Forgiving Simple Things

It's way easier for me to see how I do to Jesus just the same as those who have hurt me deep
But when it comes to these simple things - like poor communications - I'm quick to forget that I'm just like you. I'm quick to forget to give grace like I ask of you!
I holler like no other, and whip out my sword sharp pen
and I draw your blood like your the Enemy

My apologizes are lame and unhelpful like I'm not really sorry.
Maybe I'm not or maybe I don't want to humble myself beneath the dirt to show you I know how wrong I've been. I'm afraid to show you vulnerability.
Maybe if you see me big and tough you'll think highly of me and you'll never laugh at me when I cry.

But I guess this shows that in simple things I'm more concerned about a human's eye
then my Lover's gaze.
Here I stagger to save face before a man, when my Creator is waiting to catch me in His arms.
Lord, is it difficult to wait for me to fall apart in You? Am I getting any faster at turning to You for my identity in this life?
Why do I forget Your love so easily in the little irritance and why do I blow You off like You cannot see my heart? 

As far as it depends on me...

story#1:
     Yesterday a friend pointed out that I carry around a lot of weight. I didn't get it so Larr's explained that sometimes when I'm trying to do stuff with people and it doesn't work out I hold it like its a guilty heavy thing, he said some more stuff that I can't remember now but it finally started to click... friendship only work as a two way street but when I'm trying to make friend moves and the other gal isn't budging I forget that that's on her - that's her decision, instead I say that its my fault that this friendship thing isn't working. I end up condemning myself in the process which adds guilt to my process of trying to build a friendship so the friendship isn't free happy thing anymore.

story#2:
     Driving to lunch today I was imaging getting in trouble with my head boss for working from because I didn't get direct permission from him. I got permission from my sorta boss, Curly-Joe, because the office internet was out. I honestly probably won't get in trouble, but I realized in my imaginings that if my head boss were to ask why I'd worked from home and I said Curly-Joe said I could then if there was trouble Curly would take the blame. But I didn't like that at all and decided that Head Boss and I are adults I should take the blame not Curly-Joe, even if he's decision was the one I'd followed, and he's decision needed questioned.

story#3:
     Today I overheard Curly-Joe say something like "I hate that the internet out. Nobody can work, it's my responsibility and I feel the weight of it".
'But you've done all you can! It's the At&t's fault, it's their weight.' I called out to him.
"Yeah!" busted in Nacho, "if it's their fault not yours. Seriously, don't feel bad!"
"I know, but I still do" sighed Curly-Joe.

Notice any similarities? Three stories, three times just can't let someone else hold the blame, can't let someone else bear the consequences for their own actions. Can't move past the fact that it didn't go as hoped or planned.
But wait self! You know how when you've sinned against someone and the Bible says "as far as it depends on you live at peace with one another"? Like when I'm wrong or have wronged a friend it's up to me to make it right and how they respond is between them and Jesus. I did what Jesus called me to do that's all I can do. In this situation if I asked for forgiveness and they don't forgive it will hurt but that's on them... I've done what I can and am living in obedience to God so in my heart I have peace.
I get to take responsibility for my actions, but also allow others to own their responsibilities. Curly and I get to live in peace when we've done our part.

There's this thing that I keep thinking. When I carry the weight that is someone else I'm sort of saying I have to be the hero. So what does that look like when it comes to my sin? Who bears the weight of my sin? Who washes me clean?
If it's Jesus then I have to allow Him to take the full weight of my sin. I will never be able to save myself. It's too much, too heavy.
When Curly and I carry the weight of others failings we're basically telling God "hey, I don't need Jesus to die for me or others. I got this. See I'm putting myself up on the cross." But in the mean time we crush ourselves, thinking too highly of ourselves.
We get to repent of trying to save others. We get to run back to Jesus and praise Him that He is strong enough to take our weights, take the weights of our friends and redeem our hearts for His glory and our joy. Jesus has made a way for me to live at peace with Him through His blood. Jesus is the only One that paid a suitable price.

Anytime I try to bear someone else's failings, I make myself god and worship me. I'm broken and fail my high expectations everyday. I make a terrible god.

Single

Hello,
I'm feeling the twinges of being single this week. It doesn't really help that every night I keep dreaming that I get married. Where do those dreams come from anyhow?
I went to a 4th of July party with my Mom tonight and was enjoying sitting with silver haired folk, some of whom watched me grow up from 2end grade. Everybody asked me what I do with my time and I was telling them about Midtown Residency...
Friend, I kept finding myself discouraged because here I am at 28 doing an internship with a question mark at the end of the year. I don't know what I'm going to do next year, I just know that God called me to it. Which made me start thinking "now if I were almost engaged then this decision would be easier at the end of the year. I'd have someone to walk through this story with." But that not really true, I guess. Yes, I'd have someone to talk things out with and live life with but a husband won't be able to make decisions for me, just help with some direction.

