Gushing

tonight I was reminded that in light of my sin and Who Jesus God is, I'm a whore. I run out on my first Love, my Savior every day and wear a scarlet letter proudly as if it were a good thing.

this weekend I've been struck with Matthew 16:24 "if anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me". In Roman times the cross was a tool of torture. So take up mu torture and follow Jesus?
deny myself my desires for that idol, that comfort.

that rings so true and so right when it comes to my "darling" sin. my constant problem, my constant shame. The sin that I've brought before the Lord so many times before and just begged Him to take it away.

But what if He doesn't? what if this sin, this "darling" sin of mine is my cross? what if this is what i'm called to deny myself and follow? what if this is my reminder again and again of my whoring after a broken useless treasure is the thing that points me back to my deep and real need of a Savior.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

While coming home after a party tonight I was grace with some sweet words from a friendship that has grown deeper in the last two years. God has been blessing me so much with this new found friendship in an old relation. 

even though i struggle daily to be in love with my first Love, He loves and peruses my heart tenderly. 

His convictions are a grace to me. His love overwhelms me to tears. this life on earth i'll live with Him as my Love, my darling, my Savior with many stumbling still to come but this love! this love. i can't wait to get to Heaven and yet i'm so young. i'll wait on You're timing O Lord my God. Spread out You're mighty arms and fill us with Your love and boldness to spread You're fame among the nations. Glory be Yours forever, Amen.

Halloween at the Hansen's

Yesterday I was reminiscing Dad being alive and traditions that my family had. One such tradition was that of Halloween! :) on Halloween we didn't go Trick-or-Treating, or dress up. We would close up the house, turn out all the lights except the kitchen light and make it look like we weren't home so the Trick-or-Treater would stay away. Ha! Dinner would be super normal and then we'd get the dishes done so the fun could begin. Ma would make homemade doughnuts and hot apple cider! Mmmm! So tasty and warm! As we ate and drank our share we sat around the kitchen telling jokes, funny stories, and sometimes pull out the card games. I have very fond memories of Halloween. I miss those cozy nights with the fam. 

I guess that was Ma&Dad's idea of keeping the kids safe and making the night special so when our friends talked about Halloween we didn't feel left out. It was great idea and I sure enjoyed it!

I was feeling all sorry for myself because I don't have any fun Halloween party to go to this year, nor do I have any fun tradition of my own. But I guess it goes without saying that when we grow up and move out on our own we have to create "new normal's". So now that I'm an adult what is my new normal for Halloween? Well... here's something that I guess for me is a new tradition, at my job they let us dress up! :) Every year excepting one I have dressed up as a princess. Every year I freeze on my way out to my car just so I can have a little fun! I enjoy going around telling everyone "I'm a princess!" and seeing the different characters that show up to work every year! This year is no exception to the rule, in a few hours I will dawn an old brides maids dress and crystal necklace as a crown and freeze on my way to work smiling at my girlishness and enjoy the day! 

A Prayer for Rain

God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we expect. He doesn't always do just what we ask.

I've been praying for it to rain in Columbia on September 19, 12 for about a month because rain makes me smile and remember that God made that rain, God loves me, but I also love the rain because it leaves water puddles all along my street which I quiet enjoy splashing in like a little girl because doing so makes me feel beautiful in that I'm splashing with my Father God who made me to be me and not anybody else. 

I was praying for rain on this day because 2 years ago Dad passed away... I wanted to be sure today that Jesus loves me. To be sure of God's faithfulness.

Well it rained most of Monday and Tuesday and there were plenty of beautiful puddles to run through the last two nights (of course I did! and discovered new ones! Sweet!) While I drove sleepy eyed to work this morning I admired beautiful clouds and the sun rise. The weather has been gorgeous today! And the sky? The most beautiful and comforting/peaceful blue.

At lunch time I was sitting outside enjoying the weather remembering my request when it hit me that God didn't give me rain, but wait! That's probably a good thing maybe rain would have made Ma sad today. Maybe somebody is having a hard time and just really needed to be blessed with a gorgeous sunshiny day?!

I guess what I'm saying is that there are things I didn't think about when I was praying for what I thought would be best for me. 

I forgot about others, and their needs

I forgot that God does all things well, even when I don't understand

That God knows what I need 

Which brings me back to why I wanted rain. My Dad wasn't one of those "I love you's" all the time dad's, in fact I heard that rarely from him. What I received most from him was a rejection... I thought well if it rains on the 19th then I'll know for sure that God loves me. Silly Vicki. No, Honey, God loves you all the time. Rain or shine, dark or light. Loving daddy's don't give their children everything they ask for (that's called spoiling) they give them what they need and yep sometimes we get what we want, but it's a special thing called a gift.

