back?
What else will You give, that I will only give back?
Does my having even for a moment make it better?
Is there any way to prove my worth?

I know it's all for Your glory
You are unfailing
You are direction
You are the everything I truly need

Because these lies - the spirits they lie
They say now that I live, I need to build on what You did
To prove me without You, that I deserve You
But if it's all about You, then it's better that I'm nothing without You.

But I still don't know what my future holds
What dreams should I dream
Tomorrow what shall I do to bring You glory
How do I make You bigger without a dream? Without money?

Your power is made perfect in my weakness
Your grace is sufficient for my worthless
These lies, I should never ever listen!!!
There is NOTHING on earth that You can't understand

No feeling of mine that You have never been dealt
No temptation I get that You never got
You had it all fly at Your face
Yet never did You dwell, never did You fail
No sin. No despair, no shaking fists in the air!

So here in Your Word every day to the year
You preach have no fear
"I will uphold you with My right hand"
Have no fear or despair there's a God you can trust.

random thought

I've really been enjoying writing and have looked in freelance writing but honestly there seems to be a ton of opportunity to practice write by writing a novel but not a whole by write practical real life stuff... which what i'd like to write about. 

But you know how people say you can't live life doing your best not to make mistakes cause HEY we're human we're gonna for sure 100% going to make mistakes. So live life unafraid, knowing you'll make mistakes. Making mistakes is a fact of life. But you have a choose to learn from you're mistakes. When you choose not to learn from them that is the biggest mistake of life and so trying to not make mistake is a better take. 

So. With the fact of life that I make mistakes. And with last seven months of learning... I had this random thought tonight. I could write a novel using the lessons I've learned and the idea of a name I thought up was:

The Whisper of a King in the Valley of Achor. I know that's really long but it would be coming from Hosea 2:14-20.

So that is my random thought. We will see what comes of it. I will need to pray through this a lot and research more on Hosea. and Jesus! :) (sigh!) I love Jesus and the Bible and I love learning about and getting to know God better it's just a very hard thing to be disciplined! 

Irritations...

Do you have have one of those people enter into your day that juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust irritates you?
I went to a christian book store today on lunch and I knew - kinda - that I was walking into an annoying situation because there's this cashier who's really talkative and reeeeeally really slow at ringing up your order that works there. So I was all relived to walk in and learn that even though that lady still works there, there's a new guy too. Great! May he'll ring me up!
No, sadly no. As she got going into a story about how clever she was with her niece in her soft fast past voice my impatience started building in my throat. I really wanted to scream at her Lady, I'm on lunch break. I have 15 minutes until I need to be sitting back in my cubical but you with your story - that I don't care about - and you're one finger typing with five seconds at least between to find the new keys....! Gaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuh! Lady you're driving me insane! For real! Stop talking and finish the job!
When I finally got to walk out to my car, I found my other side scolding me.
Really, Vicki, really? Since when did you not ann oy God? How come you're the great judge today?
Shut up! I don't have be all loving right now! Let me simmer in my anger, I don't have to be a sweet nice Christian ALL the time!
You know this is going to ruin your day if you let yourself "simmer".
I don't care! I'll cry and confess tomorrow! Some people just deserve a good yelling!
You really want to simmer on this for the next four hours?
No! I'll just think about something else. ...

Side note... in recent days when I go off in the daydream land I catch myself and to me to "Enjoy these moments" because I only get them once and the only place I really have to be right now is here.
So I tried to tell myself  "Enjoy these moments" which turned into a prayer

Jesus, I'm NOT enjoying these moments! In fact I don't like them.
Which turned me toward Jesus... irritations somehow become less big when you tell Jesus about them.
I'd bought a 365 days of Prayer for Women with devotionals written by women like Elisabeth Elliot, Elizabeth George, and Beth Moore. I had no idea of that when I picked up the book... I was just drawn to it and am so delighted to have it.
It wasn't my most favorite lunch break episode ever but Dada reminded me that I'm a sinner, and totally humbled me with the prayer for today. From Proverbs 16:23
E. Elliott talked about words can heal or words can destroy. Words can help or harm. Ouch! If only I could train my mind to heal and help instead of tearing down and destroying others. 

Love as I have loved...

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34-35

In my reading this morning I came across these verses. In house church we've been studying what is the church, or what does the church look like. A week or so ago these verses were read and talked about. One of the guys was like "I hate these verses. I honestly just don't like laying down my life for others." We all kinda laughed but its true isn't it? We don't like putting ME aside for YOUR sake.
Daddy God has been teaching me about His love for me this summer. It's been hard and painful. I don't want to put myself up here as some one amazing or say anything that would get back to people so, Reader, if you know me then pretend for this read you don't! I'm just some girl whose blog you read.  Thank you.

A few weeks ago the pastor/leader at house church reminded me that I had said I was willing to help lead a group when ours got to big and needed to split. (uh he needs a name... we'll call him, Larry) So Larry was telling me "It's time for you to go be a leader". And I was like  "NOoooooooooooooo! I like Suzanna, your wifey a lot! I want to stay! Can I pray about it again? Do I have to leave?" I didn't tell Larry this but I also wanted stay because of a boy. Larry assured me that it was fine to pray some more. So with that I went home and started whining to the Lord about my life and why I wanted to stay in Larry&Suzanna's group and didn't it just make sense Lord that I stay? But ending prayers with You're will not mine soon turned some tables. I remember praying one afternoon and hearing a whisper Vicki, I'm asking you love others as I have loved you. Lay down you're wants and desires for My sake, allow Me to work in each person's life without your interference.
I realized that leaving with the new group I will not only get to love others, but also I'm letting that boy alone... I'd be putting his needs and God's will above my own. Humbling myself is an act of love like Christ.

I will probably learn more from these verse in years to come, but for now I'm learning that to love like Christ and look like Him with my Jesus family is to lay myselfish desires aside so that others may grow. Making others more important then myself.
Painful! But I have so much peace when I obey. So much comfort in the Holy Spirit because He loves me, looks out for me and Daddy God knows best. He knows the pain of laying yourself aside, because He did it for me. He won't ask me to do something He's not willing to do Himself.  The Holy Spirit is my sweet support. And I will follow Him.

Learnage

     Okay, so there was some Jesus convicting Vicki on Tuesday or Wednesday that I mentioned on my face book wall that I keep remembering and I just wanted to write about it. So here it goes!