So here I am back again to looking up at the sky asking Baba God to plan my future for me and lead each foot step without a fall. 

Pride

I wish i could write a book
write a story
I wish i could write a poem
but i'm just not that clever.
so i'll write lots of thoughts
hit the 'enter' make it look
like a long column here
just so i can pretend i can
write a poem. lol!

has anyone ever told you something that made you mad
and then God took the time to unwind your head
And when you think that you've learned everything
from that painful word, Baba God shakes His head
"Now your idolizing the tool instead of your Creator"
So i'm down once again with a drobble on my head
Oh no i've done it agaaaaaaaaaaain!

What do I doooooooooooo?
Am I an outcast again?
Will I walk with a frown hanging
DOWN on my heeeeeeeeeeeead?
and the guilt condemnation's blanket friend
come to crush my heart again. (boy, do i like the word 'again' a lot tonight or what?)
(come to crush my heart to the ground)
with no hope to be found!
(yes, Shawnie. i do have a dramatic flare.)

But WAIT! Why was I getting shown the error of my ways again?
What was the resolve?
Surely there's Hope!
God makes good things!
Oh!
God is the creator.
Need Jesus most, best, and always.
Why?
Because nobody can be for me (us) what Jesus is.
Savior. Grace giver. Life. Comfort And SO MUCH MORE!
(I mean, you've. never met another human who can do that much less, raise a dead person, right?)

uh, but'cha know - the Holy Spirit can
convict and unravel
and I can be in awe
but if i'm still unwilling to come to my
Father,
humble and ready
trusting that He is right
and get real honest
say 'I'm sorry, Baba
I've been wrong, You're right'
the joy in repentance won't be found
and my analyzing will just turn
to self righteous airs
thrown in front of my audience
puffing up my pride
making me the hero once again
 of a story I cannot write
without this life that i couldn't give.

thank You Baba for this life.
For the truth I'm more wrong
when it comes to us disagreeing
You're the True King
i am not.
Thanks.

ramblings

lying on my couch crying
wishing the stories were different
different for a 3yr old with cancer and her family
different for a couple who lost their baby
different for a girl who lost her mom
questioning is God real
different for a pessimistic family
I can't make things better for us
and when i pray i'm distracted by so many things
There's so much to talk about with my Savior. but it seems like there is so little time and so much more that needs to be done.
So
where do we find the time to preach the gospel over our lives.
when do we study the only truth that will give us the streghth to fight
strength to live
refreshment to laugh and enjoy the glory of the Lord?
where do we take our tire
broken
busy
hearts?

Jesus. We take our hearts for comfort, direction, healing, freedom, for a friendship with our Creator Who truly sticks closer then a brother. Who pulls us out of a slimy pit and sets our feet on a solid rock. 

How Do I Need the Gospel Today

At my church community group this past week our group leader asked if there was anything that we were specifically struggling with that needed to be "gospeled".

I keep thinking about that this Easter weekend. My car is covered in rain and Dogwood petals and I realized while leaving my Mom a voice mail yesterday that I'd completely forgotten to make Easter plans. 

Growing up and even in the last few years Easter has been one of my favorite holiday's because of spring! The Dogwood tree blooms are my favorite. The fresh green leaves against a rainy grey sky - ooooooooh! makes me want to raise my arms, close my eyes and twirl like a little girl in a "twirly dress". 

But this year when the dogwoods bloomed I hardly noticed, I've had to force myself to slow down enough to look at the green trees against the grey sky. I've been so caught up in fundraising for Midtown Residency that I've miss the beauty of this season. I've confessed several times in community group that I'm struggling with the idol of Residency is going to be the greatest. But it won't be. I'm nervous about it, it's gonna be different and I don't like change. 

Today driving to a friends house I found myself annoyed by a Dogwood flower petal plastered by rain water to my windshield. I'd wipe one off with the wipers just for another one to fly up right in front of me again. 

"Grrr! Lord! Just move it! Can't You see I'm driving!"

I love you. Slow down. Remember My crown of thorns for you.

"I've got things to do today Lord! Can't You wait at least until May 13th when what's uncertain now will be more certain?"

I love you. Aren't all of these things you're doing suppose to be about Me?

"Yeah! It is. Duuuh. But I just have a lot to do, I can't slow down right now."

... So it's not about Me, its about all Vicki Hansen and her life.

"Oh. Shoot."