I could go crazy analyzing why my Dad wasn't the best in the world and what could have made him a better Dad. I could get angry and grow bitter about who he was or wasn't and I could shake my fists at God screaming I deserve better! I'm not about to say that the pain inflected by my Dad was good or okay because it just wasn't, but I do just want to say that God does knows what I need. I've never been without something I truly needed. God is good, His heart is loving, His ways fulfill His glory, He has a plan for His beloved children.  

I don't understand every trail I've walked through, I don't understand why good prayers don't get the result we ask for, I don't have a point system of "well if you go through this much suffering you'll get this or will grow this much..." or "well, if this happened to you then this is why you went through it or this is what happened". Nope, sorry I don't have those kinds of answers. I only know from James 1 that God uses trails and suffering to mature us in our faith in Him. I know by reading Psalms, Isaiah, and Joel that God doesn't look the other way when we suffer. When life just sucks He's not ignoring you, He's carrying His own in His strong and gentle embrace. When we are weak He is strong. 

God is an all knowing, all powerful, loving disciplinary Daddy. A lot in my life I have gotten mad at Him asking why me? Why this hardship? Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions, maybe I'm focused on the wrong thing. Instead of looking at my circumstances maybe I oughta just trust that God is my loving Daddy and cry in His arms when it hurts. Maybe I should ask what is God teaching and training me in? Maybe instead of hugging my busted pride I oughta open my hands praying "Daddy? Here are my aches, painful sufferings, here are my tears, how can You use them as encouragement in someone else's life?"

...there is a friend that sticks closer then a brother. prov. 18:24b

just a fav of mine currently is psalm 147 (esp.10-11) ;)

Ab's and Idiots

      I just wanted to say that today God convicted me of some major stuff. Some real life sin was revealed and I felt like such an idiot when I saw what I've been doing. It was like God was like "Honey, I love you. There's hope for change in Me from this and if you don't come back your totally an idiot. Come here." God guilt shows you what your doing wrong and at the same time gives you peace so that you can be changed in Him.

      Then later in the day I was praying about a situation where I don't know how to love someone because "I never do that" but God pointed out to me that I do "that" it just looks different because I label it differently. Because I hide it better. I may look okay on the outside but on the inside, I'm doing the very same thing I don't know how to deal with... but I do. Because God has already given me the tools I need to walk forward trusting Him. The thing is I need to trust and obey.

      Lastly. I went to Water Aerobic's Class tonight after work with my sad face about my idiotiness and learned to laugh at myself once again while running around the pool with strangers. My arms and ab's are so sore! But I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have sore muscles they'd be flabby and that's not healthy. I'm pretty sure that if God didn't convict me of sin I'd be, well, I wouldn't be His. I wouldn't care about anybody and I'd be you know more out of shape in every way. Exercise and convictions are good things... they keep us alive and well.

Here's the Party

One day while packing up to leave work I sent myself an email for the next days jobs that reminded me to stay focused... it said something like "the party is right here in your chair so live it!"

When I was a small kid, I remember my siblings would come home from college, they would stay up late into the night talking and as the youngster that I was it didn't seem fair to me that they got to stay up and "party" while I had to sleep. So I'd leave my bed and go hang out until they'd send me back to bed in 10 seconds flat. Then I'd whine about how "come you get to stay up late and have all the fun?" they would say when your older you can stay up with us and we'll have lots of fun, but go to bed now so we can have fun tomorrow. I'd go to bed mad because I wanted to stay up too! Seems like I'm still that small kid. I can wait to be or have something somebody else has, or I can't wait to be just passed the bend in the road. But you know what? As grown ups we look at kids and say they don't know how good they got it! Enjoy your childhood. So. VickiH, I know I'm talking to myself here and you're going to fail at this but just try for your future self to enjoy being 26. Enjoy working in the office and feeling like you have no money and no life. You got it good. Stop daydreaming about the future or even what you'll do later this day or tomorrow. The party is happening right here... right now. Welcome to the party! Welcome to your life. Party and live it up. Precious, precious moments you'll never get back.

I need YOU

(wrote this one morning, thought I'd share)

I need You, God, I need You

Come near and hold me in Your endless embrace

Come kiss me in Your passion, please don't break!

When I'm in my cube my thoughts run fast

Fast from You and all You can do

To a man who will be ever always true,

But what can man do to me?

What can man do for me?

We're each  like a gran of sand

Along the shoreline that washes away

Where can I go from Your Spirit Lord

How do I fly without Your presences and grace? 

I need You, I need You, I need You, God.

Today.

 I need You.

I know I'm about to stray,

I know I'm about to disobey,

Again and again I will apologize and ask for grace

But Lord!

I'm about to struggle again!

Today.

I'm about to go to battle

Must I get slaughtered again?

These lust and passions they ruled over me again.

Teach me to watch and wait.

Just watch and wait.

But Lord!

Come fast! Come steady. Come stay by my side.

My thoughts turn fast to trust in man

My idols wax and wane

But it's always just some dude

who ain't You!

