Learnage

     Okay, so there was some Jesus convicting Vicki on Tuesday or Wednesday that I mentioned on my face book wall that I keep remembering and I just wanted to write about it. So here it goes!


      Well, on Tuesday I was thinking through somethings and listening to a sermon on addictions. The preacher challenged that at the root of every addiction is an idol, at the root of every "unbreakable" sin struggle there is an idol. I have one of those unbreakable's and have recently started calling it an addiction. It's called daydreaming. You might say everybody daydreams, it's no big deal. But to me and my relationship with Jesus, it's a big deal. I have a really hard time being emotional present and driving is a bit dangerous at times. So yes, I would say it's an addiction. So thanks to the sermon I started digging deeper. What am I appeasing when I daydream? What am I looking for? Where am I not trusting Jesus to be my savior? Is Jesus at all what I'm looking for?
     Often the reason I'm daydreaming is I'm avoiding something, normally pain - physically or emotional. The majority of the daydreams are about people and they always think I'm wonderful! (I think I may have heard you just giggle Reader! Maybe you lol-ed?)
     So I'm constantly seeking comfort and acceptance. I also crush on boys a lot and idolize dating and marriage. I'm constantly looking for male approval. Love, approval, acceptance, comfort. Yep, that sounds about right!

     So let me think about this... if I'm a Christian that means what? That Jesus died on the cross for me. He died the death I deserved to reunite me with His Father, God. Not only reunite us but that through Jesus' death I might be given full son-ship! I have been adopted as God's Son, so that when God looks at me, He doesn't see a wretched, broken, rebellious sinner. NO! God see Jesus. What does God think of Jesus? Have you read John 17 recently? God the Father LOVES Jesus. They are one. Because I am in Christ Jesus, when God looks at me He sees Jesus. So God the Father LOVES Vicki in Christ!
Yeah. Because of Jesus, I don't have to go chasing love anymore - I already have more then enough poured out all over me! I already am loved.

     Because of Jesus I am accepted into His family. I'm a dastardly sinner, I know I'm gonna sin against God and my friends and I'm totally afraid of being kicked out of community. But I am in Jesus. When I sin He forgives me and because others in the Jesus community are in Jesus, they will forgive me too. We as a community will walk through life together - life isn't just easy stuff. When babies learn to walk they fall a lot. Each time we as human learn something new we fail a lot. When sinners walk in Jesus centered community together... we fail each other, a lot! (huge sigh) I've already failed new Jesus fam a lot! But because of Jesus there is room for me to ask for forgiveness and make amends. And you know what? I'm not the only one who fails. So Jesus and my community knows that I will fall. I think God created community to show off His love for us. Jesus centered community forgives because in Christ they have been forgiven. I am accepted despite my broken self. Because of Jesus, I get to sit back and watch Him work out His redemption.

Because I am in Christ I am justified. I don't have chase approval of man... my worth and everything are covered and satisfied in Jesus Christ!

And comfort? (sigh)! life isn't comfortable, and especially not comfortable in Christ. But I've found that when I'm hurting or sad the Holy Spirit is the ultimate comfort. I can't explain that farther... I don't know how. He just does, His Spirit ministers to mine. He teaches me how to walk this life with Him instead of fighting to do it on my own.

...

Through pain and sorrow
You are the my comfort Love
You are my Love for life

I cannot fully understand You're plans
I cannot see You face to face
I often cry for Your embrace
For Your helping hand

I often think I'm falling down
But You say You will not let my foot slip (psalm121)
My heart is aching out of misunderstandings
and my own sins
But all You keep saying is

I love you!
I love you!
I love you in this way!
You are My bride
that dated other lovers
leaving you naked and bleeding to die.
But here I am!
I'm your Savior
I'm your Lover

He picks me up
He heals my wounds
He tells me how much He loves me
and I scream "stop! don't You see how I've treated You!"
You must hate me now
Please leave me to die.

I am your refuge
Your sweet embrace
I came so that you might have life
I love you and that will never change
No my bride, My love will never change!

To God be the Glory

God's glory has become something of a theme in what He has been teaching me recently. Glory to God first. Does my life glorify my Jesus?
Do my heart motives glorify Daddy God?
Mostly I've found myself praying Baba, I know what I want, but what do You want? What brings You most glory in this situation?
I don't always know. Mainly here lately what brings Him glory is me laying down my will for His, and just waiting on Him to move. Waiting is the hardest thing. Waiting unsettles me. But unsettled makes me trust my God... Which He has been weeding out other gods in my life because those idols are instant gratifying. But the instant answers don't satisfy. They don't last and in the end the break and harm. But Jesus. Jesus brings healing in the waiting, brings deeper trust in these times.
His glory is what I want. His will is what I wish for in my life - but Lord! This just hurts sometimes.
But He is faithful! In Jesus' Name, the Lord is faithful and righteous. When I've got nothing left, because of Christ Jesus in me... I'm at my best.