 I've gone from there's this thing I want to do so that I can grow in Jesus and be helpful to His family to How do I keep everything in order, look like I've got it all together, and not go insane? The scripture that keeps coming back to me recently is

John 8:31-32 

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

     I don't really hold to Christ teachings when I'm running around forgetting Him and not keeping Him first in my life and thoughts. Forgetting Him helps a lot with forgetting Easter and the joy of the cross too. I wouldn't be alive physically or spiritually if Jesus hadn't died and three days later risen. So in forgetting Him what lies am I believing instead?

Food for thought over the next few days. Maybe you needed the reminder too. His Truth, Christ is the Truth, has the power to sett us from from the law of sin and death (Romans 8). But so often I find myself not trusting Him because the lie is more comfortable, but friends, lies are prison. Jesus rose from the dead, I now have life because of Him.

The End of My Rope

Do you ever feel like you've come to the end of your rope?
I feel like I've reached mine. There's two things fighting in me.

 The romantic side screaming for a dream to cling to... you know like those hopes and dreams for the future - that job I'm fundraising for is going to be it! That man who I'm slowly becoming friends with and failing to keep a secret I wish we were better friends already. (i guess if i don't post this one on fb that last line will be okay right?) The romantic in me is optimistic, she's a go getter, she's bright and happy and when she's made up her mind there ain't no one not even cracking family can changer her mind... though she's sad they don't agree and being a romantic she's good at crying. But'cha can't keep her down for long because she has dreams! She knows how escape the pain and dream big, plan big and numb away her impatience until that moment arrives when that dream comes true.

The spiritual side is silent. But only for a little while silent. Weeping. "Oh Lord we cast down our idol's! Give us clean hands and give us pure hearts! Let us not lift our souls to another!" Here I am again realizing and being convicted once again of an idol. But this time it's success... but who's defining it this time? Not the God of the world but family, comfort, and my world around me.
Why am I sitting here feeling like I'm sitting yards and yards under the end of my rope with nothing left to give. I have pride that is struggling to hold me up but it stifling. I can't be my own hero.That's Jesus, Jesus is the best hero. He has real power.
 I can't hold it in and keep a straight face or appearance.  
Fundraising for a church plant admin job is what God is currently using to kick me in the butt.
But it's kinda a good thing, God has gotten me to this point again where I don't have anything to fix my situation. I don't have the power or the good self imposed reason to move things forward.

Where are my dreams? What am I doing with my life? Why should I keep going... doing fundraising? Why not stop now?
Why not? Because He (Jesus/Holy Spirit) has brought me thus far and He has plans for my future. Why not? Because of love for people, I don't want to let down. But this answer honestly is like a knife in my heart.
Why not stop now? Maybe I ought to be asking instead Holy Spirit, You got any pointers? Why should I keep going? Got in better motives then selfish gain? Why? Fro His glory, for His church. Run hard in the service of His body, the bridge, the church. This part of the process doesn't feel good. I don't want to fundraise for life. But if I can serve my family of believers, bring Go glory, and grow closer to and deeper in the Holy Spirit, okay. Okay Jesus is worth it. His glory and a deep relationship with Him are worth it.

I'm unsure about my future, but God is good. He know the plans He has for me.
Holy Spirit keeping setting my heart on things above.

Demanding Love

Is there a person or group of people that you just have a really hard time being around?
I do. I won't tell you who but it seems to always come down to the idea that when I'm with them they demand to be loved, demand to be respected. And I just don't like that! I want to give love and respect to those I pick. One of my biggest pet peeves is when men demand respect but are not respectable or treat others with respect of any kind.
But I was sitting being upset about when a dialogue started to form. (I didn't really hear voices. This is just me talking out the conviction).

GIRL: I don't want to love X or Z! I don't want to respect them, they aren't being loving! They aren't respecting! They don't deserve it!

DADDY: Do you, Vicki? Do you, yourself deserve love and respect?

GIRL: YES! I DO! I'm kind most of the time! I serve others, I work hard, I'm part of a church....

DADDY: Why do you... do church?

GIRL: um... because of. ... Jesus?

DADDY: What about Jesus.

GIRL: Well. Um, uh... He saved me. Gave me grace a free gift I don't - BUT DADDY IT'S NOT THE SAME!

DADDY: Are you sure about dat?

GIRL: I don't want to talk about it!

But God shows His love for us that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. 

Romans 5:8

DADDY: Who doesn't deserve what? Sounds to me like you are in the same boat as they. Now look-a-here young lady! You can sit there in that crowded boat grumbling and demanding to be treated right like the rest or you can praise the One Who has saved you. 

I'm not going to say it's easy. Because it ain't.

But do you understand me? Don't you see? You have been loved with an everlasting love that loved you when you were DEAD and rotting! But this love of Jesus has not only made you alive but has set you free from the law of sin and death. Jesus has redeemed you. Forgiven you. And adopted you as His own. This is grace hon.

