Need for Security

     At the end of the day what have I been holding onto for security?

A new job? Money? A husband? Really? If I get any of these things will I be more content? Getting out of debt last year has proved to me that I am a poor manger of money; unless I have solid consequences saving is not my strong suit!  More money in my account and being able to buy whatever whenever hasn't really made me more happy.

I was thinking at the end of yesterday, God wants my heart. So then if God wants my heart and He wants to be my security. Then what is all this other stuff?

If I am poor is God not rich enough? Can He not provide well enough? Did He not provide a North Face fleece to me for $5 a few years back? Every time I've prayed for an item He gives and gives name brands, cheaply. How is He not the best provider?

If I am weak and my body is broken is He not my strength? Can He not hold me through again like when I was a runner and needed to pee? Can He not heal my heart again like He did hundreds of times in Recovery and in these last 5 months?

If I am single for life can He not be my comfort? Is God not a deep and true friend to me? I may not ever have sex, but can God not hold me together and hold me steady in Him? Can He not give me the means to get house hold things accomplished without a man? Has He not given me a family I can ask for help from? Can He not satisfy you, Vicki?

 

Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall but those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. Isaiah40:31 ...Daddy God help me wait on Your timing in my life and worries. Renew my strength, please Dada!

What Vicki says when she doesn't know what to say!

I want to write a blog tonight however I don't. I wan't sing a song but my mind keeps going back to the idea of writing a novel.
I'm afraid to write out this story in my head because it cuts deep into my heart. It makes me cry. You love me like this? I'm such a wretch! I can't do enough for You Baba God! But there is hope, because You already did enough...You ask me to trust. The promise of the gospel that could possibly be strung through it makes me want to write.

I have some many saved posts that I haven't published because of the painful stories behind the learning. This mighty warrior King Jesus has fought for my soul and won. Not only has He captured me but He has won my love... Though He is a better lover then I. He is incredibly more faithful then I.

But alast I must retire! But I must say peeps! I LOVE Jesus because He knows what He is doing in this life! And don't none of us ever listen to any spirit that isn't of Jesus! They LIE! Test the spirits my friends! And freaking don't repeat the lies to yourself that they use to whisper in your ear. If you have learned that something is not scriptural or helpful that you've been believing then dastardly DON'T keep repeating! Don't listen to lies my friends. Listen to truth from Jesus. Get to know you're Savior King, when we know Who and what we're about it makes decisions more clear. Keep getting to know our sweet savior Jesus Christ. He is endless. We will never know Him completely. He is full of surprises! I love it!
I was reading in 2 Corinthians 1 this morning an didn't get very far... I got to verse 3&4 which struck me with the reality that God is compassionate and comforting. I've know that He is comforting from experance but I'd never really thought about it as just a common fact about God. Everybody just says "God is love". Well peeps why don't we ever say God is compassion or God is comfort? We dissect what "love" means, ought we not also dissect compassion and comfort to know who God is an what He's like?

anyways... Good night friends.

I don't know...

I don't know where I'm to go
I don't know who I will be
I don't know what the next step should be
But I know, I know, I know You're here with me

I can't see where You're leading me
I can't tell where I will be
I don't what use You have for me
But I know, I know You are good to me

I am small
I am weak
I've got nothing in this world to give
But I know, I know, I know You are strong, I know You are good, You love

I am lost, I am afraid
I am naked and ashamed
They say I should be so many things
But You say no, no, no. I am Yours

I can't see You
But You see me
My heart is breaking
Your hands they heal me
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
But You know me

I am weeping, feeling depleted
I am naked and cold
I have nothing for my Savior that's worth giving
Why would You use a sinner like me?

All You ever say is You are loving, You are strong
You came. You died and rose to bring glory to You're name
To save a broken, dying race, to give them life
To make use of the useless

But Lord? Is it a hoax?
You give me life so I can give it back?
What else will You give, that I will only give back?
Does my having even for a moment make it better?
Is there any way to prove my worth?

I know it's all for Your glory
You are unfailing
You are direction
You are the everything I truly need

Because these lies - the spirits they lie
They say now that I live, I need to build on what You did
To prove me without You, that I deserve You
But if it's all about You, then it's better that I'm nothing without You.

But I still don't know what my future holds
What dreams should I dream
Tomorrow what shall I do to bring You glory
How do I make You bigger without a dream? Without money?

Your power is made perfect in my weakness
Your grace is sufficient for my worthless
These lies, I should never ever listen!!!
There is NOTHING on earth that You can't understand

No feeling of mine that You have never been dealt
No temptation I get that You never got
You had it all fly at Your face
Yet never did You dwell, never did You fail
No sin. No despair, no shaking fists in the air!

So here in Your Word every day to the year
You preach have no fear
"I will uphold you with My right hand"
Have no fear or despair there's a God you can trust.

random thought

I've really been enjoying writing and have looked in freelance writing but honestly there seems to be a ton of opportunity to practice write by writing a novel but not a whole by write practical real life stuff... which what i'd like to write about. 