He ain't even got a clue!

He can't come near when my life is undone,

He's not here when I need'im cause he just!

Not You.

COME ON! LORD! 

I NEED YOU, I NEED YOU, I DO!

I need You to break this chain

this emotional wall

That keeps me outside of this life's realities

Bring shouts of victory to my lips oh Lord.

These tears in my eyes fear this will never go away,

Will I never be free?

But bring Your armies, Lord,

Send Your Spirit sharp into my veins

Break down this fortress

Destroy these walls!

For You God!

For our relationship's sake!

Bring glory and fame to Your name

From my sins, from my mind's escape.

Pleeeese, Lord, Pleeease

I'm disgusted with myself

I need Your presences

I need Your embrace

I need your grace.

"The Lord is with me

I will not be afraid,

The Lord is with me

He is my helper"

I will take refuge in my God

and not in any man

I will take refuge in my Lord

Not in a strong or attractive man.

No, no!

I was pushed back going to fall

but it was the Lord who helped

The Lord is my strength and my song

He has become my salvation

You are my God!

I need you!

I will give You thanks

You are my God

I will exalt You.

I need You.

"I will give thanks to the Lord for He is good

His love endures forever."

His embrace endures for a life time.

I need You today.

Create a new praise to You in me.

Keep my mind and heart pure today.

God, I need You today.

Being Changed ...a "But God" story

I have no idea what to title this post. Maybe something about how faithful God is, or Him being the best Dad in the whole biz but whatev.

I've just been thinking in recent weeks that my life is frustrating because I don't know how to be friends with single guys my age and that's really frustrating and annoying and sheesh how will I ever get married to an awesome Jesus loving, man of prayer if I don't know how to just be friends with one? 

[My lack of male friendship goes back to this terror I had of men (from issues that won't be disclosed here). Last summer I remember still being so afraid of men - even ones I knew would not harm me - that when I talked to them I'd start shaking uncontrollably, fear permeated my being. That started when I was supper young and continued through this past fall. But God. ( don't you just love those two words? or these "yet God"?) (ah-ha! I've thought up a title!) But God took my fears which were lies and knocked'em silly. The lies were on the track of what my identity as a woman. When Holy Spirit whistled through my veins smashing chains of lies that bound me. Giving me a assurance of what He did not think of me and what He does think of me, He gave me an assurance that I am His beloved daughter, I am complete in Christ, and just that I am IN Christ. There defined. None of this silly nonsense about he said, she said, nor he did this or she did that.]

So in light of the above paragraph me having male friendship has been out of the question, however, friendship with married men was different because friendship came more naturally as I was friends with their wives and would learn to trust more readily with their sweet wives standing by. Right so anyways, I guess I can't complain too loudly of not knowing how to be friends with single guys because of all of the above, however I forget these things about who I was and get frustrated about who I'm not now.

Well on with my story. So there's this dude right? And "awe man! he's single, but hooray he's handsome and single" but "oh nooooooooooooo! how are we ever going to be friends? He's single!" So I did what every natural sinner would do... as soon as I saw this man I let God know "I got this one God! I can handle this! We're going to be friends in no time and You don't even need to help, just be there to listen to my exciting stories okay? Thanks." Throughout the embarrassing process of having a crush on this handsome stranger God continued to call me His beloved, continued to teach me one patient fatherly lesson after another. I know these lessons aren't half over yet considering I will most likely see this stranger for many more months to come, but I think God got one very important lesson through to me last night. There was something I had promised to invite this stranger to next time my friends&I went but with my frustrations in toe, and old fears cropping up I had become afraid to invite him. Throughout the day I worried over the invite and prayed God would make it easy for me. When I finally made it home from work the handsome stranger was nowhere in sight, a cause of worry for me. So yet again here I was going "okay, God I got this! I just need to run outside a lot and be out there and be prepared just in case I see him. But I got this God, okay? I got this!" (I bet I sound really stocker-ish don't I? Sorry Handsome Stranger!) I had no luck. Did not see the man. A friend invited me to dinner and we went out (and had a blast). I prayed during dinner for God to help me, pleeeeeeeeeeeassssssse! I wanted to keep my promise but didn't know how too. Well guess who was outside when my friend dropped me off? Yep you guessed it.

But before I tell you the end. there's this other really important detail that I haven't mentioned. You see when God is hotly pursuing you He often gets through and makes you think more of Him then you naturally would and makes you in awe of His love for you. So a mist my frustrations God was making me adore Him and focus back my attentions on His loveliness. When one is focused most on God all other lovely things are no comparison. Everything else is just like "oh. nice. So anyways! Yes Lord!?!"

End of the story: Handsome Stranger was out in his yard (gosh i do sound creepy! creepy neighbor! nobody move in next to me!) and of course I got nervous, but remember that I have God with me. Two things were quickly noted 1. God made it really easy for me to invite him, answered prayer. 2. Wait... I thought he was more handsome then that! 