      Well, on Tuesday I was thinking through somethings and listening to a sermon on addictions. The preacher challenged that at the root of every addiction is an idol, at the root of every "unbreakable" sin struggle there is an idol. I have one of those unbreakable's and have recently started calling it an addiction. It's called daydreaming. You might say everybody daydreams, it's no big deal. But to me and my relationship with Jesus, it's a big deal. I have a really hard time being emotional present and driving is a bit dangerous at times. So yes, I would say it's an addiction. So thanks to the sermon I started digging deeper. What am I appeasing when I daydream? What am I looking for? Where am I not trusting Jesus to be my savior? Is Jesus at all what I'm looking for?
     Often the reason I'm daydreaming is I'm avoiding something, normally pain - physically or emotional. The majority of the daydreams are about people and they always think I'm wonderful! (I think I may have heard you just giggle Reader! Maybe you lol-ed?)
     So I'm constantly seeking comfort and acceptance. I also crush on boys a lot and idolize dating and marriage. I'm constantly looking for male approval. Love, approval, acceptance, comfort. Yep, that sounds about right!

     So let me think about this... if I'm a Christian that means what? That Jesus died on the cross for me. He died the death I deserved to reunite me with His Father, God. Not only reunite us but that through Jesus' death I might be given full son-ship! I have been adopted as God's Son, so that when God looks at me, He doesn't see a wretched, broken, rebellious sinner. NO! God see Jesus. What does God think of Jesus? Have you read John 17 recently? God the Father LOVES Jesus. They are one. Because I am in Christ Jesus, when God looks at me He sees Jesus. So God the Father LOVES Vicki in Christ!
Yeah. Because of Jesus, I don't have to go chasing love anymore - I already have more then enough poured out all over me! I already am loved.

     Because of Jesus I am accepted into His family. I'm a dastardly sinner, I know I'm gonna sin against God and my friends and I'm totally afraid of being kicked out of community. But I am in Jesus. When I sin He forgives me and because others in the Jesus community are in Jesus, they will forgive me too. We as a community will walk through life together - life isn't just easy stuff. When babies learn to walk they fall a lot. Each time we as human learn something new we fail a lot. When sinners walk in Jesus centered community together... we fail each other, a lot! (huge sigh) I've already failed new Jesus fam a lot! But because of Jesus there is room for me to ask for forgiveness and make amends. And you know what? I'm not the only one who fails. So Jesus and my community knows that I will fall. I think God created community to show off His love for us. Jesus centered community forgives because in Christ they have been forgiven. I am accepted despite my broken self. Because of Jesus, I get to sit back and watch Him work out His redemption.

Because I am in Christ I am justified. I don't have chase approval of man... my worth and everything are covered and satisfied in Jesus Christ!

And comfort? (sigh)! life isn't comfortable, and especially not comfortable in Christ. But I've found that when I'm hurting or sad the Holy Spirit is the ultimate comfort. I can't explain that farther... I don't know how. He just does, His Spirit ministers to mine. He teaches me how to walk this life with Him instead of fighting to do it on my own.

...

Through pain and sorrow
You are the my comfort Love
You are my Love for life

I cannot fully understand You're plans
I cannot see You face to face
I often cry for Your embrace
For Your helping hand

I often think I'm falling down
But You say You will not let my foot slip (psalm121)
My heart is aching out of misunderstandings
and my own sins
But all You keep saying is

I love you!
I love you!
I love you in this way!
You are My bride
that dated other lovers
leaving you naked and bleeding to die.
But here I am!
I'm your Savior
I'm your Lover

He picks me up
He heals my wounds
He tells me how much He loves me
and I scream "stop! don't You see how I've treated You!"
You must hate me now
Please leave me to die.

I am your refuge
Your sweet embrace
I came so that you might have life
I love you and that will never change
No my bride, My love will never change!

To God be the Glory

God's glory has become something of a theme in what He has been teaching me recently. Glory to God first. Does my life glorify my Jesus?
Do my heart motives glorify Daddy God?
Mostly I've found myself praying Baba, I know what I want, but what do You want? What brings You most glory in this situation?
I don't always know. Mainly here lately what brings Him glory is me laying down my will for His, and just waiting on Him to move. Waiting is the hardest thing. Waiting unsettles me. But unsettled makes me trust my God... Which He has been weeding out other gods in my life because those idols are instant gratifying. But the instant answers don't satisfy. They don't last and in the end the break and harm. But Jesus. Jesus brings healing in the waiting, brings deeper trust in these times.
His glory is what I want. His will is what I wish for in my life - but Lord! This just hurts sometimes.
But He is faithful! In Jesus' Name, the Lord is faithful and righteous. When I've got nothing left, because of Christ Jesus in me... I'm at my best.

Two Gifts, One Savior

    Wedding bells peal madly in the summer, don't they? Ma and I were talking one day and she mentioned she'd been invited to a wedding with a follow up of I don't know how long it's been sense I went to a wedding! While I sat there thinking There hasn't been one summer in the last seven years I haven't gone to at least one wedding! This summer nearly broke the record with just a reception and a fall wedding, which I attended today.
   
     I was remembering today being a little girl going to weddings thinking they were so magical! So beautiful! A girl became a damsel in distress and in marched Prince Charming, battled the evil, nasty dragon, saved the sweet maiden from her fate and carried her to her Papa's home where he courted her; proved his love and worthiness to her father. Then a week later, with the towns people rejoicing through singing, laughing, dancing, and clanging of pots and pans Prince Charm and the beautiful girl magically were wed in a church without any stressing over wedding planning. It just happened and sometimes my family and I got to go watch! As a child I was absolutely sure that getting married was the key to happiness, I was sure life would be easier if only I was married.

     I remember turning 21 and crying the week of my birthday because I wasn't anywhere close to having even a boyfriend. Never dated. Never been kissed. Never been asked out. Never, never, never. Would I be single forever? Why would God be so mean? Why would He make some people to be single and other marriage just came as easy as spreading butter? What was the trick to getting married without getting desperate? Or at least without looking desperate? I remember crying because I felt like I was expected to be married by now. I was letting everybody down. But also I still believed that marriage was the key to my future happiness. It was my Golden Ticket. My husband would be my savior and make all things right or at least bearable in my life and past pain. So where was he already?