But you know how people say you can't live life doing your best not to make mistakes cause HEY we're human we're gonna for sure 100% going to make mistakes. So live life unafraid, knowing you'll make mistakes. Making mistakes is a fact of life. But you have a choose to learn from you're mistakes. When you choose not to learn from them that is the biggest mistake of life and so trying to not make mistake is a better take. 

So. With the fact of life that I make mistakes. And with last seven months of learning... I had this random thought tonight. I could write a novel using the lessons I've learned and the idea of a name I thought up was:

The Whisper of a King in the Valley of Achor. I know that's really long but it would be coming from Hosea 2:14-20.

So that is my random thought. We will see what comes of it. I will need to pray through this a lot and research more on Hosea. and Jesus! :) (sigh!) I love Jesus and the Bible and I love learning about and getting to know God better it's just a very hard thing to be disciplined! 

Irritations...

Do you have have one of those people enter into your day that juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust irritates you?
I went to a christian book store today on lunch and I knew - kinda - that I was walking into an annoying situation because there's this cashier who's really talkative and reeeeeally really slow at ringing up your order that works there. So I was all relived to walk in and learn that even though that lady still works there, there's a new guy too. Great! May he'll ring me up!
No, sadly no. As she got going into a story about how clever she was with her niece in her soft fast past voice my impatience started building in my throat. I really wanted to scream at her Lady, I'm on lunch break. I have 15 minutes until I need to be sitting back in my cubical but you with your story - that I don't care about - and you're one finger typing with five seconds at least between to find the new keys....! Gaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuh! Lady you're driving me insane! For real! Stop talking and finish the job!
When I finally got to walk out to my car, I found my other side scolding me.
Really, Vicki, really? Since when did you not ann oy God? How come you're the great judge today?
Shut up! I don't have be all loving right now! Let me simmer in my anger, I don't have to be a sweet nice Christian ALL the time!
You know this is going to ruin your day if you let yourself "simmer".
I don't care! I'll cry and confess tomorrow! Some people just deserve a good yelling!
You really want to simmer on this for the next four hours?
No! I'll just think about something else. ...

Side note... in recent days when I go off in the daydream land I catch myself and to me to "Enjoy these moments" because I only get them once and the only place I really have to be right now is here.
So I tried to tell myself  "Enjoy these moments" which turned into a prayer

Jesus, I'm NOT enjoying these moments! In fact I don't like them.
Which turned me toward Jesus... irritations somehow become less big when you tell Jesus about them.
I'd bought a 365 days of Prayer for Women with devotionals written by women like Elisabeth Elliot, Elizabeth George, and Beth Moore. I had no idea of that when I picked up the book... I was just drawn to it and am so delighted to have it.
It wasn't my most favorite lunch break episode ever but Dada reminded me that I'm a sinner, and totally humbled me with the prayer for today. From Proverbs 16:23
E. Elliott talked about words can heal or words can destroy. Words can help or harm. Ouch! If only I could train my mind to heal and help instead of tearing down and destroying others. 

Love as I have loved...

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. John 13:34-35

In my reading this morning I came across these verses. In house church we've been studying what is the church, or what does the church look like. A week or so ago these verses were read and talked about. One of the guys was like "I hate these verses. I honestly just don't like laying down my life for others." We all kinda laughed but its true isn't it? We don't like putting ME aside for YOUR sake.
Daddy God has been teaching me about His love for me this summer. It's been hard and painful. I don't want to put myself up here as some one amazing or say anything that would get back to people so, Reader, if you know me then pretend for this read you don't! I'm just some girl whose blog you read.  Thank you.

A few weeks ago the pastor/leader at house church reminded me that I had said I was willing to help lead a group when ours got to big and needed to split. (uh he needs a name... we'll call him, Larry) So Larry was telling me "It's time for you to go be a leader". And I was like  "NOoooooooooooooo! I like Suzanna, your wifey a lot! I want to stay! Can I pray about it again? Do I have to leave?" I didn't tell Larry this but I also wanted stay because of a boy. Larry assured me that it was fine to pray some more. So with that I went home and started whining to the Lord about my life and why I wanted to stay in Larry&Suzanna's group and didn't it just make sense Lord that I stay? But ending prayers with You're will not mine soon turned some tables. I remember praying one afternoon and hearing a whisper Vicki, I'm asking you love others as I have loved you. Lay down you're wants and desires for My sake, allow Me to work in each person's life without your interference.
I realized that leaving with the new group I will not only get to love others, but also I'm letting that boy alone... I'd be putting his needs and God's will above my own. Humbling myself is an act of love like Christ.

I will probably learn more from these verse in years to come, but for now I'm learning that to love like Christ and look like Him with my Jesus family is to lay myselfish desires aside so that others may grow. Making others more important then myself.
Painful! But I have so much peace when I obey. So much comfort in the Holy Spirit because He loves me, looks out for me and Daddy God knows best. He knows the pain of laying yourself aside, because He did it for me. He won't ask me to do something He's not willing to do Himself.  The Holy Spirit is my sweet support. And I will follow Him.