Thanks God!

and ps no he isn't coming he had other plans. :)

Thanks God, You are really good at being God and the lesson? I need help with evvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerything! And God is jealous to be in control of my life and goings one. Got it God, You got this. Right, thanks!

Not. Worth. Shit.

I was thinking tonight while thinking serious thoughts that there is something I wish I could tell my neighbor when God pulled a fast one on me and turned it around. Here's the story.

Me thinks: He is an extremely handsome, has an awesome car and for pete's sake he got to buy a HOUSE! Lucky dog! Yet in comparison these things fade fast and aren't worth shit in comparison with the loving relationship he has with he's Dad. Appearances, fast cars nor a house are worth a lick in light of the fact that he has a loving Dad who is still alive and wants to be part of his life. A dad that speaks well of his own wife. Amazing. Do you know how rare it is to see a father and son enjoy each other? Wow. so amazing. 

Yes, I will admit that i think my neighbor is handsome but I'd like to be a relative more then anything... just to have a father that cared about me and things I think are exciting, to help me through life, and to (now that I'm older) be a friend. Having expensive things and good looks aren't worth shit in comparison to having a loving father.

Enter God.

Vicki, your duplex, car, job, friends, idols aren't worth shit in comparison to the gift of having relationship with your Heavenly Father God. Your brightest hopes and dreams, your best  achievements, your relationship statues and abilities aren't worth shit in comparison to the beauty and grander of your relationship with Jesus.There's so much more growth to come in my Baba God relationship, my stuff? 

Not. Worth. Shit. 

is there ever a memory that catches you off guard
a thought that makes you cry
a date that you wish to never come again

what do you do
do you cry or brace
pretend you don't remember

will it help to process
will it help to cry
does making a good plan work

i don't like those memories
i don't like crying
i don't like those dates

i know they come
i know crying would help
i know i must continue to live day by day

stuffing doesn't help. it makes them worse
bracing and biting back the tears makes you bitter not better
avoiding increases darkness

My Gomor Days, God's Hosea Ways...

     I have "Gomor days" and as I walk out on God He provides food and clothing. I fly after my lovers thinking "Oh! You provide so well for me dearest to me of idols!" And in return I find myself naked and bruised in the town square for sale as a less wanted slave when God comes and clothes me whispering love in my ears "Come home, I love you. You are My beloved bride. I will hold you again as mine, I will kiss you again like you never left. You are Mine and I am yours. Come, I will take you home with Me and heal your deep wounds again, forgive you this painful mess against Me again, and we will make love together. Not because I am angry or to get revenge, I will not handle you that way. I will be with you intimately again, even though you have gone out our door and loved another the one way, the ultimate way, you were only meant for Me. I know what is best for you, I have it for you already. What you need is with Me, at our home without your lousy lovers. Will you come willingly for Me to love? Will you love Me? Repent. Come home."

     

Looking for something to fill me
something to chill me
someone to love me
but all I can find is You

Looking for a way to run
hiding is my favorite rum
I need someone to hold me
but there's only You

I know this doesn't  rhyme
That four lines won't cut it
I just want to be perfect
but that's only You

love doesn't come best from a broken man
peace won't come in the form of my control
perfect love, real live peace come slow and steady
come only from Your grace

like a peaceful rain
like the morning sun
day by day enough grace for this day, this time today
these blessing from Your hands

So hold me Lord, like I'm longing for
fill my wondering heart
calm my worries and fill me up with truth
pull me out of myself and into You

Come purify my mind
come wash me clean
teach me Your ways
let me love again like You

Here are my hands
Here is my heart
Here are my distractions
I want to be completely undone in You

Pit falls will come again
bring more repentance once again
create in me a new love, new thirst for Your Word
Create in me a heart like Yours.

A Beautiful Dream

     My sweet Father God gave me this beautiful dream yesterday morning and I just wanted to share it so that I won't forget it.

 

I dreamed was getting married, it was the day of my wedding. My sister was helping me put on my dress when I started to cry and be afraid. So I texted a trusted friend something like "I'm scared and I don't want to marry this man because he doesn't love Jesus! He's a great guy but he doesn't, he just doesn't. What do i do? Everything's set up."

Herr reply "Run awaaaaaaaaaaaay! Run! God will take care of you."

So i did. I ran out of the dressing room in my beautiful dress, out the church doors, into a beautiful 1700 style town, down the dirt road through town cry "I just can't marry him, I hope my friends and family understand that I gotta love Jesus and my husband does too."

At the end of the dream I was playing with the small children of the town and they started to shout "He's coming! He's coming! The man  who loves Jesus and you is coming! Lets watch for him!"