     If you read my blog much you already know that I don't still believe that marriage is the key to happiness. I still waffle back and forth though. I found myself praying again this week Lord, please, if You have someone for me please bring him soon.
At the wedding today I didn't cry, it didn't really sting, I wasn't jealous, I understood the practicalities of it but still am very glad to see my friends getting married. I know it isn't romantic, but watching my sweet red head friend wed that man I use to wait with til his girl was done getting ready, all I could think was This is right. This is practical. They are going to grow so much in Jesus together. This is so good. God has great timing. They have so much more life to live. 

     Another thought started forming that I'm still trying to nail down. Just like it is the right time for Anna&Brain to be wed, it is the right time for me to be single. The Lord is fulfilling the roles that I need Him too. He is my Baba Daddy not only standing in for my deceased earthly father but also covering every bit of fatherhood my earthly dad couldn't. Providing and loving me every step of the way. But God is also my husband, my comfort, my protector/provider, my sweetest/closest friend, the one being that confronts me the most, that one male I respect the most, my most intimate friend/confidant, and emotionally my lover. Being single has brought me closer to Jesus. Being single I've found to be a sweet gift. I've needed this time so badly to be this close with Him. Singleness is a good and practical gift. Just like marriage is a good and practical gift.

     I saw a friends Facebook status earlier this week saying how so many years ago that day he had traded his single man burdens and trails for a married man's burdens and trails. He was thankful for both. He is still growing in Christ, now he is growing in Christ continued plus with his bride by his side for life.
Life in Christ is growth. Growing in relationship with Jesus and then spreading that around to everybody we meet. Growing in relationships with community and showing those friendships with Jesus and His gospel. Which means more growth.
Singleness is a gift that has pushed me deeply into the bosom of Christ.
Marriage is a gift which will push me more deeply into Christ.
Singleness doesn't make me a better person or give me "the free/good life". Jesus gives me definition. Jesus makes me better and gives my life meaning and purpose.
Marriage won't satisfy me. Only Jesus satisfies. Only Jesus can be the best thing that ever happens to us.

With both gifts we tend to forget and idolize our situations, but both single and married alike are in need of a Savior. Both need Some One to hold them together when everything falls apart. We need Jesus. Because of sin we will struggle a lot in this life, but if Jesus is your Savior then it doesn't matter - in riches or poviority, in sickness and in health Jesus is enough, the Lord provides, God answers prayers. He is our kinsman redeemer. Every time. He has His beloved brides back!

What Breaks Your Heart?

This song by Scott Krippayne has been in my head recently. Have a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnUGl6IOZE0

This summer has been a strange string of lessons on Christ love for His bride. He's been giving me real and personal pictures so that I'd understand His love for me and us (the church). This weeks lesson was poignant.
I've had a lot of crushes in my life. None of the guys really ever liked me back. Most of them didn't even know I cared and started dating some other chickadee and my heart would be crushed! So disappointed. Angry! Hurt. Sad. Confused.

I had another crush this summer. And for whatever reason the Lord had some major teaching He decided to do through this deal. Welp, said Crush is now taken for serious gone (to me) now.
Disappointed. Embarrassment. Hurt. Sad. Confused. But while I was processing the news and praying through it the Holy Spirit dropped a bomb. Basically to the effect of Vicki, when you choose your sins over Me, you are dating your sin. It breaks My heart to see you leave Me. When you know how to obey but deliberately chose your sin over Me, you are loving... you are being intentional with your sin, like a man pursuing a woman for marriage.  You are hurting Me like you are hurting about that guy.
The crazy thing is that even though I run so far and fast from God He still comes and woo's me back to Himself like it's the first time! The cross is not too weak for my prostitution.
So what breaks Baba God's heart? What make Him cry? My sin.

One more thought, I was just crying about a lot broken relationships in my family asking Baba, What do You think of all this?
The whisper replied: It breaks My heart.
Me: Are you of Jesus?
The Whisper: Yes, Jesus Christ was crucified for sins. It breaks My heart.

My sin - my leaving Him and refusing to trust Him - breaks His heart.
The sins we commit against our families and friends, when sin divides and breaks us apart. It breaks His heart.

If You Are My Shepherd...

If You are my Shepherd then You know when I limp
You probably already know my stubborn ways
The way I tend to disobey
I know You are God so totally You saw me fall
Now I'm dragging my broken leg behind
Thinking I can do this
I don't need to bother Baba God with my mistakes
But if You are my Shepherd
You call to me Stop. Be still.
Please let Me near you. 
But I stubbornly bite You then limp away
Worsening my condition, believing I can do this better then Jesus
You are my Shepherd
You see me fall behind the fold
You see me grasping for painless breath
I break Your heart with my pride
With my continued disobedience
My lack of trust

But if You are my Shepherd
There's no way You're going to leave me
You will grab me up vigorously
You will be stronger then my fight
You can totally pin me down till I'm too tired to fight
Your love is unfathomable
I nailed You to the cross again today
But Your plan is to heal and grow me
You forgive
You are patient
You see and understand the future
When I sin I drive a wedge between us
When You forgive
When You heal
You bind us tighter together

Holy Spirit,
Help! I'm not any good at obeying or trusting. Just help. You are my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

I don't understand
But I know Your love

I don't understand
But I know You're good

My view is cloudy
My heart is breaking
I have dreams Lord!
Can't You see that?
Dreams!

You're slowing my progress!
My dreams would glorify You
Wouldn't they?
The long way to my dreams is harder
But I know that my trust in You would be
Stronger.

Will You make me bleed?
Do You really like holding me when I
Cry?
You don't mind
No, You don't mind.
(Just like I don't mind holding Tate when he screams and cries for an hour cause I'm not his Mommy. I love the fact that I get to babysit even when he cries cause I know one day he'll trust me, one day he'll be older and we'll play catch when I come babysit. I get to tell'im about Jesus when I come visit. I love his parents, they are good friends. I love Tate. And the love for him and his parents is based on Jesus. I don't need anything from them. It's just free.)
So no Daba God
You don't mind holding me when I cry!
It may take Tate a long time to trust me
But I'll be persistent
It may take me a long time to trust You Da
But You'll be more persistent!
You know I'm going to scream and cry
ALOT!
You know that I won't understand
most of the time.
But You're teaching me to
Trust
And when I walk in faith
And not by sight
You are glorified.
Even when it hurts.

The Seed and The Maker

( For those of us who worry and doubt that our lives make a difference. And for those of us who doubt we're anything special in this big wide world.)