Two Gifts, One Savior

    Wedding bells peal madly in the summer, don't they? Ma and I were talking one day and she mentioned she'd been invited to a wedding with a follow up of I don't know how long it's been sense I went to a wedding! While I sat there thinking There hasn't been one summer in the last seven years I haven't gone to at least one wedding! This summer nearly broke the record with just a reception and a fall wedding, which I attended today.
   
     I was remembering today being a little girl going to weddings thinking they were so magical! So beautiful! A girl became a damsel in distress and in marched Prince Charming, battled the evil, nasty dragon, saved the sweet maiden from her fate and carried her to her Papa's home where he courted her; proved his love and worthiness to her father. Then a week later, with the towns people rejoicing through singing, laughing, dancing, and clanging of pots and pans Prince Charm and the beautiful girl magically were wed in a church without any stressing over wedding planning. It just happened and sometimes my family and I got to go watch! As a child I was absolutely sure that getting married was the key to happiness, I was sure life would be easier if only I was married.

     I remember turning 21 and crying the week of my birthday because I wasn't anywhere close to having even a boyfriend. Never dated. Never been kissed. Never been asked out. Never, never, never. Would I be single forever? Why would God be so mean? Why would He make some people to be single and other marriage just came as easy as spreading butter? What was the trick to getting married without getting desperate? Or at least without looking desperate? I remember crying because I felt like I was expected to be married by now. I was letting everybody down. But also I still believed that marriage was the key to my future happiness. It was my Golden Ticket. My husband would be my savior and make all things right or at least bearable in my life and past pain. So where was he already?

     If you read my blog much you already know that I don't still believe that marriage is the key to happiness. I still waffle back and forth though. I found myself praying again this week Lord, please, if You have someone for me please bring him soon.
At the wedding today I didn't cry, it didn't really sting, I wasn't jealous, I understood the practicalities of it but still am very glad to see my friends getting married. I know it isn't romantic, but watching my sweet red head friend wed that man I use to wait with til his girl was done getting ready, all I could think was This is right. This is practical. They are going to grow so much in Jesus together. This is so good. God has great timing. They have so much more life to live. 

     Another thought started forming that I'm still trying to nail down. Just like it is the right time for Anna&Brain to be wed, it is the right time for me to be single. The Lord is fulfilling the roles that I need Him too. He is my Baba Daddy not only standing in for my deceased earthly father but also covering every bit of fatherhood my earthly dad couldn't. Providing and loving me every step of the way. But God is also my husband, my comfort, my protector/provider, my sweetest/closest friend, the one being that confronts me the most, that one male I respect the most, my most intimate friend/confidant, and emotionally my lover. Being single has brought me closer to Jesus. Being single I've found to be a sweet gift. I've needed this time so badly to be this close with Him. Singleness is a good and practical gift. Just like marriage is a good and practical gift.

     I saw a friends Facebook status earlier this week saying how so many years ago that day he had traded his single man burdens and trails for a married man's burdens and trails. He was thankful for both. He is still growing in Christ, now he is growing in Christ continued plus with his bride by his side for life.
Life in Christ is growth. Growing in relationship with Jesus and then spreading that around to everybody we meet. Growing in relationships with community and showing those friendships with Jesus and His gospel. Which means more growth.
Singleness is a gift that has pushed me deeply into the bosom of Christ.
Marriage is a gift which will push me more deeply into Christ.
Singleness doesn't make me a better person or give me "the free/good life". Jesus gives me definition. Jesus makes me better and gives my life meaning and purpose.
Marriage won't satisfy me. Only Jesus satisfies. Only Jesus can be the best thing that ever happens to us.

With both gifts we tend to forget and idolize our situations, but both single and married alike are in need of a Savior. Both need Some One to hold them together when everything falls apart. We need Jesus. Because of sin we will struggle a lot in this life, but if Jesus is your Savior then it doesn't matter - in riches or poviority, in sickness and in health Jesus is enough, the Lord provides, God answers prayers. He is our kinsman redeemer. Every time. He has His beloved brides back!