So we did. We climbed the bell tower in the the middle of town where we watched and waited for someone who was approaching - he wasn't as handsome as the one I'd run away from but he loved Jesus and me. He was a worthy man and I knew I'd be happy with him.

I woke up talking to God like He was right next to me, knowing that He loves me.

    

    While I was waking I was reminded that God has asked me to simply wait for His best for me. His best for me might not be marriage it might be a different life then I ever anticipated, it could be marriage and if it is I don't need to dream up or tell God who I think would be fun but to wait because God knows what is best for His daughter. As Driscole says in his Redeeming Ruth series marry a legacy not a good time. 

Just Obey

Okay, i'm going to pretend that you, Oh my reader, did not read my last post. something about this post idea and the last is making feel really silly-girly-whirly shallow. 

K, so i've been having a crush on this guy (we'll call him Boy)  and just thinking crazy thoughts and dreams and those thoughts of "oh, if only he would say this or did that... or if we could really have a good friendship then I'd be the happiest girl in the world forever, i' mean of course we'd have problems but we'd work them out with Jesus and forgive and we'd be the happiest..."

I realized pretty quickly that I've been idolizing Boy and "our relationship potential". That's not okay with Jesus my Savior so I started praying "God will you please crush my crush? Will You please get Boy a girlfriend, like today? Because if he had a girlfriend... "

"If you would just obey Me then I wouldn't have find Boy a girlfriend."

"But wouldn't that be so much easier? I mean You're God. You can do anything. You can get him a girlfriend fast. And besides that's how You crushed my last few crushes... they started dating and I felt hurt but now I'm not crushing on them am I?"

"If you would just obey Me then  this would be so much easier for All of us."

"What do You mean obey You? Oh. You mean be emotionally present and realize that where ever I am that's what's happening in my life right now? You mean trust You to do as is good for all You're creation and be present."

When I started practicing being present all these different thoughts came up trying to get me back into daydreaming about Boy and were successful until... I stopped and started thinking about things I know God has called me too. I had this shocking realization slap me in the face.

Even if I found Mr. Future Husband Man today, God has clearing given me some things to do in the next few years that if I don't do them I'm flat out rebelling against God. 

Even if I marry the hottest man of prayer on the earth I am still responsible for keeping up my relationship with Jesus and obeying His callings on my life.

When I refuse to obey I'm trading God's peace for something I think will be better. When I disobey I miss daily blessings and sweet time with my Holy Savior.

 

Beauty is a Steeple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51fQIiHlu8Q

I'm reading a really good book currently entitled When People are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch

the first half of the book was about things we fear and had self examining questions for why we fear those things or people. one awesome thing I read in this book is that when I fear some one say I'm terrified of men because they might abuse me, what I'm believing when I live in that fear is that men are stronger and more powerful then God Himself. I'm worshiping a creature and bowing to man's wants and thoughts of me instead of being sure that God who created man is still stronger and His thoughts and wants for me are loving. 

okay, so the first part was about fears not the part I'm reading currently is about fear of the Lord. See the idea is that when my fear of the Lord is rightly placed my other fears will either disappear or also be place underneath the fear of the Lord. 

Now to talk about my title *hehe i'm so excited!*

"Make sure you keep your eyes sett on the Holy One.Whether the subject is the Grand canyon or the Ten Commandments,these inspire awe because they are an expression of the holy character of God."

E.T. Welch pg111

Okay so the beauty is like a church steeple that makes up look up! Look up to the heavens to remind us to look to God. I was reading Welch's book at a park near my house yesterday and while walking home I was overwhelmed with the beauty all around me. Surely God is great and makes incredibly beautiful landscapes and houses! He made beautiful songs for the birds to sing and fuzzy tails for squirrels and then something else hit me and made me giggle with joy! A handsome young man recently bought the house next door, he is the most handsome of men I've ever encountered... just think! That new neighbor of mine, he's beautiful appearance steeples the holy character of God! (laughter in my soul!) Only a holy, holy, holy God could create such a being. Only a holy, holy, holy God could create such a lovely world! Only a holy, holy, holy God could write such a good set of laws. 

I was having some Jesus time this morning, reading a study on the life of David. I read 1 Chronicles 29:10-20 and then was asked to list what I'd learned about who God is from this reading. Here's the verse that stuck out most to me.

Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. 1 Chronicles 29:12

Our riches and honor come from God. These are beautiful thing, which steeple the holy character of God.

God rules over all. This is a beautiful thing that points to the holy character of God.

In God's hand is power and might! These are great things and i'm sooooooooo grateful for His power and might! They steeply and point me to His holy, holy, holy, character.

It lies in God's hand to make great and to strengthen everyone! Is this not encouragement? is this not something that makes your heart want to dance?

I've been thinking a lot about that handsome boy next door and even my reading this morning brought me back to put he's being back into a God loving perceptive. Boy is handsome and kind but it's God who gives him what I think is great because in God's hand is riches and honor, to make great and to strengthen. So, Self, praise and worship the Creator who has blessed me with countless reminders of His great and holy character. 

 Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. 1 Chronicles 29:12

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51fQIiHlu8Q

What do I do after I freak out?

K, do you guys ever have days where you freak completely out about something that's way off in the future or something that you don't even know will happen? cause I do. That happened to me this weekend. Yeah, so I was stuck at home this weekend with a bad cold which means I was extra sleepy (pron to more worry right? anybody hear me on that?) Okay well, I received a book in the mail that I had order When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey, I started reading it when out of what seemed like no where all these questions and statements started popping up. "Why are you read that? Oh you really think you're going to marry a good man do you? Why do you deserve a good man, look where you've come from! You're parents marriage was a mess! That was your only example, do you really think you can have a good marriage if your example was so bad? Tough luck, you'll never make it! You're screwed, just put the book down."

I did put the book down Friday night and cried and had a fitful sleep.

Saturday I tried again, same thing over again, same questions and accusations only this time they seemed louder and multiplied. I texted a friend and a pastor just a "Hey I have a big heavy question don't know who to talk to" deal. My friend called me and you know what she told me about, what we talked about that calmed me down? The gospel. Jesus. Community. Because of the gospel work that God did on the cross and how He is changing me and growing me through and deeper into the knowledge and love of the gospel and just my relationship with Him I don't have to fear that my marriage will be like my parents. Because of the Holy Spirit work in me, I don't have to make the same mistakes of my parents. I hope and pray that if I do get married it won't grow sour but even if it does the gospel of Jesus Christ is still true, God is still good, and the Holy Spirit is still at work. And if that weren't enough God has given me an extra blessing of a solid group of believers who if I'm dating a slees-bag will tell me quickly to drop him asap! 

So I'm okay. I can read When Sinner Say "I Do" because of the Holy Spirit and gospel change. I can live (and read) in faith that God is good and the gospel is still true for me, and will be in the future.

So I ended up not needing to talk to my pastor, just a friend. But I had told my pastor I was going to email him, so I just shot him a email of "hey this is what happened but I'm fine now because of Jesus" but now it's sunday night, I was sitting here worrying "oh gosh! I shouldn't have sent my pastor that email at all! He doesn't need to know especially since I'm fine now. aaaah, I wish there was a way to delete sent emails so that he doesn't get it cause totally he doesn't need too! I'm gonna die! He's gonna think I'm crazy! I just know he's gonna be reading my email thinking 'gosh, when is Vicki just gonna chill? When is she going to get it? When is she going to stop freaking out all the time?' Aaagh! *feelings of embarrassment* I'm such a crazy lady sometimes. eeewwww!"

    So what's that I do after I freak out? I freak out some more... about something else I can't control. 

Do I have the answer? Mmmm, no. But after church tonight I confessed to God that I was super anxious and right as I was telling God I don't know what to do about this, a thought came to mind: When I'm anxious, when I'm living in worry what does that preach to others that I believe about God in this circumstance? What am I tell others about God? What am I believing?

I'm believing that God's not in control

I'm believing that God's not good

I'm preaching that if there is a God He's not very big or strong 

I'm preaching if there is a God He really doesn't care about the details of my life

Mmmm. So do I really believe that when I stop all and think about it?

I do believe that God is good

that God is big and very strong

I struggle to believe that He cares even about my silly emails

and I do struggle to believe that He is really in control. of everything. all the time.

But here is something I know: I know that He has protected and provided for me in the past, from when I was born, to all the way through making me not coughing a lot in church tonight. I know that He is good and faithful. I know I can trust Him for today, tomorrow I can make plans for but freaking out and worrying about the out come of those plans and the reactions of my friends does me no good today. I can trust God to be loving and good today. I can let tomorrow worry about itself and my future worry about itself. And my future possible marriage to FutureMan? Well... that's many many tomorrow's away, it can worry about itself. I want to be able to trust God to be good and in control for the present day, thanks!

New hands

I have things to say. Things to share. Things I've done but tonight I'm just tired and trying to hide from the One Friend that really cares because He doesn't do for me everything I want... that's just silly I know. But for some reason being in my own little bad mood is my thing tonight. I think my problem is mostly that I don't want to give up and cry about the things that are bothering me and let Jesus handle them or teach me what to do with them. I'm trying to hold on real tight and saying "I can do it myself, thanks. I GOT this! OkAaaaaaaaaaay?!! For real leave me alone!"

But sitting here typing this is reminding me of something else realized a week or so ago...

When I was young I use to go swing in the back yard to get away... I swung so much that my palms were callused hard and rough, as well as discolored by the rusty chains. But now I'm twenty-six and my palms are soft, smooth, and white. Which made me think of how I use to run away from pain and sorrow into my dream world to be filled with happiness and acceptance. But as the years came and went the happy place became a danger to my relationship with my Daddy God. Him and me grew deep as the old habit grew to  hinder more then help; my old stompin grounds of wild imaginings of anywhere but here, where I'm the center of the story and the main character or where the hero always picked me to be by his side was wasting me and pulling me far from Him.