     Today I went to a Ladies Luncheon with my Ma. Afterward Ma led me into the church's children's library with the statement "There's something I want to show you."
She went straight for the far bookshelf picked up a book and said "See this book? You need to read this!" The books title was The Trellis and The Seed by Jan Karon.
Realizing that my critical side was alive and well - This is stupid. Just nod and walk away. You won't like it. It's probably a softy book that'll make you cry. I offered to read the kids book to Ma (knowing that my critic might win if I didn't and also knowing I LOVE reading children's books aloud). She agreed and we sat down.

The book did make me cry. The Seed didn't think he could become a tall beautiful flowering plant with a wonderful fragrance. But the Seed's friend, the Earth, kept right on encouraging the Seed - God knows what is coming. God knows what He is doing. Just wait.
It made me cry because it was like Baba God was talking to me. Reminding me of a few things.

I know where I have planted you

I know where you have come from and I have a plan

I have planted you exactly where I want you

You will be a blessing in this place

I know those that you will be a blessing to

I have this figured out, My daughter

You are worried that you have ruined My plans, but I Am telling you I knew that was coming. I am fixing it up nice. I will bless you through this.

Beloved, I know the plans I have for you. The plans to prosper and not to harm you.

It isn't by accident that you are going to the Mill City Church plant

It isn't by accident that you feel out of place sometimes or that you are as blunt as you are. I have a grand design. I have a special path for you.

You are My darling child and I know and love you.

Sometimes I plant things just to show off My glory, don't worry about weather I'm making you into something useful or just beautiful. I am your Maker. I will get glory from your life.

Follow Me beloved. I have you where I want you.

Hope

I know a God Who made all things

I know a King Who never sleeps

Never does His children ill

He is a God to be trusted still

I know a Love that never leaves

I know a Peace that holds me firm

Throughout this lifes ups and down

Jesus remains my surest ground

I know the God Who plans my life

I know a Spirit guides my days

He does not leave, it's me that runs

When I'm afraid His best is undone

I know my Savior good and kind

I know King Jesus does redeem

Things that were done and left undone

He has no qualms on our darkest days

I know a Spirit that sees me cry

I know a God with big strong arms

Holds and protects me all life long

Teaches and guides my foot along dark paths

I know a King Who wears a crown

I know King Whose robe is white

He's coming back to take me home

Home to His presents  forevermore

Just Like A Second Grader

People were bringing little children to Jesus to have Him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, He was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them. ~ Mark 10:13-16

I was trying to read all the way through Mark 10 this morning but I always get stuck on the above passage. What struck me this morning was that Jesus was indignant at His disciples. Stop! Imagine with me. When I feel indignant with someone i'm like "What? You guuuuuuuuuuuys! No! No! Not cool. Not cool at all." I think when I've heard this read in the past it's been like there's lullaby music in the background and you imagine sheep and little girls wear pink bows in their hair and Jesus is this well manicured man saying in a gentle voice "Let the little children come to Me. And do not forbid them, for such is the kingdom of God." But He could have just as easiely been saying "Look at those beautiful clouds and birds? John, come tell me about fishing. One day there are going to be things called marsh mellows as white as clouds."
Uh... like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! that's not it at all! Jesus was like "DUDE! What are you doing? What the freaking heck man? Let the kids come! For crying out loud, are you serious!?!"
So that was one thing that struck me this morn.

The other thing is that every time I read this passage I think about "...anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it" what does that mean? I always end up thinking about the idea to trust Jesus like little children, which turns to when I helped with a day camp with second grade girls. Little kids are so accepting of adults, so loving and admiring. The little girls that week were all about running up behind me, grabbing my hand to walk with me, sitting on my lap, wanting to sit next to me at lunch, asking for peggy back rides, and all in all just wanting to be right there with me. They trusted me and wanted to tell me all about their exciting things and how much they loved their parents.
Basically it didn't matter what we were doing or where we were going they wanted to be with their camp leaders.
They would ask where we were going and when they found out that was great for them! And they were like "Yay! We're going to arts and crafts! Wanna play 'I spy' on the way?"
Where as here in Vicki's adult head when God tells me, "You will be doing such and such..." I'm like "Oh crap! I'm not going to be any good at that! How do I prepare? I need to make a list of 29 hundred things of how too's before I do this one thing for the Lord!" When that's totally me trusting in my own strength and not trusting God to work out His plan, not trusting God that He's got this under control/ under wraps.
So today I learned Jesus was like "What the crap, guys! Lets the children come to Me! Oh and p.s. learn to follow Me and trust me like these small munchkins do! This is how you will find peace."

You Don't Leave When I Say 'Amen'

Sticking to me

like You ain't got no where else to be

I say a quickie 

then shut You out of my mind

with an 'Amen'

But You said You'd never leave

And You never leave.

I say I'm gonna pray with my friends

and trust You'll be here when I pray

but as soon as I'm done

I figure

I act like

You're gone!

And You cried:

Pray!

Beloved, pray

Learn what it means to get Me!

Learn Who I am

when you don't get your way.

Come to Me, baby, 

Come.

 Tooooooo Me!

Short years fly away

And he was what I thought I needed.

I poured my heart out 

on my sleeve

crying: Daddy God! Just fix'em him

up, just right for me!

You said 'No,

I didn't make him for you. 

But you will grow from this yet, Dear.

You will grow'.

Deeper, You know me deeper!

Deeper! You love me deeper

Then any handsome man could ever!

You've come into the darkest nights!

You've held me when I cried!

And You have made Us deeper,

deeper still!

In these last days 

All I've known is You.

You are my Love forever!

You are here with me!

Everywhere.

All the time.

Holy Spirit, I can't relax,

come sleep with me.

Daddy, I can't focus

please sit beside me in this pew!

How do I pray? I can't find the words!

You hear me anyway,

Holy Spirit can translate.

I'm so afraid, an I can't break these chains!

Oh! But You can. 

I can't be my savior

But You are!

I say 'Amen' with my friends

But secretly smile

Cause You are

You are here at hand!

You know my ways

You know my thoughts

You're here always!

I can't push You gone

Though I may wish You'd leave

You're still right here

with me.

No thought can make You

disappear!

No action could make You

less real!

No conversation, no lies

will ever make You coward!

You're God.

You're real.

You're always here.

