Not. Worth. Shit.

I was thinking tonight while thinking serious thoughts that there is something I wish I could tell my neighbor when God pulled a fast one on me and turned it around. Here's the story.

Me thinks: He is an extremely handsome, has an awesome car and for pete's sake he got to buy a HOUSE! Lucky dog! Yet in comparison these things fade fast and aren't worth shit in comparison with the loving relationship he has with he's Dad. Appearances, fast cars nor a house are worth a lick in light of the fact that he has a loving Dad who is still alive and wants to be part of his life. A dad that speaks well of his own wife. Amazing. Do you know how rare it is to see a father and son enjoy each other? Wow. so amazing. 

Yes, I will admit that i think my neighbor is handsome but I'd like to be a relative more then anything... just to have a father that cared about me and things I think are exciting, to help me through life, and to (now that I'm older) be a friend. Having expensive things and good looks aren't worth shit in comparison to having a loving father.

Enter God.

Vicki, your duplex, car, job, friends, idols aren't worth shit in comparison to the gift of having relationship with your Heavenly Father God. Your brightest hopes and dreams, your best  achievements, your relationship statues and abilities aren't worth shit in comparison to the beauty and grander of your relationship with Jesus.There's so much more growth to come in my Baba God relationship, my stuff? 

Not. Worth. Shit. 

is there ever a memory that catches you off guard
a thought that makes you cry
a date that you wish to never come again

what do you do
do you cry or brace
pretend you don't remember

will it help to process
will it help to cry
does making a good plan work

i don't like those memories
i don't like crying
i don't like those dates

i know they come
i know crying would help
i know i must continue to live day by day

stuffing doesn't help. it makes them worse
bracing and biting back the tears makes you bitter not better
avoiding increases darkness

My Gomor Days, God's Hosea Ways...

     I have "Gomor days" and as I walk out on God He provides food and clothing. I fly after my lovers thinking "Oh! You provide so well for me dearest to me of idols!" And in return I find myself naked and bruised in the town square for sale as a less wanted slave when God comes and clothes me whispering love in my ears "Come home, I love you. You are My beloved bride. I will hold you again as mine, I will kiss you again like you never left. You are Mine and I am yours. Come, I will take you home with Me and heal your deep wounds again, forgive you this painful mess against Me again, and we will make love together. Not because I am angry or to get revenge, I will not handle you that way. I will be with you intimately again, even though you have gone out our door and loved another the one way, the ultimate way, you were only meant for Me. I know what is best for you, I have it for you already. What you need is with Me, at our home without your lousy lovers. Will you come willingly for Me to love? Will you love Me? Repent. Come home."

     

Looking for something to fill me
something to chill me
someone to love me
but all I can find is You

Looking for a way to run
hiding is my favorite rum
I need someone to hold me
but there's only You

I know this doesn't  rhyme
That four lines won't cut it
I just want to be perfect
but that's only You

love doesn't come best from a broken man
peace won't come in the form of my control
perfect love, real live peace come slow and steady
come only from Your grace

like a peaceful rain
like the morning sun
day by day enough grace for this day, this time today
these blessing from Your hands

So hold me Lord, like I'm longing for
fill my wondering heart
calm my worries and fill me up with truth
pull me out of myself and into You

Come purify my mind
come wash me clean
teach me Your ways
let me love again like You

Here are my hands
Here is my heart
Here are my distractions
I want to be completely undone in You

Pit falls will come again
bring more repentance once again
create in me a new love, new thirst for Your Word
Create in me a heart like Yours.

A Beautiful Dream

     My sweet Father God gave me this beautiful dream yesterday morning and I just wanted to share it so that I won't forget it.

 

I dreamed was getting married, it was the day of my wedding. My sister was helping me put on my dress when I started to cry and be afraid. So I texted a trusted friend something like "I'm scared and I don't want to marry this man because he doesn't love Jesus! He's a great guy but he doesn't, he just doesn't. What do i do? Everything's set up."

Herr reply "Run awaaaaaaaaaaaay! Run! God will take care of you."

So i did. I ran out of the dressing room in my beautiful dress, out the church doors, into a beautiful 1700 style town, down the dirt road through town cry "I just can't marry him, I hope my friends and family understand that I gotta love Jesus and my husband does too."

At the end of the dream I was playing with the small children of the town and they started to shout "He's coming! He's coming! The man  who loves Jesus and you is coming! Lets watch for him!"

So we did. We climbed the bell tower in the the middle of town where we watched and waited for someone who was approaching - he wasn't as handsome as the one I'd run away from but he loved Jesus and me. He was a worthy man and I knew I'd be happy with him.

I woke up talking to God like He was right next to me, knowing that He loves me.

    

    While I was waking I was reminded that God has asked me to simply wait for His best for me. His best for me might not be marriage it might be a different life then I ever anticipated, it could be marriage and if it is I don't need to dream up or tell God who I think would be fun but to wait because God knows what is best for His daughter. As Driscole says in his Redeeming Ruth series marry a legacy not a good time.