GIRL: Daddy? I hurt. I'm sad. It is hard for me to love them but I understand too that I am just as spiteful to You. I hurt You lots don't I? I'm sorry, Da. Da? Um. They still aren't my favorite. 

DADDY: I'm not asking you to pick favorites. I'm asking you to love as I have loved you. I'm here to help, and have placed you in a new family to help as well. 

GIRL: Thank you!!! Bunches thank you!

So how does this look? I guess when they demand love, I can laugh because they already have it! Because of Jesus, I can love each person I meet already. When they demand respect while being unrespecting I can show grace because I have been graced, AND stand firm in my convictions. Loving others the way Jesus does me doesn't make me a push over with people. It means I'm a push over to God's way, and hidden in the Rock of Christ while dealing and loving people well. 

Lord, mold me a new. I need the grace to give. I need the reminder that I am too a sinner and don't deserve grace.

The only One who should really demand grace here is God. But He doesn't.. He woo's. 

Idol's and Luke 15

I was thinking back over the sermon I heard on Sunday night today an was complaining in my brain because I thought the series we're starting was Idols! What in the world does Luke 15 have to do with idols? Then my "be nice" self cut in - Were you listening to the sermon at all? Matt did talk about Idols!
Naaa-aaaah!
Yeaaaa-aaaah! It had to do with the brothers heart motive!
Huh? How's that work?
Think about it.... maybe pray about it?

So I did.
Mmmm so the prodigal son is about two son's that want their father's riches but don't really care about Dad. But Dad love his boys! He wants the best for them. He is a loving father.
(reader i'm sorry i'm to tired to write more... maybe later.)


By the end of the day I came away with the questions... What was the two brothers idols? What was pride saying in their hearts? What are my idol's that make me hate God but love His riches. What is my pride? And who does that make God if I'm right?

Randomness

I want to be beautiful
I want to be wanted.

Just listened to my roomie melt down about her job and personal life. Previously we'd watched four episodes of TLC's What Not to Wear, we both love the show. But somehow after watching it I just feel empty and not up to par. In one hour it will be Valentines Day 2014 and I'm just feeling the blues. The last two days have been not normal due to snow and ice covering the south which means shutting down cities and towns. My work has not be open for business and neither has a lot of places. It's been nice, but I miss my schedules.
But today I went an hung out with neighbors who invited other neighbors within walking distance. It was a great time, but I slowly have become aware that  I hang out with a lot of couples. I'm 28 and single and today I was just really feeling it. It seems like the  groups and people I gravitate toward are married folk. An I just miss being around singles... but when I'm with all singles I hate it and want there to be married folks there too. Why don't I have an even mix? Why don't these groups mix more? I enjoy singlihood but I also hate it. Its a joy and a struggle.
I was recently talking with a married friend (she's been married about 2years) and asked her how it was going. She said she loves but she hates it, just like in singliness there were days she loved but it was a struggle. Marriage is the same she loves it but its a struggle too. She was reminding me that both are a blessings and one is not better then the other, it's where God has you. Reminds me of what another friend said, "X amount of years ago I traded my single man struggles in for a married man struggles".

Lord God,
I don't know what You have for my future but I know You are good. Jesus I ache right now, please hold me! Please keep Your promise that You put the lonely in families (ps68:6), that You will never leave or forsake me (Deut 31:6). Teach me to love You most best and always, walk in obedience to You, keep Your commandments, hold fast to and cherish You Jesus, and to serve You with all my heart, soul, and mind (Josh 22:5). Daddy God if there is husband in my future prepare us both for that life and grow us strong and in love with You Jesus, make us fishers of men, makes us look like you. And Daddy if there is no husband in my future then just grow me in those things anyway! Make me about You. At the end of my life bring You glory and bring me joy! Love You! Night night.

Song from Frozen

So I've been listening to this song from Disney's movie Frozen "For the First Time in Forever"... I know somebody out there probably has already said this... But I just can't help think about Jesus and living life with Him and without Him when I hear this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-eUjFm8qXI

Anna's ready to work through the freezing together in a loving relationship ...like Jesus family works through life together. No matter how hard, broken, and gross it can be. Because of Jesus' death on the cross He reconciles us to Himself and then to each other. In Christ there is family and a way to move forward when the chips are down.

Elisa believes she can happily make it on her own, that living this way won't hurt anybody... but isn't it true that when we live in our own little bubble we don't see how our selfishness is hurting others? Isn't it true that when you have a gift and you hide it you are hindering helpfulness to others? Others will miss out on the great gift you have.
Also she's living in fear, which isolates, but that's the only way she can see to live.
dun-da-daaaaaaaaaa! Jesus needed! Family needed to share Jesus... "how will they hear unless someone preaches to them?" Romans something.

just some thoughts.