My bestest Friend

Best thought all day

My Comfort, in tears

My Laughter and Joy

My Food for thought

My Courage

My Hand to hold

My Love for life.

Glory to God In Singlehood

Other title: The Gospel On Display in the Single Life

But first a word on marriage:
Marriage is a picture of the gospel on display, the same way Christ loves the church the groom loves his bride. The same way Christ forgives His bride, the bride and groom forgive each other in their lives together.
But in marriage the man won't ever be able to completely satisfy his wife.
In marriage the woman won't ever be able to completely satisfy her husband.
The two will never be able to know each other completely or love each other fully.
They will never be exactly what the other needs. Why? Because as humans, guess what? We are sinners. A sinner can't fix a sinner! We will only make each other our idol and brake their heart and ours in the process. We are sinners who need a Savior.

Back to Single life:
Singlehood is the gospel on display in a Christians life! What? Wait! Now, Vicki, you just said that about marriage! Not sure you can say this about single life. Um... like. YEAH I can! Because as a single woman who has longed for marriage, idolized marriage, dispised marriage, and longed for again I have learned a secret that married and single people alike need to remember. That is that Jesus can fulfill my all my desires. Often it will look different in a single life then that of a married. The family that I have always longed for has ended up being my Jesus family. My longings and my heart might actually be the same as any married woman out there! To be loved fully and well. To be known intimately. To be cherished, protected, and provided for. All of these things can be found in a deep and sweet relationship with Jesus Holy Spirit.

Jesus is the Savior we need. Jesus ultimately satisfies. Jesus knows each of us completely -- His knowledge goes deep down into our souls and way back into our past, even what we were thinking in our hardest times. Jesus loves and understands His children better then any spouse ever could or will ever try.

The first question of the Shorter Catechism is: What is the chief end of man? Answer: Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him  forever.
Why'd I bring this up? Because I believe that as we grow closer to Jesus and live out life in gospel communities and share these relationships with the world around us we will be glorifying and enjoying Christ. We still sinners. We are still going to fail and fall flat on our faces, but these time--when living in community and infront of unbelievers--are great displays of the gospel of Jesus. That He came, loved broken people who NEED Him, died the death they deserved and forgave them. Giving us hope and pulling us up out of the mud to live life again in Him.
God doesn't change when we do. Our relationship with Holy Spirit doesn't have to change with our circumstances.
A friend once said to me: If you aren't satisfied now, you won't be satisfied in marriage. That is a great encouragement to me that my relationship with Christ really is what is most, best, always be what I need.
So single (or married) girls out there, go forth! Grow in your relationship in our Lord Jesus Who has set you free from the law of sin and death! Cling tight to the Truth of the Bible! Glorify Him in your days, and live life in light of the gospel. Test every thought against the gospel. 

Day 30

to readers
so today would be day 30, however some personal things came up and i need push off the last day blog until Friday or Saturday.
so until then!
Vicki

Confronting is a Good Thing

Growing up I saw my parents fight all the time but I never (I'll give'em the shadow of a doubt and say rarely ever) saw my parents apologize to each other or extend forgiveness. My sister and realized this in high school and thought it strange that we went to church every sunday but we had no idea what forgiveness really looked like or what it means to "drop it" like really not have anything between us any more because of forgiveness. 

I learned a few years ago that when Jesus died on the cross that was God putting all my sin on Jesus, that was God putting all my Dad, Mom, brothers and sisters sins on Jesus, and double more wow was that Jesus' death was enough to cover not only people who will be saved but every ones. And then on top of all this He rose from the grave to conquer sin and death and then made our lives extra better by not just being willing to take our punishment for sin but to turn around to us and be our best Friend! What the heck? What? Who does that? I mean really.

God does that. Why? Because He wants to have a good relationship with His creation! But we look up at Him and scoff "I don't need You! I can do just as good as You, if not better!" And He knows better that we are human and He is  THE only God, and He STILL wants a good relationship with us. So instead of striking us all down (which is what we deserve) He sent Jesus to take our/my place of punishment. When  God the Father looks at those who have accepted Jesus (His Son) as Savior and Lord He treats us with the same love a Father gives a Son. Like freaking awesome!

So something I've learned in the past years is the way to not repeat my parents marriage is to lovingly confront my friends when I've wronged them or when they've wronged me. And do it ASAP!!! I always have to pray and talk to Daddy God about the situation and repent of anything I've done against Him and then the next step is to go find that friend and either tell them Hey I've wronged you and made our relationship awkward or strained, I was wrong. Will you forgive me? OR I need to go to that person and say Hey this happened or you said this, and I took it that way. Is that what you meant?

Confronting/confessing my sin against others is hard, but there is a peace that comes with putting everything out into the open, putting all your cards on the table - nothing hidden, and not allowing the sin to separate a friendship is so great! Confronting a sin in another is hard too. I guess the scariest thing about confronting/confessing is that fact that you don't know how the other will take it! They could be gracious and work with you or they could totally blow you off and you just lost a friend. When the friend is gracious your friendship just got stronger!

If I ever get married it will be to a man who is my friend, practicing apologizing and reconciling with my friends now will help in married life. 

Not easy at all but worth it! Even on the flip side if the friend doesn't work with you with grace in a situation God calls us to live with peace with every one as far as it depends on us. So if they won't give grace but you've apologized and forgiven what you need to forgive and repent to Jesus, then you're good to go.

See Matthew 18:15-35

Life is a Mist

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that. James 4:13-15

God's been teaching from these verses pretty steadily for the last five years. I have a coworker that every day when we leave instead of saying for sure "See you tomorrow!" she says "God's will, see ya tomorrow!" When I first started sitting in front of her sometimes I say back "God's will" but twice it happened that I didn't, I just assumed that I could bring me back. Both times I woke up sick the next morning. Mmm! God has a way of talking doesn't? I like to think I have this life figured and I know how to run it but, nope! My plans have to pass God's approval. 

My life is a mist... I heard a sermon on this passage last January and was struck with the reality that my life is short in the grand scheme of eternity. Even if my life is the mist from a body spray on somebody it really only last a day which is longer then the wetness stays but really... a day isn't very long either. So I was asked this question, in light of your life being a mist what do you really need to be doing with your life? My answer? Trusting Jesus and loving people closer to Jesus. I get side tracked a lot. I'm learning when I get  caught up in  mess the most healing thing is to remember my creator has a plan for life, I'm not the super star of my life or my friends lives. Our lives are all about Jesus, He is the hero  of the whole story. My life story is to make Him shine brighter and best! That's what this mist wants!

