The End of My Rope

Do you ever feel like you've come to the end of your rope?
I feel like I've reached mine. There's two things fighting in me.

 The romantic side screaming for a dream to cling to... you know like those hopes and dreams for the future - that job I'm fundraising for is going to be it! That man who I'm slowly becoming friends with and failing to keep a secret I wish we were better friends already. (i guess if i don't post this one on fb that last line will be okay right?) The romantic in me is optimistic, she's a go getter, she's bright and happy and when she's made up her mind there ain't no one not even cracking family can changer her mind... though she's sad they don't agree and being a romantic she's good at crying. But'cha can't keep her down for long because she has dreams! She knows how escape the pain and dream big, plan big and numb away her impatience until that moment arrives when that dream comes true.

The spiritual side is silent. But only for a little while silent. Weeping. "Oh Lord we cast down our idol's! Give us clean hands and give us pure hearts! Let us not lift our souls to another!" Here I am again realizing and being convicted once again of an idol. But this time it's success... but who's defining it this time? Not the God of the world but family, comfort, and my world around me.
Why am I sitting here feeling like I'm sitting yards and yards under the end of my rope with nothing left to give. I have pride that is struggling to hold me up but it stifling. I can't be my own hero.That's Jesus, Jesus is the best hero. He has real power.
 I can't hold it in and keep a straight face or appearance.  
Fundraising for a church plant admin job is what God is currently using to kick me in the butt.
But it's kinda a good thing, God has gotten me to this point again where I don't have anything to fix my situation. I don't have the power or the good self imposed reason to move things forward.

Where are my dreams? What am I doing with my life? Why should I keep going... doing fundraising? Why not stop now?
Why not? Because He (Jesus/Holy Spirit) has brought me thus far and He has plans for my future. Why not? Because of love for people, I don't want to let down. But this answer honestly is like a knife in my heart.
Why not stop now? Maybe I ought to be asking instead Holy Spirit, You got any pointers? Why should I keep going? Got in better motives then selfish gain? Why? Fro His glory, for His church. Run hard in the service of His body, the bridge, the church. This part of the process doesn't feel good. I don't want to fundraise for life. But if I can serve my family of believers, bring Go glory, and grow closer to and deeper in the Holy Spirit, okay. Okay Jesus is worth it. His glory and a deep relationship with Him are worth it.

I'm unsure about my future, but God is good. He know the plans He has for me.
Holy Spirit keeping setting my heart on things above.

Demanding Love

Is there a person or group of people that you just have a really hard time being around?
I do. I won't tell you who but it seems to always come down to the idea that when I'm with them they demand to be loved, demand to be respected. And I just don't like that! I want to give love and respect to those I pick. One of my biggest pet peeves is when men demand respect but are not respectable or treat others with respect of any kind.
But I was sitting being upset about when a dialogue started to form. (I didn't really hear voices. This is just me talking out the conviction).

GIRL: I don't want to love X or Z! I don't want to respect them, they aren't being loving! They aren't respecting! They don't deserve it!

DADDY: Do you, Vicki? Do you, yourself deserve love and respect?

GIRL: YES! I DO! I'm kind most of the time! I serve others, I work hard, I'm part of a church....

DADDY: Why do you... do church?

GIRL: um... because of. ... Jesus?

DADDY: What about Jesus.

GIRL: Well. Um, uh... He saved me. Gave me grace a free gift I don't - BUT DADDY IT'S NOT THE SAME!

DADDY: Are you sure about dat?

GIRL: I don't want to talk about it!

But God shows His love for us that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. 

Romans 5:8

DADDY: Who doesn't deserve what? Sounds to me like you are in the same boat as they. Now look-a-here young lady! You can sit there in that crowded boat grumbling and demanding to be treated right like the rest or you can praise the One Who has saved you. 

I'm not going to say it's easy. Because it ain't.

But do you understand me? Don't you see? You have been loved with an everlasting love that loved you when you were DEAD and rotting! But this love of Jesus has not only made you alive but has set you free from the law of sin and death. Jesus has redeemed you. Forgiven you. And adopted you as His own. This is grace hon.

GIRL: Daddy? I hurt. I'm sad. It is hard for me to love them but I understand too that I am just as spiteful to You. I hurt You lots don't I? I'm sorry, Da. Da? Um. They still aren't my favorite. 

DADDY: I'm not asking you to pick favorites. I'm asking you to love as I have loved you. I'm here to help, and have placed you in a new family to help as well. 

GIRL: Thank you!!! Bunches thank you!

So how does this look? I guess when they demand love, I can laugh because they already have it! Because of Jesus, I can love each person I meet already. When they demand respect while being unrespecting I can show grace because I have been graced, AND stand firm in my convictions. Loving others the way Jesus does me doesn't make me a push over with people. It means I'm a push over to God's way, and hidden in the Rock of Christ while dealing and loving people well. 

Lord, mold me a new. I need the grace to give. I need the reminder that I am too a sinner and don't deserve grace.

The only One who should really demand grace here is God. But He doesn't.. He woo's.