But what? What's that Lord? You are the hero every time? You're the real center of my story and I'm just a breath? What? Naaa-huuu-uh! What? I'm sitting here fighting You, and yet You're asking me, pursuing me, to be by Your side? I'd love to but that means I can't be the center. I'd love to but that means that when I ache I have to come to You and give You my everything. NO! I can't do that! How will I live with nothing to control? Nothing to hang on to? No power. Nothing familiar to hang on too. Is there another way to be free and have a that deep relationship with Jesus? No, no, no, Lord! I will hang tight to these chains! I will continue in my ways and live with rough, discolored callused hands. Not feeling pain or frustration has to be the way, right?...

Beloved. Beloved. Beloved. What are you seeking in that habit you've chased? What do you need most of all things? Is it helping? Are you at peace? Come sit by Me, come rest and drink deeply of My love. Beloved, come home. Daughter, I loved you first, I love you most, I love you best. Beloved daughter come rest by my side. You don't have to be what they demand. I made you the way you are for a purpose, put that down, I love you the way I made you. Beloved come quickly. 

When I sit by Daddy God's side He heals me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. Nothing can ever change that. When I brought my sorrows to Him, He didn't stop the sting of the pain He taught me how to see  Him through it. He opened my eyes to the hope that radiates from His very nature. When I turn and run to that old habit I can feel He's sadness and silences  as He lets me go. I hear Him calling me back to Himself. Asking, was I not good to you beloved? Am I not still good? Look down at your hands dear child and tell me what you see.

Oh Daddy! My hands are soft and white but Yours are now rough and hard...and blood... blood! Why is there blood on Your hands? That should be mine! That's mine! Stop You can't take that from me, I can't repay You! I don't know how to live Your way! You'll have to teach me, is that okay? Is that okay? Tell me why You have my bloodied rough hands.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2043:16%20-%2044:8&version=NIV1984

Jesus died for me. He saw me in my Egypt and brought me out to the desert. He redeemed and restores my soul for His name sake(ps23). He gives oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS Splendor (Isaiah 61:3). For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteous, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. (Isaiah 61:10-11)

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your Name (ps 86:11)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%2017:20-25&version=NIV1984

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -James1:2-6

My life is about His glory. When I lay my control down He makes me beautiful, when I pick my controlling habits back up I make myself rough, hard, and discolored. I love because He first loved me and gave Himself up for me. That's why I can now have soft hands. I am loved and accepted by Daddy God, and like a loving faithful Father, His is teaching me how to live without my every things. I'm being transformed. *happy sigh* Transforming because He frees and redeems.

Hard Day with a Shinning Hope

     Today was a hard day. I've been overly worrisome since Sunday mainly over what does this person think of me or that person? And what kind of impression do i make on people? Is a good? Am I too honest? Do I talk too much? Are all those things people said of me all those years ago true? While all these question rattled around in my brain more appeared. Why are some people mean? Why didn't they have people who loved Jesus around them? Why doesn't God save everybody? If He did wouldn't we all be happier and there wouldn't be so much pain in the world? God? Why not? Are You mean? It's so unfair!

     Vicki, dear. Do you really want God to be fair with you? Do you really want God to be just with you?

     Uh... no, thanks. If I don't sin anymore for the rest of my life starting now, and God was just, I'd still burn in Hell forever. Or if we took my best day for God to be just and forget all the rest... nah, I'd still go to hell. So, God? Why did You save me?  Thank You. Really? Me, God? You sent Jesus to die for me? Don't you know who I am? Thank You. I don't know what to say. I don't have words.

     Anxious thoughts halted for some minutes. I wish I could tell you I stayed still for the rest of the work day, but they didn't. But still when I stop and think of all the people on earth and how few will be in Heaven with Jesus, I wonder why? Why me? Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful but wow! God of the universe picked me. Ridiculously good.

Suffering

    So does God allow suffering so that through the healing process and after we can clearly see His glory and might? 

I was about to text a friend this question and say that I don't know if I'd tell someone suffering that, however in hindsight for me, I can see God as good through and because of my healing.

But before I was able to send that I got prayer request from a good friend saying that her sister's pregnancy isn't going well but to pray that her sister would know through it all that God is good and God's will is good.  It struck me that knowing that we serve a mighty and good God is really comforting in the mist of pain.

     But every suffering? Is every suffering so that we can see the glory and might of God abound? Is there any other way? But Vicki, didn't Jesus ask the same question about the cross? Yet Jesus still had to suffer death. And I guess this would make James 1:2-4 more worth saying. 