I often think that You Lord are doing my life all wrong. But I see only my story. I see only a simple frame, but You see lives that You are working on. Not just individuals. You are at work on the whole crowd. My plan would harm another, Your plan grows and strengthens all. You see and know the plans. I'm just a dot of paint of Your grand painting. My life is not about me, our lives are not about us. They are about You, Jesus.

My First Husband, My Lord

"Sing, O barren woman, 

you who never bore a child; 

burst into song, shout for joy,

you who were never in labor;

because more are the children of the desolate woman

than of her who has a husband,"

says the  Lord.

"Enlarge the place of your tent,

stretch your tent curtains wide,

do not hold back;

lengthen your cords,

strengthen your stakes.

For you will spread out to the right and to the left;

your descendants will dispossess nations

and settle in their desolate cities.

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. 

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

For your Maker is your husband --

the Lord Almighty is His name --

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

He is called the God of all the earth.

The Lord will call you back 

as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit--

a wife who married young,

only to be rejected," says your God.

"For a brief moment I abandoned you,

but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

Isaiah 54:1-7

Sometimes I get discouraged. Okay be honest Vicki! I've gotten really discouraged in the past about not being married. And in the last days I've wonder what is God DOING? This is not the way I would have worked my life out. Sometimes I want a husband bad... but wait Vicki! What is a husband? A wife's best friend, I think. A protector-provider, someone trusted... trustworthy, leader, encourager, teammate? yes. I think so. Well, God is all of those things...

Friends,

I've been learning in these last 2 weeks that even though I believe that God has called me to marriage, at some point in my life, that until that day comes when a man and I say "I do" I still need to be walking content in Christ as He my husband as if I had no promise. Which can be entirely discouraging, however, God has not called me to know and understand His plan for me but to trust Him and His plan for me. God has reminded me that He is my source of delight. When I feel sad and discouraged He can heal and encourage best. And His comfort and advise are more better then anything I could find anywhere else. If Jesus is all I have for the rest of forever, my soul will be satisfied. My Redeemer, my Maker is my husband through thick and thin. He is personable and real, He makes for a good husband for this girl. :)

and I don't know why but for some reason i need to post this youtube video on here too. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdrRSCL-EL4

Vanity - Pride

In October I got a trainer for the last six months of my gym membership and started working out regularly. And was noticed by men frequently which brought  up a lot of my own insecurities that I didn't know how to handle but on the twist side was a bit proud and flatter that men were noticing me. I talked an obsessed about it to a few friends. Sometime the week between Christmas and New Years a roommate confronted me with something like: Can you please stop talking so much about how men notice you? Men don't notice me and I wish they did, but they don't. When you talk about it so much I start to feel really insecurities. My first (condemning) thought was to tell her she needed more Jesus! But that Holy Spirit said firmly You need to not say that right now. Think about it first.

I have a neighbor who lives in the house next door who enjoys having people over for parties, which is great - I'm all for people having community! However, he isn't very considerate of his neighbors in that sometimes they go off to bars and leave the extra cars at his place and then come back at about midnight to 3am. They are loud upon returning. He is a teacher so he has the summers off, so last year these things happened throughout the week not just weekends. Last night was such a night. I woke up annoyed, I deserve my sleep! They should know better! I shouldn't have to go tell them to hush please, it's 1am!

I made a new friend some months ago but before we became friends I was like  No, I don't make friends with  please like that! I ignore them. 

I was just watching Julie and Julia with a good buddy of mine. When the couples fought I found myself thinking When I get married I would never be so crappy to my husband!  Only to be convicted that yes, Lord I am a sinner. OH. NO! I will be that horrible to my husband and there's nothing I can do to change that! 

I feel so self conscious! Stop noticing!
I deserve the things I want!
I can't hang out with anybody except pretty people!
I would NEVER do x, y, or z!

Really, Vicki? Really? Is that what this life is about? Is your identity really found in these things? These opinions of others? Who are you really? Because these stories make it look like you think you are god. So if you, Vicki-girl, is god then who does that make God Jesus Christ? What exactly has happened to His power? Was it you? Or God Jesus Christ that raised Christ from the dead? Oh...oh, it was God that did that. Yeah, yeah, mmmmm, so Vicki doesn't have that kind of power. Interesting. So who was it that made you pretty? Was it Vicki? Oh? No? It was God? Yes? And who can read thoughts? Oh, right that's only God. So that means that you can stop assuming you know what every man is thinking and humble yourself and ask Holy Spirit to teach you how to live. But while we're here lets just remember that it's God who gives beauty and it's God that takes away. Beauty is a reminder, a steeple, to God's craftsmanship.
Vicki deserves what she wants... well I'm pretty sure she was good with hating God but He pulled her out of darkness to His light in His wholeness. Vicki-girl, don't you see? You deserved Hell outside of Christ, now you are in Christ because of His grace and you need it more then you want it sometimes. And to your never would I ever's... you already have. But the difference between you and God is that you call upon yourself to complete lists and exclude those that don't measure up to your standards, but God as already completed the only list and not one human measures up yet He offers grace to the humble.
I deserve nothing. I have everything already and act like I did it for myself when really God just gave these gifts to me. I'm pridefully taking credit for things I didn't help create.

I'm a child thinking I've made me who I am, I've placed my hope in myself not Jesus... when it has always been God. I wouldn't be here without Him.

Check out Hosea 11:1-9

and

But you must return to your God,

maintain love and justice;

and wait for your God always

Hosea 12:6

Concerning Money

So all growing up I listened to arguments about which spouse should handle money and how that should be done. And I just assumed that since I'm not that great at math that my husband would be the one to handle money matters (cause I was totally getting married at 21 so Mom&Dad could help me out til then and poof! Magic Money Managing Husband would appear and I wouldn't have to worry about it ever again). And then one day there was that friend that got so irritated at my way of thinking she let me know about it

Friend: That's like him saying 'Well I don't need to learn to cook or clean because I'm getting married. My wife will do all the cooking and cleaning'!
Me: Uuuugh! He should totally grow up already and stop being disgusting and starving!
Friend: Uuuugh! You should TOTALLY grow up already and learn how take care of your own money! Gosh!

I was totally offend!!!
I have been so grateful for the offense in the last six years!

Money has been a total stressor for me. I have a few thoughts on how to handle money that I've stuck too and things have gone well. Pay for what you need first then see what's left. So when I started taking care of my money (a finical advisor called it managing your own Person Business) I had two loans, counseling, car payment, rent, utilities, food, fuel, phone, and tithing which I didn't always do. I didn't always tithe because I didn't know how I would have enough left over to eat. I was terrible at handling money at twenty-two but I also wasn't making very much, at one point I was going to get a second job and was seriously looking, but God brought me to an understanding that He cares about His children and He provides best for them. So everytime I got a paycheck I would tithe and pray Lord pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese! please provide everything this month, don't let me be put to shame! I know I have more then kids in Africa but there's so much I need to live here. Please provide! Please! Then I learned to leave that there and expect Him to come through for me. He did.
I wish I could say that I learned how to live on a shoe-string budget, that I know how to coupon and am totally into that... but I can't. Couponing gives me a headache, and I forget to pull them out in time. So
1. Learn along the way that God provides for His children's needs, trust that! Expect it!
2. God  stretches dollars in ways you can't imagine and surprises us with what we need though community
3. Be wise. Get a finical advisor and learn to budget. Stick to it!
4. Don't stress it so much. An older friend of mine puts it like this "What goes around, comes around. Sometimes you have plenty, sometimes you're penniless! The good news is that Jesus always provides what'cha need, when ya need it. And you can bank on that."

I've recently gotten completely out of all debt and I totally thought that this would be easier then being in debt because now I have all this finical freedom. But I've dropped my plan for how to spend and save which has lead me to again call on my finical advisor for help. It's a huge temptation to just spend it all on me, and I've totally done that since being free in October and let me tell you something friend, it isn't very satisfying. Not very satisfying to not have goals, or to just get stuff or eat out all the time because I can.
Jesus is to be my first satisfaction.
I'm learning that being debt free is going to take just as much discipline as being in debt.
I learned in the last six years how to budget while in debt now on to the adventure of learning how to budget out and free. Oh Lord, Help!

Advice from Married Friends

Just be friends.

I like a boy! He's so cute and funny! What should I do to make him like and notice me?

Just be yourself, just be a friend.

I don't know how to be friends with all these guys in my classes! aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! what do I do?

Just be yourself, be a friend.

So what's the point of this whole marriage thing? Why?

Friendship!

(SIGH) I want to get married but don't want to be desperate... but? 

Basically what happens is that you meet someone, you become friends. You both enjoy each other, you both want to spend more time together and then even more time - so that's when you start dating. Then as your friendship grows and things are going well, then you get married.

So basically throw out the whole idea of marriage. Just focus on friendship! Be a friend and grow in Jesus.

Confidence in Christ

 There was a time when I wouldn't go into a store if there wasn't an equal ratio of men and women, or more women then men. If there were too many men, I kept walking and came back for whatever later. I was living in sheer terror of men. 

So what changed? How am I no longer terrified of men?

Romans 8. A lot of Romans 8 reading.

One day at work I was deeply struggling and Romans 8:14 - 17 stuck out to me.

For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you receive brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by Him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs -- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory.

Not a slave to fear. Received the Holy Spirit. Adopted and now called into sonship, I am a daughter of God. I share in His sufferings. I am in Christ! 

So I stopped and pieced that apart ...okay Christ says these things about about me. He is my Daddy. But my earthly dad called me other things...worthless, deceiver, lier, whore, and unlovable.

Earthly dad. Heavenly Dad. 

Earthly dad. Heavenly Dad.

Which one is bigger?

Which one's words will last?

Which one decided thoughts on me without meeting me and kept those thoughts the same?

Which one owns the world.

Um... God. 

Okay i know it's silly but this is where I was at at that time...So since God owns the world, and made it Himself it's His world I'll be trusting and placing my identity on. When my earthly dad gets he's own universe maybe I believe what he says of me. 

But my identity is in Christ because of Romans 8, because of Christ's death on the cross. It took time and lots of reminding myself of these truths, lots of fighting lies but after a while and the Holy Spirits help I believe and trust my full and lasting identity is in Christ Jesus. Christ has set me free from fear of those lies!

Faithful in the Little Things

Growing up my siblings and I had chores every week, mine was to make sure the house hold trash "wasn't overflowing" (lol, you know takin out the trash), we also had a weekly dishes schedule. There were a number of occasion that I remember complaining about my part this is so annoying! I don't want to! Why do I have to do this?
Be faithful in the small things, Mom would say. That honestly didn't help my attitude a whole lot until one day I asked her what she meant. She said something like when you're faithful in the small things God knows He can trust you, that you can handle more or bigger things. 

Something I struggle with is looking to the future thinking When I'm at this point in my life I'll ...be happier, or my life won't be so boring, or whatever. But what I've learned (and stolen from Mom's lesson) is that God has given me a job to do today, or at this time, and He wants me to do it! There are lessons to still be learned in this job He has me doing that will prepare me for the next job, the next thing He has for me. Being faithful right where God has called me can really try my patience, but it grows my relationship with Him and He brings blessings in the normal everyday life that I would totally miss were I always dreaming about the future.

Loving the Sinner Next to You

Love. Not a feeling or a heart flutter, not butterflies in my stomach, not a fantasy or a crush, nothing shallow or light, nothing superficial. Not something you could happen upon or fall into... naaah, not love.
Love is deep and steady, meets you where you are and serves in your sickness and sticks to you at your meanest.
"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
 It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
---Yeah love forgives, love forgives---
"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27

Loving roommates, loud neighbors, and annoying siblings is NOT freaking easy. Somebody once shared with me to think of myself as the difficult person to love, because honestly I am... to Jesus. If we weren't sinners He wouldn't have had to die for us... but He loves us more then enough to die for us and forgive us for that ridiculous sinful life, for that sin that we just can't or don't want to give up.
Or think of it like Matthew 18 where the king forgives the great debt of his slave. Like the forgiven slave I'm to forgive those that have offended me, that have debt against me.
I've learned that loving someone can be hard. Love is ready forgiveness. Ready reconciliation. Ready grace. Loving is really easy when there is no conflict, but it grows deeper and better when there is. Sometimes the person you're called to love doesn't reciprocation after confrontation but I'm still called to forgive and trust, hope, persevere, and protect.
But why? How can I?
I can because I know my Savior. I know that I can trust my Savior with my heart. I know I can trust my Savior to take care of and convict or punish that person. I don't have to be their judge, or their conscience.
It is really hard to live out God's love when you live with someone that doesn't reciprocate or your neighbors drive off late at night in his loud car and comes back at 3am. But I've also learned that these times are special times to praise God for the small things like I have a roof over my head! I can pay my bills! I was sleeping, which is waaaaaaaaaaaay better then not sleeping! You can chose to be angry and boil over, or you can ask for help. You can sing about amazing grace and pray for everybodies hearts to change.
Praising, praying, and singing to your Savior when it's hard to love protects your heart from bitterness and keeps you at peace with Christ. To love is a command not a good idea. It's another way God loves us and takes care of us, commanding us to guard our hearts and mind in Him.