Count it all joy my brothers whenever you meet trails of various kinds, 

for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, 

not lacking anything.

But every suffering? Ouch. This is a hard thing to wrestle with... but I am sitting here thinking only of my pain again. Maybe if I step aside and look at this from a God-ward perceptive. 

     I started thinking about all this because I'm reading through Exodus and this book call Redemption by Mike Wilkerson.  In the book it talks about life in Christ and His redemption with Exodus story interlooping through out each chapter. 

 I've honestly been enjoying the book of Exodus better with my journal and jotting down anything that pops out at me or silly comments I have for God's ears only. All my question came out of the ten plagues chapters. In Exodus chapter 10: 2 God tells Aaron and Moses that He has harden Pharaoh's heart so that they may tell their children and grandchildren of the great miracles of the Lord and that they would know that He is the Lord. Which when I read that part it made my heart explode with thankfulness for the ten plagues because while reading about them and Pharaoh I to am assured that God is the one true God. I too am encouraged to follow the God of the Bible. 

     So lets look at the suffering question again. Does God allow suffering to show His power and might through healing? All suffering? Yes, and I think yes.

     I say yes because I know that through the suffering of others and my own I've been lead to believe that God is great, not because the suffering was terrible - no that is cause that I always will struggle and doubt about God's kindness - but the redemption and healing I've seen in others and in my own life yes, God uses suffering and healing to show His might and glory. All suffering? I think so. I could be wrong. But considering Revelation 21: 1-8 that one day Jesus will return and there will be a new heaven and earth and He is making all things new. As well as considering the cross of Christ - the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body -  all that that entails, I think I'm going to conclude that yes all suffering can an ultimately will show off the glory and might of God. 

    And the suffering of unbelievers in Christ what of it? Yes, that too can show us the might and glory of God. Look at the life of Samson or any dictator you want or anyone who has harmed you that hasn't repented. How much greater do they reveal God to be because of the stark differences. Because when I find myself asking how could anyone do such evil, why didn't anyone stop him these questions getting me look for Someone bigger, Someone stronger to right the wrong. Though in this life the wrong may not seem righted it's not mine to revenge. The evil of others whether they turn from their ways or not is for me to give to God. Jesus will deal with them. I need to trust them to Him and walk in His light of forgiveness and healing.

This is a lot I know. and I know that in future far or near I will wrestle with it again. but that's a good thing.

"Never Have I ever..."

     Have you ever played Never Have I Ever with a large group of ppl? I have. my Jesus family (Midtown Fellowship) likes to play that game on family vacations. I was just at a family meeting tonight and lots of things were shared and tons more laughed about, there were some tears too. Afterward driving around I was processing some of it and just wanted to go back to that full building and play Never Have I Ever with that bunch.
     Here's something that, had I said it when I first played with them (at Camp Bob Cooper) wouldn't have been true then, but now (if sitting down) I would have to jump up to find a new chair: Never have I ever known God's sweet love, His current will, and cape of approval on my life. And Never Have I Ever upon hearing about a friend leaving had the reaction of "YEAH! That's so great! Go! oh wait you're leaving, I'm gonna cry now. but yay!"

if you don't know how to play Never Have I Ever 1. you probably don't go to Midtown, 2. you're probably confused right now, and 3. just take the phrase "Never have i ever" off of the my statements and you got where i'm at right now. :) still confused? it's okay... i'm writing late at night.

I'm so excited about how God is leading and loving on my Jesus family right now...this year. I'm so blessed and encouraged by God's clear hand in my life and those around me. I'm so thankful that God has put me here for now. So thankful to find that the God of the Bible times still delights in His people. He delights in us ya'll!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pde89qbpII

Thank You Baba God

Thank You God for the good days, the hard days, the tearful days, the pain from deaths but most of all thank You that through all things You are good. Thank You for the blessings of change, for friends and new kind of family. Thank You for He Holy Spirit and Your kind of comfort. Thank You that 'He's not fair when He fixes what's beyond repair' -(Kendall Payne's song aslan). Thank You for snuggles when i don't deserve it. Thank You for Jesus dying on the cross for my sins the ones pple see but often and most for the ones pple don't see and pass over because "everybody does that" or "you may struggle with that forever, get use to it", Thank You that You don't become okay with my sins and breaking Your heart over and over every day just because I give up on myself. Thank You Baba that Jesus lived a perfect life and live with a crazy family that thought He was ridiculous, thank You sweet Holy Spirit that You get me. You understand. Thank You that You know what's just around the bend in my life and Your ready! Yeah! You got this one covered. I don't need to worry. I need to trust and walk with You through this life. (happy sigh) Thank You Baba for this life. Thank You for the lives of my friends and those that I will meet in the future. I'm quietly excited about this life ahead but so unsure of myself, but sure of You. I'm glad You never leave and You are really good.
Thank You for being good.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a2iVwURb14