A Place to Hang My Soul (a really late 5/4/13 post)

Daddy! i don't want to get married ever because You and me will change!

Future Man will sleep right next to me... no more crying myself to sleep in Jesus' arms. ("Hey man! You are not Jesus/Holy Spirit! You can't heal and hold me deep!")

Why can't You keep him to Yourself, Lord? Aren't ya'll friends? Wouldn't You like him best single? I like me and You better as me single!

I'm finding the hardest times are the things that I'm not wanting to share with Future Man. I don't want him between You and me!

When I just want to be with You, Daddy, will he let me?

But wait! Hebrews 13:7 DOES say that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Lord, here are my hands. I still feel sad about possible marriage but it will be me that will change not You. Any change to end You and Me will be my lack of trust... any good change in me and Our relationship will be You at work.

I don't want to be single forever, but I've found You a sweet comfort when I'm aching the most. You are the God that hears me.

You are my refuge and strength, my ever present help in time of need. I don't want You to leave. I don't want Us to change even though I've prayed for a future man. 

My comfort, my strength, my pursuer, the One who knows best how to romance me, my love and my friend is my Lord God Almighty, Jesus makes me giggle, my refreshment, my laughter, my rest, my shoulder to cry on, my wisdom and guidance, my cooking Buddy, my most intimate confidant, my alarm clock, my teacher an challenger, the One who holds me together, my closet/hiding place, my always presnt friend, my loving/listening Daddy, my protector-provider You are! And You still will be for me even if I wed.

If anything I'll have more to talk with my Dear You about.

You are where I hang my soul

You are who I wake up to

You know my thoughts, words and deeds

You convict me of sin

and set me straight

You will never leave or forsake me

You keep me close and pursue me back when I leave.

You are the One place I can hide

The one place I can fall asleep knowing I am still within Your hands!

My place to hang my soul.

Delight

Today i'm going to be brief, not because there's hardly anything to say on this topic but because sometimes less is better.

If you want to hear something long here's a lecture from the Village Church, that has been one of my "go to" listens when I just feel really single and defined by that, or when I don't feel loved by God
http://www.thevillagechurch.net/resources/retreats-conferences/#preacher-sort_anne-lincoln-holibaugh

read Psalm 37 (here's a link) http://niv.scripturetext.com/psalms/37.htm
verse 4 says
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
 Delight? How do you take delight in the Lord? In the message above Anne-Lincoln talks about how easy it is to "take delight" or enjoy her favorite clothing store... Delighting in the Lord is like that. Telling Him what you like about whatever it is that you enjoy and thanking Him for your life and senses to enjoy Him through these things. You should totally try it! I often find myself going off on rabbit trails telling God how good, awesome, amazing, impressive, and crazy good He is from a starting point of "i like this or that Lord!"

I love walking around Staples
Walking by the River
Long drives in the country
There are so many things that the Lord has made I just enjoy and these things point to God's personality and character. it's like getting to know a friend. ;)

The Prize

 ³ Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way.”

⁴ When the people heard these distressing words, they began to mourn and no one put on any ornaments. ⁵ For the Lord had said to Moses, “Tell the Israelites, ‘You are a stiff-necked people. If I were to go with you even for a moment, I might destroy you. Now take off your ornaments and I will decide what to do with you.’” ⁶ So the Israelites stripped off their ornaments at Mount Horeb. - Exodus 33:3-6

Would you be satisfied to go to heaven - have everybody there in your family that you want there, have all the health and restoration of your prime, and everything you disliked about yourself fixed, have every recreation you've ever dreamed available to you, and have infinite resources of money to spend - would you be satisfied...if God weren't there? - John Piper

When I'm in need of clothing, shoes, a bed, wisdom, even words and Holy Spirit perspective I've learned to pray and ask God for it. Taking every detail to God asking Him to provide and thanking Him for that time that He will. With material things I am often praying for several months in advance to God leading me to a store that has that item in the price range I've asked for. I recently bought a new bed that God had put in my heart to be praying for back in November, I got this bed into my house about almost two weeks ago! As I was driving home soon after the purchase I asked the Lord "Why did You have me pray for so long for a bed?" The two answers I got were 1. To grow Our relationship, and 2. If you hadn't be praying for a bed, you wouldn't have been looking out for one and you would have missed blessing one of your fellow believers.

And then it struck me. Prayer is really about a relationship with God. He wants to spend time with me! Praying for things and praising God for the good and the bad. I've learned to come to my Savior Jesus about everything because I know He cares. I know I can speak honestly and openly with Him about anything!

When I'm sad or confused I've learned to go to Jesus and tell Him about it because I have a relationship with Him. I know He is there for me. Every moment.

A friend of mine preached a sermon on prayer last summer, encouraging us to pray, pray, pray for our neighbors and friends. At the end of the day if our friends love just - win! And we get a deeper relationship with God - win! And even if our friends don't love Jesus at the end of the day we still get God...we still are growing in relationship with Him. Deeper in Christ is never a bad thing.

Jesus has become my nearness friend and relationship because He loves me. Because He is able to save. Because He still pursues me. I'm His and He is mine. Prayer is a relationship. Jesus/God is the ultimate prize... not because He gives me things but because He gives me Himself.

Sweet reader I pray it is the same for you and Jesus. That you are always growing in a deeper real, radical relationship with Jesus Christ as savior and friend!

http://wrightfamilymusic.bandcamp.com/track/richly-loved

one of my favorite songs

http://midtowncolumbia.com/wp-content/uploads/sermons/072220124.mp3

sermon on Preserving Prayer by Thor Sawin